Failure suicide attempts

I was have been depressed since  march of this year. and the trigger was separation from my husband. I have loved my husband and left everything for him and now he kicked me out of the house because i called the cops on him as i was slapped and was injured once. I have hired a lawyer to get the charged dropped or atleast convey to the prosecutor for leniency. We both have our flaws and i am from get go willing to seek couples counselling. I have been so helpless and a failure as i was hoping to be a good wife. i still love my husband a lot but he and my in-laws do not care at all. I went to my mother-in-law four five times when he hurt me or called me names. she did not do nething probably because he was his son so there was this bias.

My first attempt: i slit my wrist and i failed as the scissors was too blunt so i didn’t need stitches the second time i use a knife but my mother interfered (she came to visit me from overseas after i was thrown out of the house by my husband), i stayed in a hostel for few days and then rented an apt. i have deep mark from the cut. i did not go to the doctor because i was scared of doctor calling the police and reporting me as suicidal. I was persistent to kill myself so in sept’14 i took anvils and rubbing alcohol and my aunt called the police and i was taken to the hospital and was on form 1 and was diagnosed with depression.

now it is mid sept. I again tried suicide attempt a week later i was on my own in my apt. my friend called me everyday to check on me, now this was my fourth attempt: took 26 tylenols, 8 tramadols and antidepressant-cipralex. Unfortunately nothing happened i threw up all day and thats it. My friend called i told her i am not feeling well. I lied to her that i ate pasta and i think pasta sauce had gone bad and i was throwing up and cannot walk. I literally was tired my stomach was hurting, tried to stay in bed because i got up i felt like throwing up. by the end of the day all i was throwing was yellow fluid.  my friend came to pick me up from my apt as i could not walk to the subway station. She saw me in a bad shape. I was taken to the a family doctor as i begged her to not to take me to the hospital.

I was taken to her family doctor she wanted me to get blood test done and gave me medicine for my stomach. i stayed on yoghurt for few days as it was helping my stomach. my anti-depressant dosage was upped from 10mg to 20mg. i felt better for a week or two and then i started eating 10 advils everyday for two weeks . and nothing happened. all it did was i was sleeping all day long. mind you i was behind my school work. then in mid october my friend got worried as she saw my eyes were yellow and my skin was very pale yellow. She made appointment with the same doctor. I saw that doctor on friday but i did not tell her i have been taking advil. she told me to continue with antidepressant.

And since last two weeks i have taken 2 months of antidepressants with nyquil coz i read it can cause death and coma. I am still alive. i cannot jump from high-rise building or from a bridge or throw myself in front of the subway because i do not want to cause terror in someones mind. I want end my pain but not cause pain to someone else. My only have my mom and if u say i do not care for her. I do care for her but she will live another 5 yrs or so coz she is a cancer patient. And if she goes before me i have no one else to live for so i want to go before her. And as for my husband and my-in0laws they never cared for me and by now he must have found someone else.

Please help me find a way to go. I beg you…