I wrote a previous post about me finally having the opportunity to see a psychologist. I also mentioned how I am going to end it all in a month.
Please hear me out:
I want the answers. I want to hear it from a real psychologist, the things I have. I want to know if there’s something else. I want to know if I have OCD or if its something else that makes me react at times. I want to hear the doctor confirm that, yes, I do have depression. Yes, I do have something. Yes, all my self-diagnosing was correct. I want to hear that I wasn’t just making my own diagnoses up. I want it to be confirmed. I want to die knowing it was real; that it wasn’t just me.
Thats what I want. I want to die knowing that, in a way, I was sane.
But I have limited time. I have April 6th as the final day.
The day of seeing the clinic (not even the real psychologist) is on March 22nd.
And then, getting the psychologist, that will take more time.
I want to tell the clinic that, sorry, I need this to be done ASAP. I need to hear it as fast as I can. I want to test out the anti-depressants, what if that change something?
But I can’t admit that. I wont. I’ll land myself in a hospital if I even dare to say that, yes, I am suicidal, and I’m going to kill myself in a month.
I don’t want to ask the clinic for a date that’s quicker. Because my guidance counselor is involved in this as well. What will they think? “I want to have this meeting as quick as possible because its urgent?” They’ll know its suicide. I need this done.
I also don’t want to bother them, because if I am so stuck to having this appointment done, getting “help,” and then killing myself. Well, its not fair.. I don’t want to drag in my guidance counselor in this and then die in a month. I don;t want to pressure the hospital just for one or two appointments only to kill myself in a month.
I’m sorry I wasn’t so detailed in the other one. Its just to hard to let everything out.
What do I do? Who do I talk to? The guidance? The clinic? ….
What is the point of helping myself?
I am a burden. I am pointless.
10 comments
You’re not a burden. You sound sane enough. You sound very sane. Maybe sane enough to really rethink this. You’re ok. You’re going to be OK..whatever you choose…or think….or opinions you collect…you..are..ok. Believe it.
So I shouldn’t go through with the appointment? o.o
Can someone please reply to this…:(
First: YES, I think it’s a good idea to go through with the appointment.
I’m confused as to why you are interested in receiving “help” if you are still 100% certain you will be dying on April 6th anyway.
Are you allowing for the fact that just maybe the therapy will change your plans?
Would you be ok with accepting that?
What if the therapy WILL help, but the relief will take more than a month to happen?
Is it no longer useful simply because it doesn’t fit the current timetable?
If you’re honestly looking for advice, mine is this:
Go to the appointment regardless of when it is scheduled.
(Even if it means your timetable is postponed.)
Honestly try to see if things might be salvaged or repaired to the extent that life might be worth it, for at least a while longer.
(Again, even if that means your timetable is postponed.)
Give it enough time to work. Sometimes meds and therapies take a while before you start seeing results. It could be quite a few months, but if that results in years of a better life, then I think it would be worth the inconvenience of missing your timetable.
I read this as you asked in the other post, and I just wanted you to know I did, but unfortunately I don’t have an answer.
There’s so much others don’t know.
Maybe no one can tell you for sure what it is that you are feeling and that’s terrible, so I don’t think you can get an easy answer even visiting an specialist.
If you are in pain only you can tell how serious it gets…
I don’t have anything for you… not about that.
But I would say it’s not same thinking about suicide, not because it could be bad in itself, but in the way it goes against being alive and heathy… it got to mean something doesn’t it?
I am tangling in my own words. Sorry.
I agree with Cordless that you should go regardless of when they can fit you in even if it postpones your plans. Which isn’t to say you shouldn’t ask for them to move the date up if it’s possible- maybe don’t say you’re suicidal but that you’re really worried about some things and would like to see the psychologist sooner if they can. I don’t think you have to necessarily give details. I would also say that if you’re 18 I don’t think they can hospitalize you without your consent but I’m not clear on this so don’t take my word for it (it might be worthwhile to look up the laws if you’re 18), but it sounds like you might be in high school so in that case yeah, don’t tell them until you’re actually talking to the psychologist.
As someone who is currently under 18 and seeing a therapist, I would advise you to tell the full truth to the psychologist as much as you possibly can so that they can help you more effectively. This includes talking about suicidal feelings, if you know what the consequences of that could be- they should be open about confidentiality with you and you can ask them their policy on that before you open up.
You’re not pointless or a burden. I hope you can talk to someone soon and that it goes well for you!
Thank you thank you thank you 🙂
This helped the most…
I couldn’t reply because I felt like I was being pulled at all directions with my own thoughts.
I will go through with it, at this point. I was just wondering if I should ask to move the date closer…would that land me in trouble…should I even do it if I am going to be gone in a month? But here you stated to try it. And Cordless suggested that it may end up helping if i did it, so I’ll try to make it sound pretty urgent…
Thank you.
This finally solves it.
I was so lonely about it, I was pondering about this for so long, when I left.
Thank you.
I’m happy to help, hope everything goes well!
yeah agree with 4beyondhelp
4beyondhelp spoke all of my thoughts, and so I’m not going to repeat those, but I want you to know that my blessings are with you and I hope you’ll pull through, and that we’ll see you here even after April 6. Looking forward to your next post.