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Another day has passed…

by Taf Taf

I woke up this morning,went to the kitchen and made a coffee.I sat in front of my pc and I started watching videos on youtube,smoking and trying to kill time.Most of the time I wasn’t paying any attention to these videos.I was thinking.Thinking about my life and the world.

I spent most of my life in this empty house (I’ve been living here since I left my parents’ house when I was 20 years old).Alone.I haven’t got any purpose or any goals to reach.I’ve saved some money,so I don’t have to work for now.But I know that I’ll have to find a job.Working is a nightmare.I don’t see any point in any job.Most of the jobs I’ve worked didn’t mean anything to me.I couldn’t stand them and I couldn’t stand my co-workers.Usually I was silent,I never started a conversation with them.I knew (and I know) that I didn’t (and I don’t) fit in.I didn’t care about their interests or their problems.I quited most of these jobs.

I thought to call some friends and go out,but I didn’t.If I go out with them I’ll have to pretend that everything’s fine.I’ll have to force myself to be social and I can’t do that.If I tell them about my problems,they’ll tell me to go to a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist.I’ve talked to two of them about my situation and they gave me this exact advice: go to a therapist.The problem is that I don’t believe in psychology.It’s not because I’m a religious person,in fact I don’t believe in any god.I don’t believe in psychology or psychiatry because I think it’s a scum.They drug you and they brainwash you to be social,to be like you ”ought” to be.The try to make you construct a false reality,a lie,and to live inside it as ”normal” people do.

The problem,as I see it,isn’t the fact that I don’t have a good job,or that I don’t want to be social.The problem is that I live.Life itself is the problem.Life with its pain,its deceases,its misery and the upcoming death.This life which is never static and always changing.The moments pass with no purpose,with no value at all.Nothing matters.Happiness is just an idea,a myth.Happy are the people that don’t want to see the emptiness of life.Life itself is empty and we try in vain to fill it.Existence itself is tragic.

I know that these thoughts are the cause of my depression and the pain I feel.I have headaches and body pains.Sometimes I have panic attacks and a lot of times I cry.I am an extreme pessimist and I know it.That’s why I never did and I’ll never do anything in my life.But what can I do?That’s the way I think and I can’t change it.There were times that I tried to be like the others,to be social,to be friendly.But either I couldn’t do it or I failed completely.How can I be social when I can’t even be with myself?That’s why I tried to kill myself.Twice.And I failed.There’s nothing worse than the way you feel if you know that you can’t kill yourself.

When I get bored, I try to find something to do.I try to read a book,listen to music or watch a movie,but in the end I give up.I can’t find anything appealing.When I get extremely bored,I take my car and I go to remote places,standing there alone thinking about how worthless my life is.Once, I went up to a mountain near the town where I live and I came up to a stray dog.It came close to me,waving its tail.I started crying.I knew that this dog was happier than me.I knew that this dog had a better life than me.I envy it.I wish I was a stray dog,wandering around with no worries.

I know that there are people with bigger problems and they try hard to continue their lives.They have this strength,this will to live and,I have to admit it,I admire them.But I can’t be this way.I’m weak.I’ve always been weak.Only the strong survive.Strong not in a physical way,but in a mental one.The true survivors are those that can think in a way that keeps them living.I can’t do that.

Nothing will change for me,things will never get better.I’ll have to accept the fact that I’ll live in this kind of hell until the day I die.I’ll be struggling with my problems,hoping to find the strength to kill myself.I’ll have to accept the fact that I don’t belong anywhere and I can’t even stand myself.I’ll have to accept that I can’t escape this reality and I can’t escape myself.

So here I am now,still in front of my pc,with nowhere to go and nothing to do,just waiting to die…

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15 comments

Once 2/10/2018 - 10:36 pm

Read your post, Taf Taf. Very relatable. Wish I had something profound to say, but you know. Hang in there.

