I’ve got a major problem.
I guess I can’t go on anymore.
I think that I’ve been cheated. I think god(or whoever who created me) didn’t have any right to create me against my own will. all religious people react to that in a very bad way. they laugh at me, they humiliate me (and say I have no right to decide about want god should do and what not); and some of them who are not so arrogant try to make excuses for god’s doings. I hate all those people who love god for no good reason. happy people (I tend to call them “happy”) believe that our creation is a sort of god’s mercy. they think that we owe this wonderful opportunity to god. I wouldn’t call this life “a wonderful opportunity”. it’s a mixture of good and bad (I don’t deny some good things in it) but I hate the bad part so much that I prefer not to experience it at all. my problem won’t be solved even by dying, because there is no way to be assured that you will be free after death. it’s most likely to end up somewhere like this (or even worse) and I guess that god wouldn’t just let me go. I don’t know why god has created someone who hates being alive so much. why didn’t god created me like one of those “happy” people? why god created someone like me? someone so unsatisfied of everything. does he want me to suffer? I surely was innocent at first, so he’s punishing me for what? doesn’t he really see me? doesn’t he really realize that i’m suffering because of some mistake he is responsible for? is god so unaware of his children or he just doesn’t care about us? if i’m wrong and there is some answers to my questions, why doesn’t he help me find them? why doesn’t he feel responsible for me? he is the one who created me! he has to make sure that I (at least) am not suffering. I don’t want this life but here I am anyway, and the one who created me doesn’t care about me (if he does, he should show it to me! otherwise no one can blame me for hating him)
please don’t say happy things like “god has spoken to you already! you just don’t realize it!” because if god speaks to me in a way that I cannot understand, so he better go speak to himself.
some may think that my dissatisfaction is because I don’t worship god. but if I worship someone who I don’t believe in, my faith doesn’t mean anything.
I just want my right to decide for ‘being” or “not being”
sometimes I wonder if there is anybody in the universe who thinks like me.
thank you for reading this. may the god finally see us.