Another Night of Pain

Just when you think things are looking up and getting better, life finds a way to deepen the pain. Am I being tested? Is this some cruel joke? I’m getting exhausted fighting on each day to avoid hurting my parents and friends. I like to imagine they’re just pretending to care to make it easier for me to go, but I know it isn’t true. I started praying to God again for help, something I haven’t done in 3 years. Things have only gotten worse since then. Maybe I just want to believe that I’m not in control of my own destiny, because me in control means a shotgun in my mouth and my brain hopefully destroyed and incapable of functioning again. Don’t ever give your heart to someone, it always ends in pain. I wish the fear of blowing off my jaw or disfiguring my face with an improperly placed shot wasn’t so damn strong, it’s probably the only emotion stronger than the sadness. I keep thinking “today will be the day, I’m gonna do it, I’m not afraid” but every day I find myself too scared to even try. The numerous attempts at hanging myself end in a panicked pulling off of the noose. Perhaps my day will come soon. Until then, more of my pathetic rants will be posted, I’m sure of it. Time to go add a few more cuts to the collection. Have a good night everyone.