Taf Taf 2/11/2018 - 4:41 am

Thank you.

amin 2/11/2018 - 8:02 am

i love love love your post. you were able to capture things that i wish i could say. i feel the way you do in many ways but i wouldn’t have been able to say everything that you did.

the dog story is hilarious. kind of reminds me of this girl who works close to where i do. she speaks spanish and for that and other reasons i just don’t see anything happening between us. i feel like it’s similar to the dog story because there’s something (or someone) that you want that’s staring you in the face but that’s all it is. just one of life’s many teases.

i think your post is beautiful though. i went to sleep reading half of it. i had a dream about that girl in which i told her that i gave her some kind of explanation. and then i woke up and read the rest of your post.

there’s something uplifting about belonging. and your post makes me feel like i belong. i am Taf Taf. and i love your screen name.

thank you.

Taf Taf 2/11/2018 - 8:45 am

Thanks.

Cause of Death: Suicide 2/11/2018 - 1:47 pm

Yeah the truth is everyone is happier then you
You ever think when you go off to these remote places to leave and not come back?
Sounds like the “two people you have” aren’t any help.. at all..

I agree with you though but I try my hardest til the day I can leave and not come back

Taf Taf 2/11/2018 - 2:04 pm

To leave and go where?And try for what?Does it matter anyway?I went to many places and tried many things.I tried to change my life with no results.As I wrote,now I’m just waiting to die.

Cause of Death: Suicide 2/11/2018 - 7:21 pm

Idk that’s just my fantasy I’ve been unhappy where I am for my entire life and have always wanted to pick up and leave states with nothing but myself and my ride

I’m just thinking doesn’t seem like you have much going for you where you are why not go somewhere where a brighter future may lie

I’m pretty happy on the road so I see my future on the road

My license “priveledge” was taken away last year and a half
I’ve been screwed
I hate everyone in my state and I have no friends, no family
And have been trying to disown myself from my surname and relatives for the last three years
But… I dodged a bullet (unwantingly) was in a piss poor situation before and with the cops it has become even worse.
My life could never get better but I have been trying to kill myself for 11 years
When I said I dodged a bullet I was finally about to make my one true dream come true with my shotgun I spent every penny I had on around 450$
Was going to take a nap and then shoot myself in the brain through the mouth the next evening
Woke up to police where they took my weapon and my money……so that has been 2 years and I am now held even more hostage than I have been my entire life.

Things I would consider doing instead of taking my own life which I have been striving for for 6 years
Would be disappear out of states with nothing but myself and build a home in the forest where I can live in peace (but that dream is even looking bleak at this point)

Instead ya know, I am brought with 2 DUIs (wasn’t driving and only had two beers three hours prior) and about 35 molestations against me (mostly while I’m asleep) I was actually raped as a 21 year old virgin female at a mental health unit while drugged on ambien so I couldn’t wake up to see who it was (but as it happened my head in my sleep said “John”) There was a “John” working there but I think it was a coworker and he was just on my mind because he talked god dam loud when he worked in the mornings. So it’s still a mystery to me but freaks me out why anyone would do that to me…..

Taf Taf 2/11/2018 - 7:55 pm

I have to be honest with you Cause of Death: Suicide : at first I thought you were trolling me,and yes,I know that’s a stupid thing that I thought.I didn’t know you had such a long history…I’m sorry,I really am.And I thank you for trying to help.I feel so bad right now…I see that you want to go away for a long time,but can’t you just take a bus and go somewhere else for some days,just get away from your state just for some time? (I don’t know how things work in the US,here in Europe you can go with a bus practically everywhere-also you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to)

Cause of Death: Suicide 2/11/2018 - 8:04 pm

Yes I have a very long and complete plan to leave but I have been tied down by other ties. Yes I was trying to help but seeing as you seem ok in your living situation maybe I didn’t get that out of your post as I should have.
I have a very big debt to pay and no way to pay it I was already in debt hence why I haven’t left but the fines keep stacking up and I can’t leave

Taf Taf 2/11/2018 - 8:10 pm

I don’t know what to say.I feel so bad right now.I’m very sorry.Can’t you borrow money from someone and give it back to them when you leave?

