This is my final year if highschool. I have no will to continue going to school, it makes me miserable. I have no will to continue working. I am payed well for my age, $14hr is great money for a highschooler, but I haven’t been able to enjoy it. I feel myself spiriling into another bout. This happens every month. My job is physical, fast paced and stressful. At times, I feel my body and mind trying to shut down on me. I’ve wanted to just give up, lay on the floor and cry at work many times. I should be happy to have such a good thing going.
Instead I feel repulsed and ashamed.
I spent majority of my young life hidden behind a computer screen. I deemed myself unworthy of human interaction and spent the nights hating myself, exactly how I do now. It’s the only way I’ve known how to be my entire life. My entire life has been the exact same feelings of inadequacy and misery. For as long as I can remember being alive, I can remember being unhappy. Unhappy with myself, the people around me for not understanding or caring, generally unhappy. I should be finishing highschool this year, instead, I’m still unsure if that will happen. I have almost given up completely. I feel that there was never a secure future for me. I would grow from a miserable teenager into a miserable adult and eventually, take my life as a result of it. This is how I’ve thought since the notion of the “real world” soon approaching entered my head. I have accomplished nothing in this short time span. My only accomplishment is losing weight as a result of starving myself one summer. I am repulsed with my body. I know under my squishy exterior, I am beautiful and confident, but my time is consumed with working and school, I have no source of transportation so I can only walk to the gym on occasion. I am miserable in this shell. My family dislikes me. I feel it when I enter a room. I feel the only secure thing in my life is my job, but not even there am I not respected and seen as a valuable person. My illness is ruining my job for me. It makes me incompetent and fatigued most days, as a result, people wonder why I was given such a high position. I sometimes wonder the same. Tomorrow I will go to school and be miserable. My teachers will tell me to stop being lazy and work, but I can’t even hold my pen without shaking with nervousness. All the pretty girls that once wanted to get to know me now want nothing to do with me. I feel my misery reflect on the happy people i spend time with sometimes. It’s so frustrating. The only friends I’ve kept are the miserable ones with no direction. My best friend, the only other person I’ve met who was as used to being unhappy as me left to Oklahoma to avoid going to college. I wish I could get drunk with him every night and drink away our worries. I wish I could have all the pretty girls and make them feel beautiful. I wish I wasn’t destined to live for nothing and die early