I’m too scared to kill myself. I’m afraid that I’ll fail, and end up screwed in some way. I don’t have much to live for, with a family that cares to much about the unimportant stuff but doesn’t care about what matters and friends that lie to me and try to make me jealous of them, and social anxiety that’s almost crippling.
My dad left my mom and I when I was 3. She found a guy when I was 8, and at first he wasn’t so bad. Now, he blames me for everything, even stuff I didn’t know about. He forces me to clean everything and he does nothing at all. He barely works, and when he does he spends all of his money on beer and fishing equipment. He’s paid one bill in the last 10 years, and leaves the rest to my mom. She used to be well off but now she’s struggling to pay her bills because my stepdad uses all of her money.
My mom is also extremely homophobic and I’m pansexual. It’s ironic really; I remember her telling me when I was about 10 years old that as long as I don’t grow up to be a “****** lover” (her words exactly), or a “freaky ******” (again, her words.) then she’d love me forever, no matter what. I know I can never tell her, if I want her to stick around. I hate her with a burning passion. Screw unconditional love, I don’t have to love someone who can’t respect me. Even if it is my own mother. Aside from the homophobia, she’s just rude in general. She acts like the world should bow down to her. She’s got the nastiest temper and doesn’t refrain from calling people names. She always calls me a *****, an asshole, etc. for no reason. She never apologizes directly; instead, she buys me a gift if she knows I’m mad at her. She’s never around anymore, either. She works three days a week, as a NICU nurse. She works 12 hour shifts, sometimes even longer. Any day she has off is spent fishing with my stepdad. I feel like she doesn’t care anymore, because she can’t even spend one day with me. If she does, she’ll take me out to eat somewhere and then drop me off at home so she can go fishing.
Then, there’s my best friend. She brags about how many guys she has falling for her. She’s a manipulative ***** in all honesty, yet I still care about her. She dated a friend of mine for two weeks and left him for one of his friends that he introduced her to. When he tries to get over her and find someone else, she gets mad at him and says that he’s not allowed to date anybody, yet she’s been with four different guys since they broke up. And then there’s me, having never dated anyone, nor does anybody even find me decent looking. It’s like a competition with her and I’m always losing. She always goes on and on about how she’s starting to like this guy she met this year, how she gave almost had sex with him, how she was making out with him, etc. Then, we go camping and meet two nice guys, and she’s all over one of them, even though we met them two days ago. I tell her all the time that I dont want to hear about her love life, but she doesn’t listen. That or she wants to make me feel like shit.
I’m nervous around a lot of people. That’s why I do online classes at home. My mom is throwing me into a public high school next year because I’m just a headache to her. I always feel like I’m being judged in public situations, so putting me into a public school will only drive me over the edge that I’m always balancing on. Like I mentioned earlier, my friend and I went camping and met some people. There was four guys, another girl, and my friend and I the entire time. I was so scared to be around them, they were all beautiful people. The kind you’d see in a movie set in a highschool, yeah, they’d be the popular ones. I barely said a word until it was just my friend, two of the guys, and me. It was legitimately embarrassing, cause all I could do was sit there and listen because I was scared I wasn’t enough to fit in with them all.
There’s only two problems holding me back from just ending myself; the chance of failing, and the few people in my life. I don’t like the people I’m surrounded with, yet I still don’t have the guts to leave them because I don’t want to hurt them. I’m just too scared of everything.
2 comments
One of your main problems seems to be that you have shitty parents. At least that’s a problem that will go away, eventually. Not soon enough, I know, but still.
If your best friend is one of the main points you talk about when making a post on a suicide forum, as a reason for your depression….well, that seems like a pretty bad friend. I won’t advise you to stay away from her, as I don’t know you, her, or the situation, but if the one thing you can think to say about your friend is that she is a “manipulative *****”, and you actually have to wonder if her motives behind telling you about her boyfriends (or whatever) are to purposely make you feel like shit, I don’t think that friendship is doing you too much good. Then again, I suppose a fucked up friendship can be preferable to complete loneliness.
Ah, online classes. I always wanted to do that, but it was too expensive. But who knows, maybe public school will be good for you. Maybe you can make some new friends there, preferably ones slightly less bitchy. And yeah, I know the anxiety issues all too well.
It seems to me that most of your problems come from your current living situation, and the people around you. Someday you’ll be able to move on, ditch the bad ones and hopefully keep the good ones close. You have anxiety and self-confidence issues, but these are things that can be worked on. Don’t worry too much that you can’t seem to beat your friend in the smexy contest. Let her have her meaningless relationships. Constantly going through guys like tampons is not exactly what I would call admirable.
Ah, yeah. The reason my friend is a huge part of this is because we’ve known each other for about 8 years, and she’s the only friend I’ve kept for this long. I’ve thought about just ditching her, telling her that she’s too bitchy, and just being done with it. But to be honest, I’d be ruining multiple friendships with people if I did that, and I really still do care for her. She doesn’t always act rude, but when she does, it’s around other people. That’s why I feel like she’s doing it on purpose or something, as if she’s trying to make herself look better.
And personally, I don’t think I’m that terrible looking. I mean, I’m definitely nothing special but I don’t think I’m ugly. But when I go places, I’m usually with the friend I’ve been talking about; concerts, shopping, etc. Around her, I feel like a monster. She’s so short and skinny, has beautiful eyes and hair, and she’s near perfect. I’m tall and average, and people say I’m intimidating even though I don’t try to be. The anxiety is caused by just self doubt I guess. But ah, thanks for caring enough to read all of that.