Abnormal.Thoughts

I keep thinking about the things that are stopping me from leaving and maybe if I can get my shit together I can make this easier. Are there life insurances that will pay out on a suicide? I’m going to look into that. Maybe if they can be set for life then I won’t worry about them. See, I’m the sole provider for my little family so I can’t just drop dead and know they will struggle to just get by. I want them to be okay.

I don’t deserve them or anything I have. I need to stop holding them back and let them […]

First, I’m just going to take a moment to complain about the fairness of life, my spouse has been having chest pains again, and refuses to go to the doctor. I’m the one that’s suicidal and he’s killing himself. It’s frustrating.

Second thing, I watched the episode of Family Guy where Bryan gets addicted to the runners high. I have no endurance for running but I’ve always wanted to run, especially cross country stuff. I can walk all day long without wearing out but I can’t even run for 5 minutes. Lol. So anyways, I started Googling this and it takes usually 50-60 minutes to […]

With the whole bipolar and BPD things going on at least the baseline right now is on an uptick. Maybe I can ride out a few months on a high. Some things give out but at least my head is clearer for the moment.
I was just reading through some of the recent posts and wanted to note that when my mind was so dark not long ago, and as hard as it was to focus on what I was reading, this site has helped me endure. I don’t know what it is; it’s not like we’re spitting rainbows at each other or something, but […]

The cuts were too deep,
The scars will never fade.
Some are physical and can be covered up, but some are so ingrained into the soul that they can’t be hidden.
Nothing will ever go back to “normal” when it’s been destroyed so thoroughly. It’s time to stop trying.
Normal isn’t what you want anyways. Not with their blind idealistic ways and depthless smiles.
Stay crazy.

This is the shit I’m talking about. There is no one that understands what this feeling is in my life and no one that can have a conversation that is helpful.

I’ve told the two people close to me about my mental state but they all seem to think it’s a short lived phase. I’ve been here before and I know that’s not the case, until something drastic changes I’ll be stuck in this pit. It’s not going to disappear. They asked me how I was in that condescending tone that makes me feel so out of place and eventually I just started telling them […]

So often I feel like I’m sloshing through muddy thoughts and I just want something, someplace new to clear the water.
Today I want to walk into the darkest cave and never say goodbye. I kinda want to be told to stay but I don’t want to say goodbye or tell them to ask; that defeats the cause.

This makes zero sense, maybe someone understands what I mean. It’s difficult to explain when my brain isn’t working.

I imagine I’m not alone in this but regardless of my mood or what is going on, I find myself thinking of how something might kill me, not in a paranoid way of being scared, but driven by a curiosity.

I recently read about a plant referred to as the suicide plant because the pain from touching it is supposed to be so bad that the victims would rather kill themselves than endure through it, to the point that horses even throw themselves off of cliffs. I wonder if that pain would be enough to make me do something drastic.

I have a small jar […]

Ten years ago today I lost my grandma, I will miss her indefinitely. How I wish she could have been here to meet my daughter and be a part of all the memories. How I wish I could hug her just one more time. She meant so much to me and supported me through all my craziness. It was her that I always ran to for support when I needed it.
I’ll never forget and I’ll always love her.

I’m not the girl you fell in love with it the wife you wanted, I’m not the one you need.

You didn’t ask me to be your mother, I’m not even good at this. I wish I could be better and help you through all the struggles to come.

I’m not the daughter you raised me to be and I know you’re disappointed in me. You won’t say it, but you don’t have to, I know.

I’m not your friend, I’m not there for you because I don’t know how to be. You aren’t there for me, but maybe you’re just wise enough to know […]

Up and down, here we go.
I don’t know why but I seem to lose everyone. I am not good at building or keeping relationships and I don’t feel like I’m wanted anymore.
My husband puts up with me, he’s too good of a person, he would never willing abandon our daughter, so essentially I’ve built this trap and now he’s stuck with me. It wasn’t meant to be like that.
My friends…. what friends? Even the person I considered my best friend for years doesn’t talk to me much since they moved. Maybe I’m overthinking this, they invite me places sometimes, but idk, everything […]

I just don’t want to be a part of it.

It doesn’t make sense for me to want to die. That’s why I don’t believe anything can help me change that desire. I’m tied up in this existence for now, but one day I’ll be free to go.

When I was little we would go out to the lake on my grandparents boat. When even just a little bit of water would puddle in the bottom my brother and I would start panicking that it was sinking and the adults would laugh and tell us not to worry. One day, the boat was parked at the dock and to no ones knowledge the waves were hitting it wrong. The adults asked us to go check on it, this time there was more than a little water in it and we ran to tell them it was sinking. The adults didn’t believe us to […]

I really hate trying to get help from people IRL. There are many reasons, but one of them is when someone tells you they know what you’re feeling, that they too have been suicidal. Okay, I sympathize and now I worry about them, but do they really know? When they say they’ve been suicidal do they mean they have wanted/wished things just to end or have they actually found a means and said their goodbyes? I never feel like they truly understand the magnitude of what I’ve said by telling them I’m suicidal, because even when I’m not suicidal I still wish it to end, […]

Fuck these mood swings and fuck this roller coaster. I want to stay in my box.
I just had this random urge to throw out the goodbyes I wrote months ago and start over again. Why? What is the point if I can’t even leave? Stay in your box and board up the doors, there is no respite from the torrent outside. Don’t do this again.

I’m feeling less suicidal recently, I guess that’s a good thing, how I got here is probably also going to be my downfall again.
Every emotion is so far away.
I’ve walled out the voices.
I have put a barrier between my anger and sadness.
I am not allowed to go there, behave like that.
That doesn’t sound so bad.
The problem is I’ve also walled off intense happiness and love.
There is a door that I shall not let my friendships pass.
That’s close enough.
I’ve put myself in a little box of safe feelings and everywhere I turn I meet a wall.
I […]

My cat has been missing since Friday. I miss him and I’m very worried that he isn’t coming home this time, he has never left for this long before. 🙁

The story is unrelated to my cat.

I went scuba diving for the first time in a few years on Monday. So me and my partner get all our gear on and swim out in the lake a little bit. My octopus (second air regulator for emergencies) was leaking air so I was a little worried but it quickly stopped after I fiddled with it a bit. My partner had new gear and wasn’t sure they […]

That’s what it really comes down to, I want to know that they will be okay without me but they won’t let me go.
It’s ironic considering I feel like the side character in everything, I’m not the loved one, not hated, just there, in the background and forgotten, playing a role that doesn’t affect the main storyline. Not the person you think to invite to any occasion but might be there with someone more important. Why won’t you let me let go?

I can feel that sickening sensation again, where I’m sinking, drowning again. It happens so quickly, everything seems like it’s bearable at least and then my subconscious starts to haunt me and I get pulled under again.

I’ve been having very vivid dreams lately, not necessarily nightmares, but they are tugging at my insecurities and breaking me down inside.

There is no escape from yourself.

I don’t want to go on this ride again.

I’m trying desperately to hold on but like water over a cliff I keep falling.