February 2018

I want the knife to go across my neck

I want my brain to be shattered behind me with a bang

I want the water shallow me whole

I want someone to beat me senseless

I want to wonder aimless off the road

I want my breathe taken away from me.

Just make it go away.

Be gone

Be away

Be nothing more.

Why can’t I just drop dead? Why not? Please just let me.

I don’t want to be strong anymore.

Because it means loneliness.

Loneliness do not kill, but a curse from a beating heart

That do not know when to quit.

I want it to stop. I want the loneliness to stop. If I made a new […]

Today, I just happen to saw the post where she called me ex friend. About time. Oh well. 5 years… I hope it means something at least.

I went to the pond at the park. I have half of mind to just drive myself into the water. Or just bring a gun to my head. But I didn’t do those thing. I didn’t think about it just because I am hurt. Not it is not that reason. I was very disappointed. it was the longest friendship I had and it didn’t works out. I see that she allow her anxiety and pull the negative things and […]

My sister’s birthday is on Monday and she came home this weekend to celebrate which of course brought all sorts of drama.

Thursday: I texted my sister to find out her plans – no response.

Friday: My sister invited our mother to her friend’s house for pizza and cake, but mom didn’t want to go – allegedly because I wasn’t invited. Sister went to her friend’s house. Mom went for coffee with her friend. I stayed home alone (which was fine with me). Sister “noticed” my text from previous day and texted me to ask if I wanted to go for supper. I told her that Mom […]

I guess I joined this. Huh. Have fun, I guess.

Don’t really enjoy living, so if anyone wants to talk to me, go right on ahead, I guess. Not sure if I’m using this site for its intended purpose, but whatever.

I want to fucking die. Life sucks, and it’s super boring. Why am I in college because I don’t even know what I’m doing and why I’m here. Everyone just cares about themselves and no one else because people are innately selfish. All I want to do every day is sleep all day, and I’m getting sick of it. I need to escape this repetitive, boring life. We are all dying anyway so why not speed it up. I would kill myself but it’s too scary and hard, plus I love my mom and wouldn’t want to make her upset. This means, however, that I […]

Machines judge. They don’t love. They are a computer coded with millions of perfection standars that a human heart couldn’t meet. So machines live by constant dysphoria , cynicism, misogyny and the perfect dream. Of the perfect creation that will redeem them . A fiery model that exhilarates them – most of all because they’re plastic mannequin looking. She would be so sure of herself because her lips are worth the kiss prince gave to Snow White , her hair is chinese silk, her posture is graceful and her caracter resembles a french femme fatale. Does love exist? Or people have just turned their hearts […]

So I haven’t posted in a while. My life started getting a little better, but now it’s just going down hill again and it really sucks. I am proud of myself, I don’t think about killing myself or hurting myself much anymore.

Ugh and I need to learn that I don’t need a boy to make me happy. But when a boy does come into my life he is usually what gets me out of my “suicide” phase I guess.

Most people who are not depressed or suffering a mental illness simply feel like commiting suicide because of incidents or because life is miserable for a while. Or because life hurt them and they can’t or don’t want to move on in other words.

My story isn’t like that. All that is just icing on the cake for me. that kind of thing has happened to me but it was the last straw that made me stop trying not the overall cause. I’m sitting here on the roof of a four story building thinking of jumping for the record. To begin with I stayed […]

I started out in life with an addiction to electronics. From well before I New better. And therefore didn’t get a lot of social interaction. I also didn’t interact with family much. So long story short I wound up with a lack of experience couple with people reacting negatively to me. For far too long I stayed innocent clinging to it in the end feeling like letting go of it would be unbearable. Clung to silk imagination fantasy and refusal to accept and deal with reality. I was separated from all I knew due to acting out in frustration by prison. I wasn’t a murderer […]

Whew… I made some difficult process recently..

Sigh.. I hate to admit this but I have been sort of stalking my ex-best friend for awhile. I am not proud of it. I recently completely stops. I don’t check on her for about a week now. It is nice…it feel less weight on me. I used to check on her social media few time everyday while I am process to heal myself at same time. Stupid idea. It slow me down. I told myself that I am just worry about her well being. But it is not really 100% true. I was hoping I would see any […]

Other people and their expectations ruin my day. I want to be surrounded by those with zero expectations of me. I am a flight not fight person. In any conflict or confrontation I immediately want to get away from the individual who is the source of the conflict. Getting away and being alone immediately makes me feel better. I think I am meant to be a loner.

PS: IF THIS IS GROSS, TRIGGERING OR UPSETTING I AM SORRY (READ AT YOUR OWN RISK)

I read the comments to the last post I wrote. Leaving him would be nice, I get all wrapped up in my head and then I somehow eventually tell myself this is good for me. I am seeing a trauma therapist, working through my sexual assault and such. She noticed that I have put my work on that aside because all I do is talk about the toxic relationship I currently am in, she gave me some ideas on how to separate my self  from him and to make things […]

Would anyone like to talk?

“What are you doing?” they ask. I’m dying. Why is that so hard to understand?

I don’t want to be dying. It’s not like this is fun. Feeling like dying isn’t normal. It’s not enjoyable. It’s not something I want to do. It just feels like I’m out of options.

In some ways, I’m actually very happy the people around me don’t understand my feelings. I mean, maybe they would if I told them how I felt, but I don’t really want to find out.

The beauty of anonymity, in terms of depression, is that you don’t know who it is that feels this way. You know how […]