I’m not dead yet -_-

I know that I haven’t been around for awhile…… I’m still alive 🙁 and no I’m not implying that I have attempted to change that…… Meh school things have been fairly stressful, and in addition to getting “help” most of my free time has been spent in bed. I’ve sort of been hanging out with people recently, I think I can call them friends, not certain though. Failing school and stuffs as always, my professors hate me because I am a failure who doesn’t take the classes that they teach seriously and I am simply wasting their time. My “friends” have also all mostly started dating people, so they will of course be gradually spending less time around me. 🙁 They will probably grow to hate me too, since they will probably be able to pick up on the jealousy (jealousy is the best fitting word here, but isn’t perfect) that I hold towards them…… It’s not like I have a romantic interest in them or the people they are dating or anything, nor do I have a romantic interest in anybody (never really have either) But I do sort of really want to date somebody, anybody really…… It seems nice to have somebody to be that close to. I guess I am mostly just jealous of their ability of developing interest in people and having a sex drive and all those normal things that they have that enables them to be able to date. :/ I wish I had those things. Meh oh well, I doubt that will ever be a thing I experience, friendship is surprising enough for me to have experienced. My birthday is soon too, this won’t really be an easy birthday either. This is the birthday that when I was very young that I had promised myself that I would kill myself on…… I made that promise to myself over 10 years ago, I don’t know why I chose this one, but it seemed like the right one. I really don’t know if I am ready to die yet though, I want to stay alive as this isn’t really a great time for my father right now…… But how will breaking a promise that I have always been intending to keep feel? I cut myself again tonight, my counselor is going to be mad at me about that 🙁 He probably hates me too…… I want to stop it, I want to stop hating myself too….. I just want to be like most other people……

Sorry for sounding like a whiny little *****, I just needed to tell somebody these things.