I thought I’d put my suicide note here. I don’t really wanna leave a note for anyone I know but I know I wanna leave some sort of note. Being a completely new member here allows me the chance to say anything without prejudice.
Ive suffered with mental illness all my life. One of my 1st ever memories is of a childish and feeble suicide attempt. I can’t have been more than 5. I’m the youngest of 6 brothers and I have the greatest mum in the world. Although my childhood was outwardly great I always knew something was wrong. I was a gifted child both mentally and physically. At 10 I had an IQ of 147 and I’d been talent scouted as a gymnast but I was unstable and always in trouble. On my 11th birthday my mum took me shopping to buy me a birthday gift. When we returned my dad was stood on the doorstep with his bags packed. He never gave a reason for leaving and he’s never contacted me since. As a child I blamed myself.
Within months I was taking drugs and by 12 I was making lots of money selling them. I put my family through hell.
At 21 I met trish and it truly was love at 1st sight. It was nearly 2yrs before we spent a night apart. She was intelligent, beautiful and driven.
One day we watched a documentary about bipolar disorder. It was like watching a programme describing my life. Then I turned to say that to Trish, she was in tears. She always knew but dare not tell me. How do you tell somebody that u think they’re mentally ill? She’d seen me go from full blown mania to attempting to kill myself and others. I got diagnosed, I’ve got schizoaffective disorder. Over the past 8 years I’ve been on over 20 different meds in varying combinations and dosages. Nothing has helped and I’ve gotten worse every year. I’ve made trish’s life hell. She’s had to abort a pregnancy because of how unstable I’ve become and now she’s had to turn to drink to cope. We’ve lived apart now for over 3 years but she still tries to visit daily to make sure I’m ok.
There’s no hope for me and things continue to get worse. I now hear voices telling me to do things. I’ve attempted suicide a few times but usually without any planning and all I’ve managed to do is cause myself some more medical problems. I’ve spent the last few weeks studying how to end it. I’ll make sure she doesn’t have to discover me. I’m ending it for 2 reasons. 1, my situation continues to deteriorate rapidly and 2, it’s the only way she’ll have a future.
Thank u for reading even though the writing of this is mainly for my own selfish benefit.
Goodbye kind world.
17 comments
She can have a future if you stay, too. Trish obviously cares about you greatly… She’s visiting you almost daily to check on you. Working through mental illness can be difficult. Really difficult. As you’ve discovered, it can take a lot of different medications, medication adjustments, and time. That doesn’t mean you should give up. If things are getting worse, let your doctors know… If you feel suicidal, let somebody know right away. The sooner you ask for help, the sooner people can continue to help you. The number of medications isn’t as important as your efforts to work through. If you’re determined to give your best effort, then you will.
There is always hope as long as you keep trying.
I can relate to many aspects of your story. I could spend hours on hours trying to convince you not to kill yourself, but in the end the words would only be from a stranger, and would probably mean little to nothing to you. Whatever you choose, I hope that it brings you peace, and if you ever need anyone to listen I will be here.
Have you tried this newer medication called Latuda – I have friends who it worked wonders for when no other medication touched them.
Thank you all for your kind words. There are many other factors I haven’t mentioned in my original post that have forced me into my decision. I’ve desperately tried and I’ve begged for any kind of help for the last year or so. Seeing the damage I’ve done to the person I truly love has made me realise what I need to do. Anything less than the actual act would make me feel impotent and like I was just crying for help. I’m not! I’ve not rushed into this decision. It’s the least I can do for the one I love. I feel strangely proud that I can finally do something that benefits my loved ones and the rest of the world. Thank you all for your understanding.
Sadly, I don’t think ending your life will benefit your loved ones. Rather, I think it will devastate them. I’m just asking you to think about what you’ve decided… and to think about what other options might be out there. The members on SP have a wide variety of backgrounds and many of your struggles probably aren’t unique. There may be community resources to consult with as well. In time, I’m certain that someone could offer you advice as to what worked for them. I want you to find the peace you’re seeking… while beginning to breathe, move forward, and be happy.
Sorry to hear it came to this i am very sad
As long as my illness causes problems for my loved ones I believe I’m doing the right thing. I understand that in the short term my death will hurt but in the long term trish can have a future. I’ve seen the damage I’ve done to her. That damage is devastating for me to see. I’ve really tried every type of therapy available to no avail and my condition is deteriorating at an accelerating rate. If I don’t do this I’ll end up killing somebody, possibly her. I can’t take that chance. I was a professional Thai boxer for a number of years. Killing people wudnt be difficult for me. I really am a danger to people at times.
If you realize you’re a possible danger, then perhaps you need to make some decisions about the type of treatment you receive. Treatment can be more intense when situations warrant it. But just because the treatment is more intense doesn’t mean you have to give up. In the right environment, with the right team or providers, and the right treatment practices… it could benefit you.
I respect the decision you make. All I ask is that you contemplate carefully. Some decisions may be (prematurely) final when they might not have to be.
I live in an area that has possibly the worst mental health care in my country. Twice I’ve been held against my Liberty at the local mental health hospital. A psychiatric nurse attempted to abuse me and it didn’t end well for him or me. Sadly the NHS psychiatrists in my area are overworked and ambivalent to their patients needs. Please believe that I’ve tried everything available. I’m not really scared of death, it’s time that I had some peace.
I want you to find the peace you’re seeking…. I just with you’d give yourself the opportunity to get some help. All I can ask is that you think about it. Carefully.
Hey, don’t suppose you’re from the south west of England are you? worst mental health care?
Thank you for your caring words but this has turned from from a cathartic letter into another stress I don’t need.
Thank you anyway
I’m from Yorkshire
ahhh I always thought where i was was the worst for mental health in England, It must be bloody bad in Yorkshire then! i’m actually a Sheffield Wednesday fan and probably one of the only ones who have never even been to Sheffield! lol!
supernik…..
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hey dude hang in there i know how you feel i been mentally ill for years, i got schizophrenia but u cant lose hope