Lately, I’ve been trying to determine if I was born broken or if my life made me this way.
I mean, I can go down the list of my life experiences and lay out a path of the things that seem to have lead up to the way I am now. But, might not a better person, with better DNA or a better soul or whatever you believe to be at the core of us, have reacted differently to the same kind of life. Maybe I’m just not meant to be well, or worthy or happy.
I can’t sleep much at all anymore. My mind just races and races, and I cry, and I can’t breathe.
I Love my parents and I believe that they Loved me. But, my Dad through me out of the house and told me never to come back whenever I’d screwed up and my Mom constantly commented on how evil men are. (I’m male.) I’ve never been successful in relationships because I don’t feel like I’m good enough for anyone. It’s not worth trying with me, it’s better just to throw me out because I’m no good.
My first girlfriend made fun of me all the time. She acted like it was just playful teasing, but it hurt and it never stopped. I’m starved for self-validation and reassurance. I’m fat. I’m sick. I’m disabled and can’t work. I’m living on SSI and in all likelihood I’m going to die, because I can’t afford treatment and Medicaid keeps turning me down.
I’m ugly and stupid and I don’t have anything to offer anyone.
I have people around me who tell me that I shouldn’t give up, but no one can really tell me why. They can’t point to a single reason or  tell me what the point of sticking around and fighting back would be. These friends of mine are attractive, intelligent and talented. They have people in their lives. They get to have sex. They get to go out and have fun and not be laughed at. They don’t actually understand the terrible, painful ordeal that my life is. They don’t grasp the idea that there’s nothing good waiting at the finish-line of fixing my problems. I’ll still be me, and “me” isn’t something that’s sufficient, in my case.
I want to die, but I’m afraid because I don’t know if what I’m feeling is right. I’m always wrong about everything, so I’m probably wrong about this too. I just know that nothing ever works out for me and that anything I try at, I fail at.
I don’t know what to do.
11 comments
Your afraid, cause deep down you really don’t want to die, please email me and we can talk about it if you want. :3 i promise i don’t judge and i’m always here
http://suicideproject.org/2012/07/so-you-want-to-die-think-theres-no-hope-and-you-have-nothing-to-live-for-read-this-email-me-if-you-think-differently-or-just-talk-to-me-because-i-care-wether-you-believe-it-or-not/
Your not ugly, your beautiful and sometimes it takes a special person to show you, so when you look in the mirror you see something wonderful (:
But, I *am* ugly. People laugh at me, or scoff or just look disgusted whenever I go out in public. I have nothing to offer a woman. I’m not invited to the dating pool. I’m not “suitable.”
I don’t want to be me anymore. I don’t want the life I have. I want a fun life. I want to be someone that women want and fantasize about. But, I never will be. I didn’t luck into good genes. People have suggested that I change my life, but I can’t. I’ll always be me. Nothing ever changes unless it’s getting worse. I’m tired of watching everything in my life slide further and further down, knowing there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I hate everyone around me for their lives and their happiness and their success.
I’m so tired of feeling this way.
I have no idea if your EXTERIOR is ugly or not. Clearly you are at that awful age where you still think that matters.
Lets put aside your depression right now. Push it off for a moment and THINK with me. If you were “normal” and not ready to throw in the towel. If you were one of lifes beautiful people – do you not think TIME would eventually make you old too?? Dont you think age would steal your beauty??? How many times did you gawk at some 50yo??? NEVER.
LIFE eventually steals exterior beauty is my point. SO, if the exterior does not really matter……. Then what does matter???
PUSH yourself. You didnt quit because you do see something inside of you worthwhile. I hope you choose to keep the gift that God gave you. Life.
Ya – it CAN suck at times. But it is not always crappy. Hang in there dude. People DO care. I know this and you SHOULD know this – cuz even strangers are writing you trying to help.
People DO care.
Hi Aberration. Gosh. Your post strangely resonates for me because I recently felt some of what you are going through. I felt I had nothing to offer. I was annoyed with other people for being happy, normal, energetic and having lives. I felt like an outcast Aberration.
