I Need Help!!!!!

I want to die. All I can think about is that, and how I have no friends (save for a few I have online), how I have never had a boyfriend (except for an online one), how I won’t ever be able to make friends or get a boyfriend in real life, how I’ve been sitting around the house doing basically nothing ever since I dropped out of school in March, how I won’t be able to start some (online) college classes this semester, how my parents have forever been disappointed in me, how I can’t get a job because I can’t drive yet, how I feel completely unmotivated to pretty much anything including eating, drinking, and getting up out of bed, how I wish I had something real, how I wish I was happy, how I wish I had someone to physically tell these things to, and how I want to die.

I have Social Anxiety Disorder, which has something to do with some of these feelings. On top of that, I have low self-esteem. I hate how weird and awkward my anxiety makes me, and I’m scared of how weird and awkward I might already be without it. I hate my small chest, my short height, my jawbones, my not-so-perfect teeth, my small eyes, and my severe acne (though I am on treatment for it).

I want to be happy, I really do!!!! But it’s so hard when I feel so sad. Even when something does make me smile or laugh, it is only temporary. Plus I find that I hold back these actions, because I remember how awful I really feel. I think what would make me long-term happy is having something real. I don’t want to always be stuck watching TV, playing video games, cleaning the house, and talking to people I only know online. I want to be normal, not scared to leave the house in fear of other peoples judgment of me. I want real friends that I can talk to and hang out with in real life.

Most of all, I want to find and share love with a boyfriend who I can talk to and have physical contact with. And I almost had it.

I told myself I would never online date. I had met the few friends I have over Xbox Live. That being said, they were all guys. I never had feelings for any of them. Not until this one guy came along… lets just say that I always felt something for him, even when I barely knew him. I never knew what it was that I felt for him until he told me he was quitting Xbox one day. I convinced him to stay, and I realized that I loved him. It is probably hard for you to believe. It would have been hard for me to believe, too, had it been a few months before. Anyway, so we got together. We both created a Facebook account just for people we knew on Xbox. We almost always talked to each other. He lost sleep, I lost sleep. We exchanged  a lot of pictures and voice messages. Though he lived in Russia and I lived in America, we promised we would meet in real life on my next birthday. Throughout the next five months….. I won’t go into detail, but he said and did things that made me sad. But he did say and do some things that made me happy. The bad things were just emotional scars. Sometimes he unintentionally convinced me that, despite what he always said, he didn’t really love me. He might just be a complicated person. Hehe….. anyway, so one of those things he said that made me sad happened over a week ago. It made me believe that I should break up with him for the time being because it would be better for him. He changed his mind about what he had said, but by then he already had a new girlfriend – in real life. And like all of the other times, it made me sad. I tried getting him back, and I still do, but he gets mad at me for breaking up with him. He says that even though he still loves me, it’s too late; he can’t leave his girlfriend because she “loves” him (I’m pretty sure that is bullshit based off of what he told me about her).

That has added on to my feelings of despair. He was my reason to live. He is what made me continue on my struggle of life. He is what gave me the strength to carry on. Even though love wasn’t enough to keep my dark thoughts away, it was enough to give me hope and comfort. Meeting him in real life was what I looked forward to. Now I feel as empty as ever, and I have lost almost all hope. Almost the full extent of my depression is back. This past week I’ve been researching different methods to commit suicide, things that could go wrong, chances of survival, etc. I’ve finally picked my poison – a lethal gas that can be made by mixing bleach with vinegar. I tested water intoxication to a minor extent a few days ago. My head still hurts like a mother f, and my urine is still clear. Plus, I don’t think I want to suffer permanent brain damage from acute water intoxication. I didn’t even get to write my suicide note.

As much as I am thinking about actually trying to die from chlorine gas, I want someone to try to stop me. My online friends, my ex boyfriend. Anyone. I want someone to make me feel better, someone to convince me to live. Or at least someone to try…. I think the person I need to hear it from the most is my ex boyfriend, because he means a lot to me. I still love him. He might be the only person who can convince me. But that’s ‘might’. If he can’t, no one can….. I need help. I want help. I can’t ever feel happiness. The only thing I can ever feel is this deep pit inside of me. Even when I was with my ex boyfriend, it was constantly lurking in the background. If anyone’s there, I need someone to talk to. I need something. Anything!!!!!