I woke up this morning,went to the kitchen and made a coffee.I sat in front of my pc and I started watching videos on youtube,smoking and trying to kill time.Most of the time I wasn’t paying any attention to these videos.I was thinking.Thinking about my life and the world.
I spent most of my life in this empty house (I’ve been living here since I left my parents’ house when I was 20 years old).Alone.I haven’t got any purpose or any goals to reach.I’ve saved some money,so I don’t have to work for now.But I know that I’ll have to find a job.Working is a nightmare.I don’t see any point in any job.Most of the jobs I’ve worked didn’t mean anything to me.I couldn’t stand them and I couldn’t stand my co-workers.Usually I was silent,I never started a conversation with them.I knew (and I know) that I didn’t (and I don’t) fit in.I didn’t care about their interests or their problems.I quited most of these jobs.
I thought to call some friends and go out,but I didn’t.If I go out with them I’ll have to pretend that everything’s fine.I’ll have to force myself to be social and I can’t do that.If I tell them about my problems,they’ll tell me to go to a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist.I’ve talked to two of them about my situation and they gave me this exact advice: go to a therapist.The problem is that I don’t believe in psychology.It’s not because I’m a religious person,in fact I don’t believe in any god.I don’t believe in psychology or psychiatry because I think it’s a scum.They drug you and they brainwash you to be social,to be like you ”ought” to be.The try to make you construct a false reality,a lie,and to live inside it as ”normal” people do.
The problem,as I see it,isn’t the fact that I don’t have a good job,or that I don’t want to be social.The problem is that I live.Life itself is the problem.Life with its pain,its deceases,its misery and the upcoming death.This life which is never static and always changing.The moments pass with no purpose,with no value at all.Nothing matters.Happiness is just an idea,a myth.Happy are the people that don’t want to see the emptiness of life.Life itself is empty and we try in vain to fill it.Existence itself is tragic.
I know that these thoughts are the cause of my depression and the pain I feel.I have headaches and body pains.Sometimes I have panic attacks and a lot of times I cry.I am an extreme pessimist and I know it.That’s why I never did and I’ll never do anything in my life.But what can I do?That’s the way I think and I can’t change it.There were times that I tried to be like the others,to be social,to be friendly.But either I couldn’t do it or I failed completely.How can I be social when I can’t even be with myself?That’s why I tried to kill myself.Twice.And I failed.There’s nothing worse than the way you feel if you know that you can’t kill yourself.
When I get bored, I try to find something to do.I try to read a book,listen to music or watch a movie,but in the end I give up.I can’t find anything appealing.When I get extremely bored,I take my car and I go to remote places,standing there alone thinking about how worthless my life is.Once, I went up to a mountain near the town where I live and I came up to a stray dog.It came close to me,waving its tail.I started crying.I knew that this dog was happier than me.I knew that this dog had a better life than me.I envy it.I wish I was a stray dog,wandering around with no worries.
I know that there are people with bigger problems and they try hard to continue their lives.They have this strength,this will to live and,I have to admit it,I admire them.But I can’t be this way.I’m weak.I’ve always been weak.Only the strong survive.Strong not in a physical way,but in a mental one.The true survivors are those that can think in a way that keeps them living.I can’t do that.
Nothing will change for me,things will never get better.I’ll have to accept the fact that I’ll live in this kind of hell until the day I die.I’ll be struggling with my problems,hoping to find the strength to kill myself.I’ll have to accept the fact that I don’t belong anywhere and I can’t even stand myself.I’ll have to accept that I can’t escape this reality and I can’t escape myself.
So here I am now,still in front of my pc,with nowhere to go and nothing to do,just waiting to die…