Excuse the spelling mistakes but I am am currently crying and i will not check over this post.
I have psychosis and schitzophrenia. In my case, I hallucinate all the time and find it very hard to tell who is real and who isn’t. thats not the thing thats bugging me though, i can deal with harmless, imaginary people walking around. what i cant deal with is the episodes. my episodes consist of me black out, then waking up (i dont know how much longer later apparently it varies from 10minutes-2hours) covered in cuts, usually deep ones that need stitches. theyre usually on my neck and face. Obviously i had cut myself but i have no recollection of doing it. i feel like its him. one of the people i see. when i black out he hurts me. hes slowly killing me and i have to beat him. i will not be killed by my ‘imaginary friend’.
so, having never posting on this site before, i thought i would give it a go.
i am going to kill myself tonight.
i have attempted before over 25 fucking times and only a few landed me in hospital.
im not going to fail this time.
when the lights go out and my family is asleep, i will hang myself.
just thought id share my story here.
goodbye everyone, i wish you all the best.
love elvenzero
13 comments
Much love to you — sorry about your crappy experience. My Aunt suffered entity attacks quite fierce, all kinds of harms. Over time it died down, but no doubt while it was getting worse it was no fun, and it stuck around quite awhile.
I wish you a bright future. I’m glad you’ve been well adjusted to the real vs imaginary thing, because yeah, it totally doesn’t matter. It’s all kind of fake and real, everything really.
I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through. If you do end up coming back here, I hope I get a chance to talk to you more. If you succeed… I hope it’s a bearable exit and you end up in a happier place. I’m sending lots of love your way.
I have no words, only empathy. I hope you find peace.
A good friend of mine died because of schizophrenia about ten years ago. His family took me in when I was a teenager and homeless. He and I became great friends. (Shhh… Don’t tell anyone, but Dungeons & Dragons was involved!) He was a brilliant and loving man and had a sense of humor that eclipsed mine a thousand fold. I miss him and I regret to this day that we never sat down and talked about his illness, what he was experiencing, and how it affected him. I tried to “keep it light,” but in doing so I may not have been helpful when he needed it.
I hope you come back and tell us more of your story. I will listen.
Hello all,
I had an episode and cut my neck and face.
I am now on watch 24/7 so I will not be killing myself tonight.
Sorry to hear that. 🙁
Let us know how it goes.
Hugs! Please, yes, keep in touch.
Same here, hope something good comes out of it.
Just stay strong sweetie.. you’ll be okay. I promise. If not now, you will be eventually.
I cannot even begin to imagine how hard that must be, i’m really sorry that you’ve had to endure that sort of situation. That said… well, i really hope that you find peace if you do end up taking your life tonight. If you don’t, you’re always welcomed to continue posting here like the rest of us.
That sounds really overwhelming, I can only imagine what you are going threw. I know it seems pretty hopeless and just existing is exhausting. if anything know I’m here to talk or whatever. hope things settle down a bit for you.
Thank you all so much for the lovely comments.
I’m a transgender male and I just found out I am being referred to the gender clinic.
I’m extremely happy about this, I hope things look up from here on out 🙂
If anyone needs to talk, please feel free to message me.
Much love
Elvenzero
That’s good to hear. 🙂 Hopefully more things can improve for you.
Elvenzero,
I read through your OP and was so sad to hear of your struggles and how you felt like the only way to take control of your life was to kill yourself.
I’m really happy for you to see your last comment about being referred to the gender clinic. I really deeply hope this gives you a sense of yourself and who you can truly be, you can be a strong in control person who has a life ahead of them.
<3 sending so much love please keep us updated with how things are going for you xo