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I’m stuck on the ground

by an_old_child

I’ve got a major problem.

I guess I can’t go on anymore.

I think that I’ve been cheated. I think god(or whoever who created me) didn’t have any right to create me against my own will. all religious people react to that in a very bad way. they laugh at me, they humiliate me (and say I have no right to decide about want god should do and what not); and some of them who are not so arrogant try to make excuses for god’s doings. I hate all those people who love god for no good reason. happy people (I tend to call them “happy”) believe that our creation is a sort of god’s mercy. they think that we owe this wonderful opportunity to god. I wouldn’t call this life “a wonderful opportunity”. it’s a mixture of good and bad (I don’t deny some good things in it) but I hate the bad part so much that I prefer not to experience it at all. my problem won’t be solved even by dying, because there is no way to be assured that you will be free after death. it’s most likely to end up somewhere like this (or even worse) and I guess that god wouldn’t just let me go. I don’t know why god has created someone who hates being alive so much. why didn’t god created me like one of those “happy” people? why god created someone like me? someone so unsatisfied of everything. does he want me to suffer? I surely was innocent at first, so he’s punishing me for what? doesn’t he really see me? doesn’t he really realize that i’m suffering because of some mistake he is responsible for? is god so unaware of his children or he just doesn’t care about us? if i’m wrong and there is some answers to my questions, why doesn’t he help me find them? why doesn’t he feel responsible for me? he is the one who created me! he has to make sure that I  (at least) am  not suffering. I don’t want this life but here I am anyway, and the one who created me doesn’t care about me (if he does, he should show it to me! otherwise no one can blame me for hating him)

please don’t say happy things like “god has spoken to you already! you just don’t realize it!” because if god speaks to me in a way that I cannot understand, so he better go speak to himself.

some may think that my dissatisfaction is because I don’t worship god. but if I worship someone who I don’t believe in, my faith doesn’t mean anything.

I just want my right to decide for ‘being” or “not being”

sometimes I wonder if  there is anybody in the universe who thinks like me.

thank you for reading this. may the god finally see us.

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WhySkyEnd 12/6/2016 - 12:35 pm

I feel the same way, I didn’t choose to be created or brought into this horrific world, I didn’t take some vote before birth as to who will get to experience life. And yet I’m told it is a blessing, a gift from god. Well he can have that “gift” back. I would love to have been created as one of those happy, go getters that have a good easy life.

an_old_child 12/6/2016 - 1:02 pm

I love the part you said “he can have that “gift” back” *smiles sadly*

The Last Snorlax 12/6/2016 - 12:50 pm

sadly I don’t believe in god, a god, any higher power, -points to my 10 page manifesto to why I cant believe
so, since from my perspective there is no higher power, no god, I/we cant owe god anything
we don’t even owe our parents, our family or society anything. We only owe ourselves
We owe ourselves everything, and yet we owe ourselves nothing more than we need or can handle.

It is your life, live it for you, and if you truly feel you can’t do that, then you have any right to choose what you want, think, feel however you want.
you don’t have to die for anyone else, or anything else, you don’t have to live for any”thing” else, only you and yourself
Life and/or Death, these are all, and only ever yours, no others’,
thus nothing else have no say in the matter, but you.

an_old_child 12/6/2016 - 1:01 pm

if there’s no god, then whom can I blame?
the problem is that I’m not sure what happens after death, and I’m not sure killing myself will improve my situation; so I just keep going and going in hopes to disappear completely one day.

The Last Snorlax 12/6/2016 - 1:25 pm

if there is no god who can you blame? no one, everyone
the thing is we humans like to place blame, we would love nothing more than to pint point the reason for something bad, and stick to something else, preferably put it in a neat little box and throw that box in a deep ocean ravine.
the thing is, we don’t need to.
if we can accept things, and deal with them, god or bad, in healthy manner, eventually the issue wont matter.
doubts can always be there, doubts are easy, uncertainty and the fear it causes, “not knowing”
don’t worry about knowing everything, accept somethings are our of your reach and influence, free your mind of the burdens of “whats and ifs”, and take peace in what you know, see, feel, what is.
not what might be, what could have been if only this and that, all that is irrelevant
all you have is today and tomorrow, the day after doesn’t even matter, the day before yesterday matter even less. so if that doesn’t matter, what comes after that, after everything, matters even less.
If god were real, our father/mother, a parent. what would matter most? that you lived your life for him? or you lived for yourself, to be happy?
a good parent, thus a good god, cares nothing more than their child is happy and good, they might not agree in the way, but in the end they just want they son/daughter to be happy and good, and if they only have tomorrow left, they just want you to be happy tomorrow and nothing else and not worry about them but only yourself and your own happiness

