This time of year always fucks me up, the goddamn school year is starting again. I don’t know, when I look back, the year don’t seem so bad but its the before and during that makes me wanna kill myself? If that makes any sense? Like the anticipation of knowing my anxiety levels will be off the roof again? Knowing that I will be aware of every move and word that comes from my mouth? Knowing that nothing really matters yet I fuckin care and make myself think that I need to impress and make sure people don’t get a hint that I actually want to fuckin blow my brains out? Oh and theres a plus–I have no friends!! Woo!! Such a great feeling to not have anyone to talk to!! Wow!! Being a fuckin loner SUCKS!! yet I put that upon myself. People try to make friends with me but I just push them away and i still have no fuckin clue as to why I do that. I think I do it unconsciously. I always say to myself that I don’t need companionship but I think its just a way to make my sorry ass feel better. But who knows maybe this year will be different and i’ll actually be relaxed or some shit and maybe just maybe i’ll feel some sort of content-ness. Hell I hope I gain some friends
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Easier said than done but try to go into the school positive. I’ll be honest, school was bad for me but now I’m graduated and things are way worse than when I was in school. Maybe this will be the year everything changes for you in a good way. You say you push people away when they try to make friends with you and you don’t know why. I’ve done that with people and the reason I do that is I’m scared to become attached and then they leave me or betray me because it’s happened before. Maybe that has happened to you before? Just a thought. I’m hoping things turn around for you this year.