Day One

I call this day one because this is the first day I haven’t cried in a really long time. I’ve come to believe the fact that Jordan will not come back to me. That who ever wrote the quote, if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it was always yours. And if it doesn’t, it never was; never dated a stubborn, prideful, Army Ranger.

I can admit I fucked up. I completely screwed up our dreams of marriage, happiness and children. I can say, I never cheated, never thought about it and never wanted anything more in my life than his love. And that’s probably where I went wrong. I was so focused on him I stopped caring about myself. And that’s where my depression probably began. It doesn’t help that my family moved away, that all my friends are happily married and/or with kids. Or the fact that a man I considered a Father to me died within the past month. It also doesn’t help when your boyfriend is TDY for three months and your left alone in a big house with nothing to do. For anyone who isn’t in a military relationship/military brat you probably won’t understand where I’m coming from. And that’s okay.

I called my insurance company yesterday and found I did indeed have Mental Health Benefits! Thank God!! I’ve called two different therapists and left messages to make appointments. I guess their not open… I’m excited to finally let everything out and then be able to let it go. I’ve never gone to a  psychiatrist before so I’m hoping I don’t talk about more than just my pain I’m having now because Lord knows I’ve gone through my fair share in my 24 years of living.

one of my friends said she would help me get ready to start college for Spring so I can focus on something. Finally doing me!  I do need to go out and look for a second job. I also need to find a new place to live and I currently don’t make a lot of moolah. So I’m hoping all of this falls together sooner than later. I also want to start yoga or getting a PT to help me do something in my spare time.

Ive only been on this site for over two weeks blogging but I’ve followed you all for almost a year. I’ve talked about being sad, lonely, depressed. I’ve shared my secrets. I’ve opened up about my selfharm and my thoughts of suicide. And I’m hoping I can continue ranting and letting go, in hopes of better helping myself and others.