But dear Aberration (which you are NOT), I realised with a flash of insight yesterday that no one human being is intrinsically worth more than another. That’s a fundamental belief which just might change my life even if it’s ‘like duh’ to others.
What I’m trying to say is that while it’s natural to compare what others have with what you have…they’re more attractive, more intelligent let’s say, there is no real comparison when it comes to the fundamental worth of a human being.
You are important Aberration! (I’ve said this before but unapologetically because I mean it!)
You are part of the grand master plan. There is purpose to your life, it’s just your job to find it and there is plentiful help available out there to do your detective work and just find that purpose!
I haven’t expressed much sympathy for your pain but I do feel empathy for you and as I said can relate to much of what you say. That’s one of the key things you need to know about humans. We’re all more alike than we are different. Sympathy might temporarily ease your pain a little but it doesn’t really take you anywhere. You need a helper who can guide you toward finding those all-important things to do which you will love.
You admitted to having friends who are attractive and intelligent. Why would they have chosen to be your friend without seeing you as worthy and a good person? Then there’s the animal kingdom to consider. Might you find a bit of happiness from keeping a pet or having access to someone else’s animal?
Sorry if this all misses the mark A, but I just want to let you know that I do care and want you to stay alive. And I’m quite happy to agree with you that life can suck in a major way at times. Hugs. Zoe
It’s a bad situation
@lifeblows: “LIFE eventually steals exterior beauty is my point.”
But, I never got to be young and attractive. I’ve been ugly and unsuitable my whole life. I’ve always been sitting on the sidelines, watching from afar, because I didn’t meet the entry requirements for dating and relationships. I didn’t quit because I’m afraid to die, not because I see something worthwhile in myself. I didn’t want to hurt my family or leave my cat. Now, my youth is ending and I never got to enjoy it. Even if I manage to miraculously get treatment for the condition that’s currently killing me, what good does it do if I’ve lost too much time and haven’t had the growth in relationships and understanding that one would accumulate by having been a normal person who can live their lives this whole time? I’ll still be broken. All that will change if I’m cured is that I’ll have longer to suffer my worthlessness until I finally die.
@louise50: There may not be a comparison to the fundamental worth of a human being, but there is definitely a comparison as to the quality of life one experiences and how one is subsequently treated as a result of their external conditions. Attractive people get hired and promoted. Attractive people get flirted with and approached and into relationships. Worthless people, like me, don’t get any of those things. We get to watch others have the things and the people and the lives that we would like to have, just as I might watch a bird flying and wish I could do it. I’m no closer to actually having the life I want to live than I am to rising up off the ground and flying. I can’t possibly be what I want to be. Sick or cured. It doesn’t matter. I’m too old to be taken seriously by the women who are young enough to still be single and I’m too young to die, unless my disease kills me. I’m just tired and teeming with frustration at every single aspect of my identity, my mind, my body and every single aspect of my life. The only reason I stay is that I don’t want to hurt the people around me. But, the price for not hurting them is a lifetime of suffering for me. I just want this to end. I don’t want to be me anymore. God made me wrong. He made me broken and worthless. I don’t know why he did, but he did. I hate him for that. I just want this to end. I just want to know why I couldn’t be desirable. I want to know why I couldn’t have a good life.
I just want it to end.
those who were last will be first and those who were first will be last….
i guess great things are waiting for you.
Dear Aberration,
I wish I had something to tell you to make you feel better about your life, but I’m afraid I don’t. I could tell you I know how you feel, but who wants to hear that. I certainly don’t like to hear it from others. I’ll tell you this… I found your post by googling “i can’t decide if I want to live or not”. After I read your post, I was really moved to reach out to you in some way. Sorry it has taken me so long to get the courage.
