I don’t know if I can handle this anymore… I’m tired of the way I’m living right now; I have so much on my chest right now, I want to let it all out.
when I was 5, I went to a Christmas Eve party at my cousins house. I was very bored so my mother told me to go find my brother that was with my cousin in his room. so I went over there and they were playing video games. I felt sleepy so I decided to go on the bed to rest. As I was laying down, I didn’t realized what my cousin would try to do when my brother was in the same room. He got on the bed and went underneath the covers where I was at. He took my hand and made me touch him; I tried to remove my hand from where it was at and when I moved it, he grabbed my hand tighter put it back right where he put it the first time and wouldn’t let go; I was scared and didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t call out to my brother or to anyone outside of the room cause I lost my voice from being frightened. I had to endure this for 5 minutes and that was when his mother walked into the room. All she saw was him under the blankets with me but nothing else and I was to afraid and confused about what was occurring to say anything about it. From thereafter, I , for a 5 years, had a phobia of boys or older boys coming to close to me (physically). I never told my family about it; only two friends cause I had my old phobia reappear last semester in Gym class while they were next to me. As I grew up, the phobia and trauma started to fade little by little, but the memory was still there, cause every holiday, I get to see my same cousin walk up to me, acting like it all never occurred, hugging me very tightly, and I then put on a fake smile that makes me feel even worse. To this day, every time I look at my left hand, I just want to cut it off, thinking it would help me get rid of my horrible memory. Growing up , I was always bullied at school, and I hid it from my family and the few friends I had that didn’t know that it was occurring. I went to middle school, and I fell for one boy after the long years of my phobia; I told him I liked him in 8th grade, which was 3 years later, and he didn’t give me a response. On the day of his birthday, he asked me out and pretended to be all caring towards me, but it was all a lie. When I wasn’t around, when ever someone asked about our relationship he told them that he was only going out with me because his friends force him to. when I found out this, I was devastated. My depression and anxiety from everything from elementary and beginning of middle school hit me. He found out that I knew what he was saying to people and that I was sad; which a week after we started going out, he broke up with me over text messaging on a Friday afternoon. I locked myself up in my room and cried out all of my tears. I started to cut my self. a few months later, I stopped cutting, but now scratches my arm really hard until I see blood dripping down my arm. My parents never notice anything…and I lost all on my friends around that time…. so I was always alone. In now in high school, and I have so much on my mind… in gym last semester, a bunch of people who acted like my friends, turned against me…bullied me… threw broke pencils, pens, markers that bleed everywhere, and paper… called me a whole bunch of names … poured food that looks like throw-up all over my things at school and all in my school bag and my clothes, jacket, and gym uniform…. I started scratching my arm even more… until one point, I was in the bleachers and I started to cut my arm with sharp plastic that they threw at me… my cousin , jasmine ,who seen what was occurring stopped me and cursed them all out and threatened them… a few weeks later, the bully stopped, but the pain didn’t…. I now have like 30 friends, but I don’t really trust them… I go to school everyday putting on a fake smile… the only time my smile isn’t fake and i’m actually happy is when i’m next to my boyfriend. i truly love him with all my heart but would he hurt me the same? would he lie and break my heart? … im sooo scared that I will be hurt again.. will I ever feel more loving towards my self? will I learn to trust again?… its all I think about these past few months… its all swirling around in my head right now and I feel like im suffocating….
to all who is reading this, if my story is bothersome towards you in anyway, Im sorry…im very sorry.. but if I didn’t say anything at all….. I would be swallowed whole by all of this and more, and I would turn to the worst way possible to solve my problems……………….I would feel suicide is reasonable, and right now, I want to live not die. I want to hope for something better for myself.