I’ve been thinking about suicide since I was 13 years old. That was a long time ago.
This morning I woke up alone in my house, with this urge to end it all even stronger than before, but I know I’m not gonna do it, because I’m a coward, because I’m afraid, because I don’t want more suffering. I know that if I try something I’m gonna fail and gonna be in a worst physical state. I have this horrible pain in my arms, I don’t know what it is, but the stress and the depression make it worse.
I checked Facebook and I found all this pictures of my so called friends, smiling, being happy, all without me. Why do I check FB, you ask? Because I believe that will give me the impulse to finally do it. Seeing how miserable I am while all the other people is happy, that will do. Or at least that’s what I think. It’s useless, just like me. It submerges me in a perpetual and silent agony.
I can’t tell anyone. I don’t want anyone to tell me I need help. I don’t want help. I just want to end it all.
For years I tried to be nice with everyone. I know I’m weird, but no one can accept that. I just had a girlfriend once, for two months, and I discovered later that she was with me out of pity, and the week after we were done she was with his ex, the one she always complained about. The girl I always liked at school never gave me a chance, and she did went out with the worst people in my class, even when I was her friend, even when I was to her side when she broke up with them.
My mother started to hate me. My whole family. I can’t keep a job. I’m a loser, I’m a failure. They ignore me. They ignore the changes I’ve tried to made. I get nothing but indifference. I’m alone right now, and in a lot of pain. Writing this is painful, emotionally and physically. Not even music, which used to soothe my senses, can help me right now.
I’m getting closer to the abyss. I only wish I can give that last step.
11 comments
Im afraid to end my own suffering too. I just deleted my facebook account last month because i too, was sick of all my friends and family sharing their happiness. Im in my 30s and i ran back to my parents that i thought hated me. They dont. They just want me to do and work and live for my own. If you want to talk let me know.
I fucking hate FB. I hate seeing how other people are happy when my life is so miserably. I get really jealous, even of people I don’t even know. Why are other people so happy and I’m not?
I’ve been trying to be positive lately, but it’s not working. Not at all.
I really hate my life.
Being positive doesn’t work, or at least doesn’t work for certain people. You try to treat people right, it doesn’t matter. They keep being indifferent.
There are many of FB that just fake it for FB. Me being one of them. You would never know what is really going on in my head or in my home based solely on my FB account, and that is exactly how I like it.
How old are you?
25
Im jealous of everybody too. I dont know their situations. Do the just get handed all the stuff or work for it. But they all seem to have the life i always wanted.
…A life you feel you will never have.
It just seems like everyone else have it easy. We are here to suffer. Sucks when you fail at life and be too much of a coward to even end that life. All that’s left to do is endure the suffering.
If you can’t cure it, endure it.
Hate Life…
I’m just at the midle of the post, but gotta to say, bro, pictures are just a moment, they mean nothing.
They can be much more miserable than you, you could check my photos at facebook, always with pretty and big smile, with friends and shit , and im just a broken soul.
Just want to tell you that you are not alone.
But why can’t I even have one of those moments? Why can’t even have the small detail of being invited to have those moments? I guess it’s not my right to have them.
Bish, at my current State i really dont have many answers , not even my opinion.
What i always did, and now im still doing, but with much more effort, because im all faked up, its to live my life you know? And do not give a fack to the others, just being me.
And its very hard, and devastating, because well we live as society and its faked up thing to be yourself, because everthing that surrounds you, influence ya no matter how.
We need to do this, we need to try, if we want a life, because yes we all do , badly, its human thing.
And ill give you a stupid advice, i agree with that, facebook and social networks are shit at some point, i fell into abyss because of it, or it helped so hard.. Still, but in my own opinion that online networks can improve the chance to meet people like us, but a big improve.
Look we are here all right now.. This is somekind of social network , do you get my point? You can find , meet, look, whatever , people that feat with you.. Just go back years and just imagine.. We without internet? No SP? Just as example. Im just pointing out, or trying, that i completly agree with you but if you look on the otherside you can find something great, you can find endless opportunites.