But I feel like I keep finding myself drinking more and more as time passes. And that’d be fine if there wasn’t this ever increasing desire to just keep drinking. I mean I had a few drinks about a week ago and as the week’s gone on I feel like all this jerking me around my life does has me just aching for it. Something’s gotta give here… either the bullshit life throws at me, or perhaps I’m subliminally asking for it or something, I don’t know, or my will to not become like the rest of my family members is going to break. And I know how that goes, I’ve watched it my whole life. Once that breaks once it’ll sate you and you’ll be fine for a while before it breaks again. Before you know it you’re drunk 24/7 and shit just gets worse from there.
Blah, I just need to vent and hope I feel better after I just get it all out there… honestly I wish I wasn’t such a coward so I could just end this damned roller-coaster ride. Some day man… some day we’re all going to die, and I don’t want every waking moment of this life to contain that here one day gone the next up and down of happiness and sadness. I should just know by now not to try to be happy. The higher you get the harder you come back down to earth. And my head hurts from re-entry all of the time.