gotta wait for my package then after Saturday four days off so shouldn’t have interruptions unless my stupid parents decide to send me to the stupid hospital. then i have to wait a few weeks till my dad goes in vacation I’ll use his garage. I hate ryans stupid dad he took away the one thing I had that ever made me happy and brain washed him and made him crazy. the only thing I have are my cats and I can’t even take care of them because I’m crazy. I’m stuck here all alone because his stupid dad took him from me I have never hated someone so much in my life. people need to have the right to die. suicide isn’t selfish what’s selfish is people trying to force people to live in a life of misery which is all my life has been for almost twenty five years except when Ryan was here before his stupid dad stole him from me.FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK HIM. I have no friends, my family just thinks I’m crazy, Ryan can’t talk to me, I didn’t ask to be born on this stupid world fuck everything.
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I’m sorry that life hasn’t seem to have worked out for you Lovemyshihtzu, it seems you are intent on taking the overdose and that worries me because it’s such a risky thing with an unpredictable outcome and is generally painful, although it’s the pain that usually makes the person seek medical assistance, I just hope you don’t take it. I agree that none of us asked to be born and I often wish I hadn’t and suicide itself isn’t selfish as it’s yours and my life to take but it’s understandable that others would want us to stay regardless. I’ll always want you to stay so I’m I selfish, I hope you can find a way forward and you know from our e-mails that I believe you have a future but you want peace of mind and I also have to respect that. Keep posting here, we’ll always listen here on SP and try to help.
Ryan was all that gave me hope if I would’ve just gone with him that night he’d still be here and not brain washed by his stupid dad it’s all my fault I ruin everything I ever have going for me. I’m a failure. my cats are all I have and I can’t even take care of them. everyone ignores me even my family and my only ‘friend’ hasn’t talked to me in over three weeks. I hate Ryan’s dad so fucking much I wish he’d shoot himself in the fucking head. each day my life gets worse I hate this stupid apartment reminds me of the happiness I once had now I’m all alone here to rot
The one thing I didn’t understand before talking to you is just how great your love for Ryan is, I’ve never felt anything like this myself, such utter love and need for him, in knowing this I can see why you want it to end. It’s just that I’ve always hated overdoses, my mum tried when she had cancer and I saw the results. Now that I realise the love you have for Ryan and the pain you’re going through I can only hope that time will help but your feelings are so strong.
I have loved before but never like this I’ve never been so sure about anyone in my life and I fucked it all up. then his dad did. fuck his dad I hope he shoots himself in the head. I have never felt this awful in my life . I’ve never hated myself this much. I have so much guilt. so much regret. I miss the happy energetic loving guy that was here and his dad turned him into an alcoholic bipolar with multiple personalities and he won’t listen to me how much I care, how much I love him. maybe when I’m gone he will see it
I loved my girlfriend, we got on so well together and I suppose, like you, someone got in the way, her husband, they we’re seperated and had been for some years but he still controlled her. The thing is, I adored her so much but your love seems different, you need him much more and that’s what I didn’t realise; for me time did heal and I did move on but whether you can I just don’t know, I can’t see it but I do hope so.
I’ve already messed up my kidneys, heart, and brain from over doses where I was found. everyone says he’ll come back to me but it took me eight and a half years to get over my first love, and four years for him to admit he still loved me. and what I felt for him was nothing compared to what I feel for Ryan. I can’t go through that again especially when I feel worse than i did with Greg and i felt pretty damn shitty with him. my package did come today. I have a feeling I may have to wait until my dad goes on vacation but we’ll see. I went to grandma’s grave today, she’s been gone almost eleven years but I told her I either want be with Ryan or be up there with her. I guess we’ll see if she can help
I can’t… I’ve failed everyone. I’ve even let down my babies. my two beautiful cats. I can’t give them what they need. I’ve had them for years but now I’m all alone. I can’t get them to the vet until Friday I’m so worried about them I’m such a failure. I used to make Ryan so happy but now I fail to the point we can’t even communicate
For the next couple of days you need to focus on the cats, they need you, cats are such beautiful animals, they can sense your pain, try to get them to the vet, other decisions can wait until afterwards. My friend’s cat would jump up on my lap when I was down, it did help.
they go to vet Friday. they miss Ryan they are stressed out he always said he’d never leave I made him leave I am the worst person ever my Elmo doesn’t even want to be around me anymore
Do you have plans for you cats when you go?
my mom is threatening to take them to a shelter(she doesn’t know about my plan of course) but I’m going to write in my note if I can ever find my damn notebook that I want her or someone in the family to keep them. they can’t be separated. they’re best friends
Cats are survivors but you’re right, best to keep them together. Please don’t blame your parents in the note, it’s not their fault that they can’t see the deep pain you’re in, it’s his father that’s the problem. I hope you can hang on for your cats, at least until you can make solid arrangements for them. Post again to tell us how things are going, I know you’re struggling more than ever but I’m listening and I’m here for you.
he called me two weeks ago saying he misses me and loves me. I screwed up by taking too much benadryl and texting his dad’s phone and having the sheriff check on him. of course he’s gonna tell them he’s fine. that’s what he always says. he wasn’t fine two weeks ago though
If he says he loves you 2 weeks ago then I can’t imagine him changing his mind in that shorter time, who knows, pressure might be being put on him as you say, the problem is, how do you find out without going there and asking him face to face but I know that’s hard for you to do. Are you still planning the overdose, have you researched that particular method as I’m not sure how common or fatal it is, as I mentioned above I don’t like overdoses and the risks involved and it worries me you’re trying it.
I’ve researched a lot of them that’s all I do
At least you know the difficulties of each method and possible outcomes with regards to failure. It’s hard for me as I’ve been looking myself but have come to realise that all methods will consist of pain and possible failure with health implications so I gave up. I have to say the next part even though I doubt you’ll agree because of your love for Ryan but think about it anyway:-
The thing I’m scared of most is that you’ll take the overdose and fail but have messed up your body and have to spend the rest of your life in pain and on dialysis or something. Imagine in 5, 6 or 7 years time you’ll be saying “why did I do it, why did I fuck up the rest of my life over him, what was I thinking of”, this is a possible outcome but at present you can’t see this and that’s the real shame.
I’m sorry to say that but you have to be sure of this decision, please keep going for now.
I have already messed my kidneys, heart and liver up from over doses. it took me eight and a half years to get over first love and four years for him to admit he still loved me. and feelings for Ryan are way deeper than for that douche
oh and I’ve messed up my brain as well. my mind and memory are shot
Someone posted on facebook about a guy who took his dead cat and taxidermied it into a helicopter…
wtf?!