Since I was born I’ve been a good soul, I know this inside. I’m far from perfect who isn’t? But what’s my point, None I barely can hold on much longer. Wishing for true help. Save me, in need of loving comfort. I want to feel actual love.
To start off, I was officially adopted in court at age 8. I am half anglo half hispanic but take more to my mothers side white appearance. I don’t know why I was really given up. I’m told i’m a crack baby and that my Mexican dad died from alchohol use. My biological mom had me young. It hurts more than most people know to be adopted. I’m missing the feeling of being loved.
Who wants to live when they feel nobody cares including their own self. Not me. I love but my heart’s broken from evil people who said they cared. I have a beautiful girlfriend who I see cares now. To lift me up. Be there for me. But then i’m somewhat nervous about being let go of. When i was let to fall I developed severe trust issues i now talk of easier. Here we go.
I attempted suicide, and failed. Had I used a different method I’d be not here. I used my saved antidepressants and adhd pills to od secretly in the bathroom at my place. My close friends discovered. They opened the bathroom door but instead of love they changed to downgrading me and telling me harsh hateful words to leave the world im not needed by them either. U arnt loved, you can fall. Then they left me to od off to death. You need but can’t always be saved mby help.
I was a victim of bullying through middle school and then till senior year of HS. Went through counseling off and on labeled a problem child and needing special accomodations and easier classes.
Crying to sleep was a usual routine for me in HS. Especially the day my friend died from outside of school, Michael. A true hero and role model to me and many it hurt so bad im crying writing this like hard. Never felt that pain so deep. And ive lost many close family and friends since and before that. That also keeps me questioning my beliefs in the afterlife.
Cutting slits and self mutilation by burning deep became a way of coping and last resort of crying out for help while thinking about suicide alot. It was maybe like cries for help without speaking. It’s a: will you notice me? (I still do sometimes) But it wasnt to get attention about the slits. It was to get attention by love and get help. To me, these slits are minor, ER stitches are minor, suicide isnt. Im semi glad to have lived. Not really though overall. Overall fml.
And comon Matt, you failure. Fucker you’re 24 and you dont have a job now or a set up future your a damn dissapointment. You can’t provide. An un independent and worthless burden. Get a life or lose yours. Low life waste of earths air. Make someone happy. Have an impact. Do something Stevo. Because no matter what they say, you know you’re trash and nothing till you succeed and get real results not just hopes dreams and goal. But yes Matt, you are a loser. It’s true.
Sometimes I think i’m haunted by demons. Showing up to me in physical form. Im staying strong alap. Idc what they say im doing me not anyone else. Idc what anyone says now i just form my own view for myself. I have my own view on suicide. That is that its honorable. Its sad and far from selfish. And it should be prevented. Im pretty solo on that oh and hated and looked at to be stupid. Look, idc remember. What should I stress for on that? Really.
God’s probably evil. Sadly. Fuck my life but fuck my demons too. I’ll fight when i’m outnumbered i’m standing strong to all opposition of good.
I hope someone will reach out and help me who actually cares and means it from heart. I need it bad because im holding on my best but i know i will eventually fall into another suicide attempt. And this time it will be successful. Noones saving me from a gun to my head. Not even a guardian angel it’s choice.
People need people. Im there for you. I will never let you fall. Please somebody care and help me. Im hitting my rock bottom. I gota step up. Its on me. I must do this. Myself too. But idk what’ll happen.. i might kill myself, I might get help. So there’s no promise that im safe. I love people though, remember that. Sincerely, Matt
1 comment
Well thanks for sharing your story. Yeah it must have been rough to have been adopted at the age of 8 and then feeling like your family is broken. I was not adopted but I grew up in an abusive family and that can be even worse. I still struggle in my 40’s from bad events that happend to me in my childhood. I also like you have had some suicide attemps and I will probbbly try agin somedy when the time is right and I have the right means to do it.
I feel for your pain being bullied and having people mistreat you. I hope that thigs get bettter.
You should try to make positive friends that will support you in life not tear you down.
I dont know your exat age… but getting prepared for a career in life is important.
because life is long and you need to make decent money if you want a good life.
Try find counselor or somebody to help you out with the depression