losing them

I have lost multiple people in my life. Many, many people. It hurts, I thought they would live forever, they would never leave me, but no they didn’t, people never do. It’s all my fault, all mine, they left this world, and I probably caused it… I was young, so little, my adoptive mother/great great grandmother loved me, hated me, protected me,exposed me, hid me, hurt me, but she kept me alive, she died when I was around seven. All I remember is her in the hospital bed with pictures of us taped to the many wires which were connected to her. She died, with me as a reminder of life. sigh. I was only left with her husband, a drunk, a pedophile, an abuser, an angry jerk. I was with him for three years, rarely ate, rarely slept, rarely did much, don’t remember much, and maybe that’s a good thing. He died when I was nine. But when he was in the hospital and we visited him he was so beautiful, it looked as if he was going to live, like he was an angel, but no, he died the next day. All I remember is how much I depended on him, how much I loved him, but why? I still question this to this day, at age 15. I just don’t remember enough from my childhood. I now show the effects of my childhood, with droopy eyes, dark circles that never fade, unknown scars that will never disappear. My weight is very small for my age and height, I have at least gained some weight however. I used to look like a skeleton and not a pretty one either. I never bathed when I was little for I had no idea how to. I don’t remember much, and it is as if the only things I remember come in flashes when something happens that sparks that memory. When I remember these things things my heart drops, and I freak out, I escape from any public situation and cry, cry, cry. I wish they didn’t die, but I’m glad they didn’t live. I don’t know what to think of it, and personally, I care way too much, but I guess not enough. Sigh, well that’s all.