one last time

is this site real, its my first time here. today 20 children were murdered in ct, usa. it is very sad to hear this happening. christmas is almost here and i have no money, i have 3 beautiful daughters that i cant afford to feed let alone buy gifts for christmas. i lost my job in november i have terrible credit and im behind on my rent. i have tried so hard to make things good and i always lose everything. im not suicidal but im very ready to go. i have nothing to live for, i look forward to sleep so i can dream. my dreams are always better than the life i live. i am not emo i used to be happy. i live alone i dont have any friends anymore. my parents and siblings dont like me very much. my ex left me and took my children with her, its been 3 years. i dont leave my house, i lie in my bed all day long i live off pasta with no sauce, i am getting weak i have become very depressed. i lost my licence, my kids, their mother, my job, my friends and my family. i wont kill myself but i dont want to live this life anymore. i do hope the world ends soon but i know it wont. i hadnt cried since i was 14, im 30 now. i cried alot lately. i am going nowhere and i have pretty much just given up. ive slept on the streets, in the park, in apartment building laundry rooms. the worst part of my day is waking up, all i want to do is sleep and dream. im done, this christmas is the worst christmas ever. i dont have a tree, lights or any decorations. i used to be the most festive person you would ever meet. when my ex left with my kids everything went downhill. i have ocd, add, anxiety, i stop breathing in my sleep often as if god is making me suffer here. i wish i could buy my girls one last gift, give them one last hug and kiss and say goodbye. i cant even do that, i am truly sad. theres no help because i dont need help, i dont accept help and thats why this is it. i dont think people should ever think of dying or kill themself, i dont believe in suicide. my grandma took her own life and sleeping pills seemed like a silent peaceful way to go. i pray, i read the entire bible, i talk to god when im alone which is always. he doesnt listen, he doesnt care. there is no god anymore. so this is it, nobodys life is as bad and lonely as mine. ive done this for 3 years and now i choose to give up. you all have it better than someone in this world and can do better than you think. i can spell very well and can use good grammar, that doesnt help me in life. i love my children and will always love them, they will always deserve a better father than i am. i just want them to know how much i love them since the day they were born. they deserve a better christmas than i can give them. i love them so much they will be happier without me, i have never hurt them and i never would. i miss them terribly daddy loves you my angels and i will wait for you in heaven, merry christmas 2012.