i have most of the things i need to kill myself by the end of the month. ready to leave this stupid world. peace 😉
My depression really does a number on me. When I get hit hard, I lose control and I am unable to keep from harming myself. My meds don’t really help anymore. They just allow me to be functional; besides that, they don’t do anything to stop the constant thoughts of suicide I struggle to silence.
There is one person though who I was fortunate to meet right before I executed my plan to step off this world. His radiant light, his patience, his love and care have kept me moving forward. I have been fortunate to help him reach higher levels of happiness and it is […]
I always felt like suicide is what I’m feeling in the air tonight. That’s what I feel like Phil Collin’s song is about. Waiting for this moment all my life , death
What are some of your daily struggles?
I wish people were more alive, I wish I had energetic, happy people in my life and never boring moments. What do you think?
Have you ever flown with an airplane?
I hate that I want to do this again :/
But I probably am going to get back into the swing of self harm I have been mostly free from this for almost 2 years. I mean I haven’t gone more than a year without slipping, nor even come close. This year I tried lying to myself and pretend that the last time I cut was last December and I was close to a year, but I couldn’t even make it past this December, digging into my arms a few days before this year started. Honestly though my skin was licked by a blade before that […]
i want my pain to go away.. but i cant.. i dont want to hurt them
The ant
(a talentless short story inspired by Franz Kafka’s works)
The whole ant colony was happy. A new ant, a new worker, has risen out of its larva and they’ve given it a name: T.
Ant T was growing up, learning how to search for food, how to carry seeds, how to dig, how to be protected from the rain, how to live like an ant. Everyday it was doing what other ants were doing. All the ants seemed happy, but ant T wasn’t happy at all. It was spending more and more time in its small cavity. It didn’t care at all […]
4 years ago on this day, I was admitted into the hospital for the downward spiral my mental health was rapidly taking.
I’m not necessarily celebrating the fact I was hospitalized, but acknowledging the moment it was that I began my painful journey forward.
While I’m still not “healed”, “saved”, or “functioning”…. I’m better than I used to be. Thoughts of death still linger, my “plan” is still there, should I find myself too deep in darkness. Yet, here I am still.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, it’s possible to drag your tired body along the jagged rocks in the road of recovery. You will […]
Yesterday my case manager came to my house and he left me thinking. These aren’t his exact words but this is what he said.
“You are not in school, there is no reason, no damn excuse your mom should have to come home to a dirty house! You should walk your dog everyday! You should walk up the street to the library every day! All you do is sit the house and do nothing!”
Any of it didn’t offend me(in a way)because I respect him for letting me know what I’m doing wrong. He doesn’t mean it to hurt my feelings although it came out angry. But […]
TW TW TW:
it finally happened
i relapsed.
after almost a year of not laying a razor to my skin, like clockwork, tonight I did.
i knew i wanted to, so after work, I went to the bar instead of going home right away. I thought that maybe I would be deterred from these urges.
i was not.
instead I drank three whiskeys and then, instead of calling a cab or hopping on the subway, I started walking. mind you it’s a two hour walk home, with two inches of snow already on the ground, and more plummeting from the sky.
my phone died 10 minutes into my venture home. luckily i […]
I originally wrote a rambling post about me and my God, and my prayers to Him, and the new method I have stashed under my bed. But then I erased it all.
Have a song instead.
4 years later since writing my first post on here, and am still feeling the same way. Nothing has changed. I still feel worthless, depressed, unappreciated for all the hard work that i do at my job and just in general. I feel like no one cares about me, and whats the point of being here anymore? Why even bother? It is one of the worst feelings in the world to feel worthless, like people could care less about what happens to you until its too late. This was just a quick update and vent.
This is a deep song about racism but there’s both perspectives. Both sides makes a lot of sense. I’m not racist, but neither am I pro-black. I am black but my dads biracial which means I had a white grandma, but sadly she passes away back in 2009 I believe(my mom didn’t take me to her funeral because she didn’t like my dad). My white relatives live way out in the suburbs of Ohio, and when I tell you they are racist believe me! My mom told me stories that my dad told her.
My white grandma was attracted to black men but her parents didn’t […]
Somethings is wrong with me if I could not feel loved or compassion from one other? I have friends and family that loves me and care for me but it didn’t touch me or anything? I don’t appreciate them enough or something?
I was thinking… Am I selfish? That other’s love is not enough? I don’t appreciate them? I have to take littles goods thing whatever I can from them even though it is not all rainbow and unicorns… Life is not fair. So I guess I am selfish for want more and said that is not enough to make myself feel better. It feel like it […]
I found out today that I contracted HSV-2 Herpes. I got it from my boyfriend who is an asymptomatic carrier (he did not know he had it). I know that this virus is manageable, but I feel so dirty, embarrassed, and feel so ashamed. I really want to curl up into a ball and just die.