no one can or will ever know what comes next, in life or after death, we have only the moment, so that is all that matters
if your current moments are unbearable you should find ways to make them better
if it had truly come to that moment, where you couldn’t bear anymore, you would have no doubts, and your parents would forgive and understand your decision,
because your happiness is all that mattered, no matter the circumstance
if you had no doubts it was the right decision for you, how would god be unable to understand and forgive that?

unless god wasn’t there. in which case, win win, no worries

if you have any doubts, of anything, in anything, it is Life telling you to live, to change, find change, to live different so you can live Life, for you, so you can be happy in your Life
You owe Life to no one but yourself, you live Life for you

an_old_child 12/6/2016 - 1:46 pm

firstly, thank you for writing all that, it’s precious to me.
secondly, my main problem is that I don’t want to live at all. you said I live life for myself, but I don’t want to live life for anyone; including myself.
though as you said, no one can or will ever know what comes next, in life or after death. I completely agree to that. so i only have this moment and i should make a better today for myself. but i don’t have the motivation to do anything. i don’t even like to do things i used to love. that’s why i’m stuck on the ground

The Last Snorlax 12/6/2016 - 2:02 pm

thing is, if you feel that way, and are truly done, you would have no doubts or worry about what you felt like you wanted to do next

when you do, however small, it might appear the same but is not. weighed down, held back yes, but not done.
I have no doubts you feel these things, and motivation is not lost lightly, but it is not regained lightly either
so you reach out, you cry out, you try, and try again, until you along the way discovers something that motivates you, just enough, until your doubts are gone, and your motivation more stable
if then along the way your don’t find your motivation and your doubts clears off in the other direction, then at that point you have no issue with your own decision
as long as anything holds you back, however tiny or insignificant that fragment seems, that is something inside you telling you try try again, change, something different, use enough chances, to find that something that the little fragment that is making you hold on is telling you to try/find.
as long as a little tiny fragment of a voice inside of you is “hindering” you, well, then you gotta go on until you satisfy your voice, your voice of Life
Not easy, might even be hard, but you gotta make that voice, that fragment, disappear, one way or another, good or bad,
you will know which when the time has come for you in your Life

Stardust 12/6/2016 - 5:17 pm

There is life after death and God does exist , first off I have to state that I detest religion therefore it plays no part within my words. I would never mislead anyone , also , if I did mislead you then I would be damming myself and I don’t need that hanging over me ! I say this because you have to account for your life which obviously means you are free to live life as you see it .
Years ago I crossed over and walked around talking to people but only after I spoke to God and Goddess . I was in physical form yet have no recollection of entering into another body yet the journey back to here was short as in seconds so the outward journey must be the same . For me there was no bright lights nor was there any sensation of travel . The reason I was there is deeply personal and maybe one day I shall share with you , far too many believe death is the end and that you no longer exist in any shape or form . I don’t know what happens if you take your own life and if free will allows this or will there be repercussions , I wish I could go back and ask .
Several years before this happened , I was rushed to hospital by car , couldn’t wait on an ambulance and the medical staff told me that when they came outside to get me they all thought I was already dead , following day I woke up in ICU and discovered that nurse’s from each shift had sat at my bedside constantly until I opened my eyes , I asked why and they fussed over me making sure I was comfortable yet never answered my question , just telling me that I needed to rest and that the doctor was on his way to see me . When he arrived he asked the nurses to leave , he looked at the monitors and my chart and then he said to me “somebody up there likes you, ” he went to the door to leave and I asked “what do you mean ? ” and he just smiled and left . I asked the nurses what happened to me for the doctor to say this , and again it was smiles and being told to relax . Admitted in the afternoon till the following evening is a total blank , I had bled out internally and lost most of my blood . Was this the catalyst for my journey ?

