No purpose in life

I’m a 23 years old Asian girl. I’m sorry if my English is not good (also posting by my cell phone) and my life story is too long. In my country, my family was quite poor and I wasn’t really good at studying. My only hope was not to become a failure like my parents. I hated my father for being so helpless and not trying hard to take care of my family. When my aunt suggested for my family to immigrate to the country I’m living in right now, I was thrilled with joy. I hated my country and their education system. All my family members didn’t want to move but I strongly insisted in moving. My father stayed in Asia and his reason for staying was just so stupid. He didn’t want to move because alcohol and cigarettes are so expensive in Western country, he can’t have friends and find a job. I didn’t really care about him because I hated him and he was so strict all the time. Before we moved, I was dumb enough to believe that my life would change if I just know how to speak/write English properly. I thought I could become an English teacher in Asia later.

So after we came to Western country, we stayed at my aunt’s home for 4 months and her family wasn’t really nice to us. They all pretended like my family is homeless. Well, my family only had $10000 in savings and we never owned a house. My aunt was really rich and she helped my mom getting a job and bought an apartment so we can pay rent to her every month. Even though she helped us so much, she was really mean/hysterical to us so everybody hated her.

When I finally started my high school, somehow I had to start from end of grade 9 (in Asia, I didn’t even finish grade 8). I found it really unfair but the counsellor didn’t wanna care. My English was really bad so obviously I could not understand anything. Math was easy because every test was very simillar to homework. No logical thinking was required. But I almost failed Science. In the beginning some people said hi to me and talked to me but I couldn’t understand them. Then they all ignored me. I had no friends at all. I was so lonely and sad.

After like a year, my English got better and I was getting top mark in most of my classes including English class. I also met a new best friend from Asian country. Our English was poor but we could communicate in easy English. When my friend told me she’s planning to go to one of the top universities in this country, I decided to go together. After like 2 years in high school we finally made some more friends and we could graduate with lots of friends together. I could even find a prom partner.

We went to the same university but we had different majors. In the beginning, I was so happy to make so many friends from my Asian country and met a first boyfriend. But studying was so tough so I failed 2 courses in 1st year and cried all the time. I let out my stress to my boyfriend and got so jealous because he was too smart. He was still very nice to me. The university English courses were nothing like high school courses. They were so hard so I got so much help from my bf. I relied on him too much cuz we had the same courses. We skipped classes together but his mark was always high.

After 1st year my best friend quit school cuz her bf  cheated on her and studying was tough. At that time I was too busy dating (I know I was a mean ***** who didn’t care about her friend).

Since I failed courses, I tried my best but studying was so hard. I was about to fail another course but my close friend didn’t want to help me. I didn’t even want to copy her hw. I just wanted her to explain to me… She didn’t help and I tried hard to pass that course (I somehow passed after failing 2 midterms) but I failed another course at that time.

After that time I didn’t want to talk to that friend anymore so I began ignoring people. I deleted people from my contacts and quit fb. My bf went to another city for working so I just stayed at my dormitory and talked to no one. I only went to my classes and ate instant noodles. I just played computer games on the weekend and didn’t meet anyone. I also had 3 hamsters. I had 3 roommates who shared bathrooms and a kitchen but they were not friendly. I got fatter and I had rashes on my leg, lips, scalp, and a finger.

It’s been like 3 years since that tme. I exercised almost everyday and ate lots of veges. My skin rashes got better but they keep coming back. I got new rashes on my upper front body, neck, leg and back of my hand. They are gone but now I have on my scalp and hand. Sometimes they are so itchy so I can’t sleep. I keep putting steroid cream.

Now I don’t have any friends and I could not find any job. I tried my ass off to graduate that horrible university but I can’t find any job with that degree. I’m super shy to talk to other people. I worry about every little thing. “What if that person thinks my English is bad?” “What if that person thinks I’m weird?” How can I bear that sadness? So I just don’t talk to anyone. I live at my boyfriend’s home cuz my family always looked at me like I’m wasting my life everyday. I failed my life. My boyfriend has been nice to me but I get really anxious, sad, or angry sometimes cuz I don’t know wth I’m doing right now. I’m bored but I’m afraid to go out and deal with other people. I constantly worry about my English. I want to watch some shows, listen to music in Asian language and meet Asian people so I don’t have to speak in my poor English. My listening is not good so I can’t bear the awkwardness when I didn’t understand properly.

I always worry about everything. Now I think my bf also thinks I’m pathetic. So I cry and we fight. When he doesn’t come comfort me, I just get so sad so I used to damage myself (banging my head into wall, pinching off my arm’s skin, punching the wall). I sometimes punched my bf for not coming back to me. He didn’t hit back but eventually he hit me back. I was so shocked and I thought my life is really ruined. I just wannna die. But I kept begging back to him cuz I was afraid to die and I don’t know where to go.

I’ve been interested in cooking/baking recently and my bf encourages me to find a job in baking but I never wanted to become a cook cuz my mom is a cook. I tried looking for some part time jobs but nobody wants to hire me.

I always wondered why am I living.. My mom used to say I wish you were not born. I always yelled back I wish I wasn’t born too. Then I don’t have to worry about this pathetic life.

Btw my father never supported us in money and he came to visit only once. He stopped calling so I don’t care shit about him.

I just wish I could die but why am I so afraid to die. I don’t want to get up from my bed. What’s the point? Everyday is the same boring day.