Sometimes is so difficult

Hello everyone, I’m 35, and I had deal with my fair share of depression since my teen years, but the crises didn’t last for long, but two years ago my mother passed away from cancer, my brother and I took care of her trough the whole disease it lasted for two years being the last 3 months of her life the most miserable ones, I tried to prepare myself to deal with her dying and the mourning phases but it has been already two years and the sadness keeps creeping up, it has been almost a month in which I have seriously contemplated the idea of suicide, her absence is just unbearable, I loved her so much, it just doesn’t seem that I have that much to live for anymore, I don’t have children or family besides my brothers but they are too busy with their lives, and also I don’t have close friends, I just don’t know how to end the pain, I have thought of pills but I’m afraid of the pain, or worse not being succesful at it, I’m catholic but for some reason my faith is so weak right know, is not that I blame God or anything like that, is just her absence that makes things so difficult because I devoted my life to her, she was truly an angel for me and I just don’t know how to live without her anymore…