Koalaedi 2/11/2018 - 3:09 pm

I like your post very much indeed. I am in a same situation. Now I stay at home all the day (or almost). I don’t go to work. I don’t contact with people. I don’t like going to work. People think that I am lazy but it’s not simple so. I have enough money to live for 4 years more. My boyfriend died, I used to be so happy with him. He is enough for me. But now… I live alone. Everyday I wake up alone, eat alone, read books, take care of our flowers. I know that I am waiting to die… So I understand you.. I read your comments at the others’ posts and I think that you are a nice people. Don’t know what is wrong with us

Taf Taf 2/11/2018 - 5:47 pm

I’m very sorry about your boyfriend.I hope you do whatever you want to do in your life,I really do.And I don’t know what is wrong with us and people like us…Maybe we’re not cynical enough for this world…

Eddy Luci 5/20/2018 - 11:31 am

Hey man , your post touched my heart and the part that touched my heart most is the part where you said”There’s nothing worse than the way you feel if you know that you can’t kill yourself.”
You said you already tried twice to kill yourself what method have you tried?

A brief story about myself and why I have been trying hard to kill myself.
I used to happy with two children until 2010 when I found things twitching in my body, I thought there were just twitches so I left it there but I notice as the years goes by they are spreading to my all parts of my body, I went to the hospital because they couldn’t find anything in my blood they referred me to psychiatric ward, the twitches are like worm like twitches, and it has taken over my entire face eyes lips nose ears you name it.The psychiatric won’t believe that this is not a mental thing, its real and I can feel them spreading all over my body.OK that’s one part done, the other part is 2014 I started getting electric shock In my teeth and strange smells following me, sometimes good smells but most times bad smells and these bad smells are very embarassing in public, they come and disappear sometimes for five minutes sometimes a hour, my whole life is miserable, people making comments like take a shower or what’s that smell from hell itself, believe am one of the cleanest person you ever meet but this mystery has put my reputation down very down,Can’t go out with friends cos of the smells so I have been lonely.What am trying to tell u is, you have to be happy you are complete bro cos you dont wanna be in my position its terrible, I’ll write more when I see your reply cos I really want to relate with u, don’t forget to tell me what ways you tried killing yourself and why they didn’t work for u cos am contemplating the method to end it myself, I am living a life worst than hell itself but sometimes I find myself smiling

Taf Taf 7/23/2018 - 6:44 am

I just saw your comment.I usually don’t check my old posts,but I today I did. And I don’t know if you’ll see my response.Anyway…

Have you gone to another doctor to examine you? I mean like an internist or something like that. This thing that you have is probably psychological,but you don’t have anything to lose if you go to be examined by a different doctor than a psychiatrist…

About my method: I tried hanging myself. Both times I went up to a mountain near my house. The first time I prepared the noose and I tried to put my head on it several times,but I just couldn’t do it,so I gave up and I returned home disappointed,angry with myself and frustrated. The second time I put the noose around my neck. I was standing on a rock and I had tied the noose on a tree. Once more I couldn’t do it,so I again returned home very disappointed… The thing that I remember the most from these experiences (apart from crying while trying to kill myself) is the cold. Both times I attempted suicide during the winter. I also tried (in a way) many more times and I’ve made many many plans about it. For example, I once took my car and drove to a very dangerous road. I was planning to fall off a cliff with my car,but again I couldn’t do it…

Eddy Luci 8/13/2018 - 6:27 am

Hey man you should be happy you are complete and enjoy life, you are lucky you still have friends. I don’t have any friends due to isolation, no where to go just a very boring life, anyways, I will say a prayer for u take care and I hope u see this.Take care for now

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