First, I wish you luck on your health issues. I guess I just want to say that there is another human being out here in the world that cares whether you make it through or not. More importantly, I wanted you to know that I care about the emotional pain you are suffering. My heart literally aches and I feel tears welling up in my eyes as I type this. It hurts me so to think that another human being is apparently suffering even more than I am. Aberration, is there anything I say or do to help ease your suffering?
@akqjnine
I wish there were. I appreciate your commenting. You didn’t have to say anything, but you did. Thank you for that. Thank you to everybody who’s commented. I don’t mean to be so defeatist. But, I feel defeated. I don’t see any answers or solutions that can solve my fundamental problem. I can’t get a life-transplant no matter how hard I try.
There are people and memories from my life that I cherish. I Love my cat. But, I don’t think there are any humans in my life who wouldn’t be better off without me in theirs. I’ve been nothing but a source of embarrassment and disappointment to my family. I wasted years of my ex-wife’s life. I’ve wasted years of my friends’ time. I’m not worth anything and I’m not good for anything. I take up space. I consume resources, and nothing more. But, out of rote response, everyone thinks I should be trying to get treatment for my illness and live. It’s so arbitrary. No one can explain to me *why* I should stay. No one can explain what it is that makes suicide wrong when someone has been nothing but bad and worthless their entire life and they aren’t good to anyone for any purpose.
I’m actually starting to resent the notion sometimes. I don’t resent the people on this web-community who’ve commented, because you don’t actually know me. But, the people who do know me and know who and what they’re talking to,… when they suggest that I shouldn’t kill myself, it’s like they’re suggesting that I should just suffer and suffer and suffer for no reason. It feels hateful, to me. They can’t think of a reason, why I should have to stay and suffer, just that I should.
My wife left me because she couldn’t stand to look at me anymore, couldn’t stand to have such a broken and useless person in her life anymore. It was the right decision for her to leave. I tried. I really did. I Loved her with all my heart and I still do. I didn’t use to talk like this. It was after she cheated on me and left that I realized how worthless and hopeless I am. To be married to such an ugly and useless man must have been really hard, for someone as vital and beautiful as her. I see it. Looking back it’s perfectly clear. She really DID mind what I looked like. She DID mind that I wasn’t good at anything. So she left and there was nothing I could do about it. I fought. I asked her to get counseling. I tried to talk her out of it, I told her that I believed in us and that it wasn’t worth throwing away. But, she left anyway. That stuff I said must not have been true.
My question now and my issue is this; Why do *I* have to stay in this relationship? Why can’t *I* just leave, like everyone else does? Why can’t *I* throw me away? Why can’t *I* throw me out and tell me never to come back?
No one has been able to explain this to me, so I assume that there is no answer.
Hi A, I just found this post by accident but my heart for out to you. If you are still on the site here I hope I can encourage you. First of all, I’m so sorry for how you’ve been treated by people. That is horrible and no one would feel good about themselves after lots of verbal abuse. I don’t know if you have any spiritual beliefs, but can I encourage you to look at God through the way He was portrayed through His own Son, Jesus? He was despised, rejected, a man who knew sorrow, betrayed by a close friend, and not a physically appealing guy. He was also a virgin. God sent Him so God could feel the presence of human pain. He was sent to restore every person to a relationship with Him, by sacrificing His life so He could pay the penalty of every bad thing we do. You see, A, every bad thing we do separates us from God because we are turning from Him in those moments, but if we turn around and realize that we can just be loved children of Him we receive forgiveness, grace, mercy, acceptance. Isn’t that what you are crying for? The coolest part about God and having a relationship with Jesus is that when you think it’s too good to be true, God says He will do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine. He wants Your heart. You will find healing in Him. And you can take comfort in knowing that He understands your pain. Why don’t you go to Him now with what you have and who you are, let Him comfort you, and let Him lead you on the best journey you will ever take? By the way, eternal life is a result! Let old things pass away and new things begin! God makes beauty for ashes. We can’t change ourselves but God can. I will be praying for you, A. On behalf of those who have hurt you, i say i am sorry. I send a warm hug.