The Last Snorlax 12/6/2016 - 5:44 pm

@Stardust
many peoples experience of Death vary, and as such this is why we cannot state what lies after, because it is not fact, since even our collective experiences does not match up, to form anything close to what scientists “need” in order to call call fact.
You experience sounds nice, and you might even be right, it might not have been the brain induced delirium euphoria of synapses going haywire in any form, it might just be what there actually is, but experiences vary, thus we do not know

What I do believe, firmly is that death is not “bad”, not to say that it is good, but it could never be bad, in the sense of a type of Hell
When I committed the mortal “sin” and took my life, I found no one waiting for me, then again I was not looking for anyone or anything,
what I did find, was peace. A peace unlike any other I can’t describe, other than pure nothingness, blackness, un-terrifying, welcoming comforting warm black emptiness. Like the most absolute opposite thing one would imagine a black hole to be. So profoundly peaceful that the negative we on earth seem to normally infer on “dark” “empty” nothingness” “void” seemed to be the polar opposite of any meaning we apply to those terms.
Hearing other accounts, I was not sad there was no one there, not sad that I did not see a light. It was absolutely perfect, utter bliss in its serenity.
Had there been a god in the religious way, with a decree to be upheld, then I violated that, yet was not punished
This is why I conclude that either there is no higher power, or if there is, it is utterly and truly compassionate and forgiving, and will not punish someone even if “seemingly” deserved
punishment is a human concept, and bears no relation in Death, whatever might be there, certainly does not judge from a view created by the human mind, of this I’m sure beyond doubt, or surely I had gone to whatever Hell there had been, and not my “Heaven”

SuchIsLife 12/6/2016 - 3:28 pm

I might have one or two answers for you. I am probably one of those “happy religious people” you mentioned haha. Please understand that I don’t know everything, so it’s entirely possible something I say is wrong.

One thing you said was “I surely was innocent at first, so he’s punishing me for what?”. I think there is this misconception that people are born good. Since birth, everyone is evil and deserves death. That might sound kind of crazy, but the more you think about it, the more you realize how naturally evil humans are. Do you remember the first time you lied, or stole? Did someone have to teach you how to lie or steal? The point I’m trying to make is that you and I deserve this suffering, and far worse. Any joy you have felt in life is simply God’s benevolence.

Of course, you also said that if life was to be so painful you wouldn’t want to live at all. I definitely can relate, I feel that exact way many times in my life. It might be difficult to understand at first, but the answer I found to that is that our lives do not belong to ourselves. Everything belongs to God. We won’t find any happiness in trying to live for ourselves, since that was not the purpose we were created with. If we live to serve God, then we can be happy, since that is the only thing worth doing in life.

These things can seem kind of ridiculous, but truth in life is hard to accept many times. We like to believe whatever it is that is easiest for us, and when we start to think that we could be wrong, it makes us very uncomfortable.

So this all may sound very depressing, but thankfully it’s not all sad. Your life on Earth may never improve sadly, but it will certainly get easier to deal with if you chose to serve God instead of yourself. It’s something I have to remind myself of constantly and I often fail, but thankfully God is willing to forgive us.

Anyway… that is what I have found concerning life thanks to God. Hopefully you can understand it too and maybe even tell someone else.

The Last Snorlax 12/6/2016 - 3:50 pm

this made me vomit in several ways, sorry
also “Since birth, everyone is evil and deserves death”, a flaw in that is death is not a punishment
also, even according to the bible, and Christ, if one chooses to believe that sort of thing, we are NOT born evil.
even for one with faith, and religion, which I will allow you, this is your right, a lot of your words, are leaning to the more “extreme” side of religion, the more brainwashed type,
the same type of rhetoric I hear from people with faith that preach love, kindness, be good to thy neighbour, BUT “if you love god you bash the gays, stone the whores, burn the abortionists and scholars, this you MUST do to serve god, and serving god is all there is in his white english speaking glory”
not saying you actually do fall in that category, but your rhetoric, to me, made it sound like swinging partially in that direction
now I have to go find a bucket and clean this vomit, have a blessed day

SuchIsLife 12/6/2016 - 8:36 pm

I’m sorry if my comment disturbed you. Perhaps I worded some things incorrectly. Allow me to attempt to clarify. Firstly, when I said “We deserve death”, I meant it as the everlasting death, also referred to as hell. You seem to think that Christians do not think that people are born evil. I’m not sure what caused you to believe this, but here are a few verses that speak about that:

“For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).
“For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord” (Romans 6:23).

