I’m back again in SP, well, of course. Never actually left. I’m in a strange mood in a bad way so I think this will be a ranting post of how undecided/unsure I am about some important things. Just going to number them, I like structure, haha.
I’m sure I should exit. This is the correct and logical decision for me. And I have some arguments that are pro and against which totally confuses me.
- I can fail. Although my method is quite sure, there is always a chance. Most likely I will back out because survival instinct is a ..tch. Then it will be a huge mess, lots of explaning and probably legal issues as well. Just terrible.
- Survive with massive damages. Live like a plant. Not very likely, but would you risk such a thing even if there is 1% chance?
- Cannot die because of reasons we don’t know. Maybe we get stuck in a dimension, or die physically but feel everything that happens after etc. etc.
- Life can be very beautiful. I’m a person who can be happy with little things. And there are so many of them in this world. I’m not done, I want to experience those things. I have never had a relationship, neither physical nor emotional, so I would like to have one. Traveling, reading, watching stuff, all great.
Lets see the reasons that are pro-exit:
- It makes no difference We all die at the end. And I’m 30 so about half of my life is gone anyways. Whether you enjoyed your life or not doesn’t matter because soon, you are gone. Yeah maybe you’ll have kids or success etc. but those are all illusions. It doesn’t matter to the dead.
- Death is not bad. It is nothingness, it cannot be defined. It should feel just like before you were born. Did it feel bad? Certainly not.
- My life will suck seriously Away from everything I want, away from everything I like or care for. Living alone another 30 or so years, dying parents, health problems to come. No job, no travel, no nothing. Everything taken away slowly and nothing I can do about it.
- I’m indifferent I look back and think, did I have a good time on this world? Sure I did, it wasn’t bad. But would I exchange it for not being born for example? Would it matter for me if I never experienced those things. That’s also fine, no problem, it doesn’t matter to me. So not experiencing the future is also not a problem.
- There is pain ahead Similar to 3. My life, if I decide to live, will be very hard. Is it worth it to go through? Absolutely not, certainly not. Most pragmatic, logical decision is to quit now.
At the end, I don’t know. Considering all the points above, at the end, I don’t know. What happens next is unknown. I’m tired and I want it to end. I’m indifferent to life. I certainly don’t want to die but I don’t want to suffer living either. I want to go away from everything or just sleep, I want to know that I’m sleeping and nothing can change it. Death is the solution but it is not accessible to me at the moment.
Huge post, feel free to comment, SP is the only place where people can understand me.
11 comments
You could have a exciting profitable career in Risk Assessment!
I lied about the exciting part.
But def a high paying job.
Im 27 and and im just where you are in fact if it wasnt for my parents i would have done it already im so tired of this, but i dont wabt to make them suffer for losing their only son
I remember, I read your message yesterday nextime1988. I also have this thought of leaving them alone being a terrible thing to do, but for several reasons it is not so high up on my list. Mostly because I think they can handle it and also they are quite old themselves. Or maybe I’m being a massively selfish …hole but then, I can just decide not to do it at the last moment because of them.
Asshole, asshat, and assparagus are OK to say here. Emily Post crammed a salad fork directly into her temporal lobe and it’s been “ding dong the witch is dead” ever since.
Just FYI.
Hello. Welcome. I read your post, I don’t have much to add. It appears you covered all the bases tonight. ITA on there is always something around the corner interesting.
Thanks. Yes I think I covered all the things that matter, in my mind I’m ready to go although I know it is a sad thing to end it. Sure there can be some interesting things here and there, but it doesn’t justify or balance out so to say, all the hardship and suffering I have to endure. Not worth it at the end I mean.
Still, you did list there is hope. And you do have some things on your bucket list like travel, relationship and watching stuff. The world is full of stuff so do you think your bucket list will ever be complete since there is never ending stuff in the world?
Just a thought.
Glad you still have choices my friend.. perhaps you Only have to ask the right questions And be brave To answer them no matter how hard they might be. Dont wait until the only choice you have is leaping with your eyes closed or not so you can see the fall
It’s good that you’re listing out the reasons and thinking about it so thoroughly. You seem like the type of person who will come to the right decision, no matter what it is. Although my list of reasons differs from yours, I empathize with the going back and forth.