So just to summarize what those verses said: Everyone has sinned, and the punishment for sin is death (meaning hell in this context), however God has given us a gift of eternal life with him if we accept him.

Wolfenstein626 12/6/2016 - 8:38 pm

Why does it always have to be evil, can’t people just make mistakes?….

The Last Snorlax 12/6/2016 - 9:08 pm

Jesus died for our sins, absolving us, thus we are not born evil, but are still capable of sin
it might have been years since i last studied the bible, but i do clearly recall, Christians with a proper understanding of theology and the bible do not believe we are born evil (not that it couldn’t be argued for, personally I believe humans are more evil than than gluten free wheat bread)
and you didn’t offend me, I just didn’t like the rhetoric, as it reminded me of some of the more… single minded Christians.. again which wasn’t saying you were, the wording just reminded me of such

few things I hate more than people spouting religion, preaching the teachings, then twisting them and turning them to what they clearly are not, like some do with violence, gay bashing, persecution so on, which having studied them all, none of the religions condone
a single passage or phrase does not outweigh the remaining 500 pages or single commands/laws/decrees that should not be possible to be misinterpreted
yet some of these neighbour loving, god fearing, religious “betters” think they can.

anyways. if one does believe in god, in all his mercy, there is no reason to think could would not be compassionate and understanding enough to forgive once actions
god might not let you in “heaven” but it does not mean he will condemn you to hell (which was invented much later btw), part of the reason I don’t believe it exists, just another form of control and “punishment” invented by humans, namely Catholics
God might not let you sit at his side, or at his table, but unless you were truly evil (of which suicide or despair is not), there is no way he would ever condemn a soul to hell
being all merciful, understanding, compassionate and forgiving
so even if one believes in god, one shouldn’t “fear” hell, but just strive for heaven. being good is what it is all about, faith, religion or not, good is all that matters
if god judged me the same way i judged myself, if suicide is truly a mortal sin god can not forgive, then god would not have showed me the paradise i experienced when i died.
i do not fear hell, I would never, one shouldn’t, even if believing in god
because I dont have faith I would welcome hell with open arms, because it means god exists and thus heaven is real for others to enter, even if i could not.

an_old_child 12/7/2016 - 9:23 am

I know that all of us might have been sinister since the day we were born, but when I said “I surely was innocent at first” I didn’t mean “I surely was innocent the day I was born to this life”. I guess we both agree that there is a “at first”( not necessarily the first day we were born here.) when god has just created me, how can I be sinister? and if god knew I am a bad person, why did he create me at the first place?
“our lives do not belong to ourselves. ” you said. if that’s true, then why am I suffering for something that has nothing to do with me? if everything’s god’s; why did he give me feelings to feel it? I didn’t hurt him at all (as I said earlier, I was surely innocent AT FIRST) and yet he keeps hurting me. who’s the sinister now?
“We like to believe whatever it is that is easiest for us” do you really think I believe in god but I hate him to make things easier? I would devote my life to god if I was convinced he deserves it. but as I said, god has wronged me and I wouldn’t devote myself to someone who hurts me and doesn’t tell me why.
what you said just doesn’t make sense to me. how can you convince yourself with it? how can you believe that someone who was just created is a sinner, while they didn’t have any chance to be anything?

Stardust 12/6/2016 - 6:48 pm

@The Last Snorflax

Enjoyed your reply and agree it is serene. When you hovered IN SPACE , nurturing feelings abound and fear doesn’t exist within this plane of existence and yes you DO exist yet not in physical form though the experience simulates the physical being while being in a supernatural state . Your body remained on earth to which you returned to therefore you didn’t quite fulfill the journey to completion.
You mentioned “Mortal Sin ” to take one’s life yet mention the decree of punishment for doing so if there is a God , you didn’t complete the journey to find out . I do agree on the compassion angle and also punishment is a human concept . Not sure about taking another person’s life in that scenario , I think that may be a bridge too far .
Happy you experienced this blissful state and it does change your perspective on earth , to which I call earth a cold hard prison and I’m waiting patiently when the time is right to break out .

SuchIsLife 12/6/2016 - 10:08 pm

Firstly, let me thank you for taking the time to read what I said, and responding. Most people are rather dismissive when I say things like “Humans are naturally evil”.

However, I still hold my belief that people who sin are condemned to hell. There is not simply one passage that states that sin leads to death. It is stated throughout the entire bible. I can think of a few more examples:

“The soul that sinneth , it shall die” (Ezekiel 18:20).
“Then when lust has conceived, it brings forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, brings forth death.” (James 1:15).

I’m sure there are many other verses saying the same thing. Something that must be remembered when speaking of God is that, he is benevolent (“God is love” 1 John 4:8), and he is also just (“God is light” 1 John 1:5). So although he “is not willing that any should perish”, he cannot have sin in his presence. We may think something as little as telling a lie or something “small” like that may not be evil, but all sin is equal in the eyes of God. The verse does not say “The wages of some sin is death”, it says “The wages of sin is death”.

I do agree with what you said about how our fear of hell should not be the motivation for our actions. Christians serve God because we want to serve him, not because we fear hell. Of course, that is not to say it is wrong to fear hell. If one fears hell, they do so rightly: since hell is a place of unimaginable torment.

“I do not fear hell, I would never, one shouldn’t, even if believing in god
because I don’t have faith I would welcome hell with open arms, because it means god exists and thus heaven is real for others to enter, even if i could not.”

I’m glad there are those who are as kind as you putting others before themselves, however I don’t think you’re considering the situation. You can save yourself and others at the same time, you just have to accept God. If you do accept God, then you can tell others of him, and in the end more people will be saved if you are saved.

I would once again like to mention that I obviously can not know everything, so if I say something incorrect, please correct me. If I find error in what I have said, I will take correction.

SuchIsLife 12/6/2016 - 10:11 pm

My apologies, this was meant to be commented on The Last Snorlax’s comment.

The Last Snorlax 12/6/2016 - 10:43 pm

death, not hell, biiig difference, Hell was “invented” much much later after Christ
and while it’s been to long for me to recite direct passages or even be 100% certain Im not mixing the Torah or Quran in to it, I’m pretty sure i remember bible passages speaking to more than just the “angry dad”, especially jesus talking about forgiveness, which applies to sins too
people tend to focus on single passages, which can be bad, like I said, there is alot more pages, and sometimes it’s easy to pick out a snippet that seem to fit a given purpose at the given time
God can be an angry father no doubt, but also holds compassion unmatched by any
it might have been nearly a decade, but I distinctively remember a lot of “sunshiny” goodness stuff in the bible in the jesus section
just don’t forget, the Roman Catholic church directly invented a lot of stuff and concepts, this is historic fact,
heck, you could even directly bribe your way into heaven at a time, all kosher in the eyes of god if believing those christians at that time 😉

I do feel the theology debate is taking on tho, so lets agree to respect each others perception, and agree on certain areas and disagree on others
“Let god sort out the rest” so to speak

Wolfenstein626 12/6/2016 - 10:47 pm

Here is my understanding of the idea of accepting god to be saved. I believe that within me there is a real part of me. Within everyone there is a light. That light being their true self. Being the good part in each of us, the real part in each of us. Spirituality being the process of discovering that part, and connecting with others. Some call it god, some call it Tao, some call it whatever they call it. I believe that connecting with that essence will save your life, but that it is blocked out in so many ways, repressed and denied. To me connecting with “god” is connecting with my self, nature, and others. Finding a peace within me in a violent world. I do not believe that everyone is inherently evil. I have always respected the Native American beliefs about the great spirit and how everything is connected. The world has enough suffering and pain as it is without people needing to believe that god will torture them eternally. I have no fear of hell or death and I have made my peace with what I believe. The idea of god should be a source of healing and inspiration, not a source of fear.

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