You know I always try to move on with my life I swear but the two guys i’ve ever had a relationship with turned out to be wrong for me. The first guy I eventually gave up and let go like I should have way before then. The moment I did that is when he came back into my life. Wanting me back trying to be there and being somewhat of a decent human being for once. I stupidly allowed him back into my life and that lasted for five months until I began to realize it was a mistake for both of us. I […]
Man can life be depressing or what? Sometimes I sit here and wonder how the fuck I managed to let myself live this long. I honestly don’t know why I continue moving forward when there is nothing better in store for my future. I feel like I’m on auto pilot or something because I just keep going. I don’t wanna say I’m numb because I do feel things. It’s just when I get disappointed or sad I instantly shake it off and I feel like it’s irrelevant. I haven’t gone out because I was trying to finish paying tuition which I haven’t been able to […]
How can I believe in love or marriage and having a happy family? I try to allow myself to want those things to believe they exists. Each time I try to do this the world shows me otherwise. I had a thing with this guy for a year and things weren’t working for us and I ended it. He popped back up now and turns out he has had a girlfriend for the last part of our thing. He wants to be together but I think that what he is doing is fucked up. I don’t understand why he would do this to her it’s […]
I had a bad dream the other night so horrible that I kept waking up, but I would fall back asleep. The pain from the dream has been lingering lately and truly saddens me. I sit here and tell myself and the rest of the world that I’m over the first guy I loved. It has been almost a year and the urge to have any contact with him has long been gone. I don’t love him anymore it feels like our whole relationship the past 10 years were all part of a dream. Him moving on helped me to move on and I needed […]
Met this cool guy that seemed like everything I wanted. But the way we met ruined any chances of anything normal or positive happening. And not to mention he lives in a different city and our lives are leading us down different paths. I went to see him and we had dinner and we talked and got to know each other I guess. Once I got home things started clicking and I realized that he lied about how old he was. I don’t know why he did either way it doesn’t matter. It was disappointing but when we talked the things he said I honestly […]
When you fall back into your old thoughts and ways. When you wish life could be better or that some how you can just go to sleep and not wake up. I’ve been feeling like complete and total crap the past few months. I’ll be honest my health has been on a steady decline and it sucks. It sucks having ovarian cysts that keep reoccurring more painful each time, have HPV and being at risk for cervical cancer some day especially now since I would have repeated and frequent abnormal cervical cells. Not just that But my joints constantly pop and I have the shingles […]
I know why I chose him, why I loved him so much more than myself. He was everything I wanted, because he was everything I wasn’t. Then I realized that I didn’t want to be like him and I didn’t want him anymore. I spent more than half my life trying to figure out a way to end it. Now that I am 24 and have been through things I still can’t believe I survived I appreciate life. I fear death and I hate myself every time I waste a second or a minute feeling negative or depressed because it’s a minute of my life […]
Finally done with a horrible relationship and most of the pain that came with it. There are days when I still can’t believe that it has happened and that I am where I am. I am jealous that he has good things and I don’t I constantly compare my life to his. He was a horrible person and yet he has managed to move on find someone who accepts him and cares about him, has good friends, everything I want. I am a better person than him I feel like I deserve those small things more than he does and it is unfair. Someone told […]
Can I stop hurting? Feeling like a shitty human being? Because I don’t live life in the most absolutely best way possible. I don’t want to believe in GOD because I don’t want to feel like shit about myself every single day. Because I sin and I don’t want to change that, and I don’t want to hate myself for not wanting to change it. But either way it goes the truth is I don’t accept myself and I put myself down because the things I do and enjoy are sins. Cursing, drinking, smoking, disliking people, pre marital sex, all these trivial things. Why can’t […]
I am a pessimist, I’ve always been that way ever since I can remember. I am that way because of my personal life experiences and some times its hard to look beyond that. How can I have hope that things will be better for me if in my life I’m only destined to reach a certain level of happiness. Maybe this doesn’t make any real sense but its what i’ve been thinking lately and how I kind of feel. I’m sad a lot, sadness that I haven’t felt for a long while. And it’s not over anything in particular really, I just feel sad and […]
Read a children’s book called “The giving tree” and I realized how cynical I am. But honestly am I cynical?? The worst is reality is it not? Of course there are brief moments of selflessness and kindness in the world but those are hard to come by. The book angered me, it made me feel pity because I saw myself as the tree. This tree that gave absolutely everything it had to a person who could careless. Yet even in the end, after everything the tree was still stupidly happy. I’m fucked up in so many ways that sometimes I don’t know if I can […]
When I said that I felt absolutely nothing, it was a lie. I did feel I just ignored it and refused to face the reality before me. I’ve made and still make poor decisions and I’m lost and confused and don’t know what the right thing to do is. I fell out of love with my ex the only guy I fell completely in love with. The whole process was excruciating but I finally realized I needed to let go. Just because I don’t love him anymore doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt, because it does still hurt. Remembering all the good and all the […]
I realized that I don’t want to be alone, because being alone truly sucks. I am so unhappy with my physical appearance that it just depresses me and makes me so insecure. Over the past few months I have gained 22 pounds and until recently I lost 10 pounds. I feel so ugly and I want to change but its so hard, I guess I don’t want it bad enough huh? I gave my all to someone that took advantage of it and just hurt me. And now I’m afraid, I don’t want to do that again and so I don’t. I don’t let myself […]
Well I had some medical issues that had been occurring over the past two weeks. I noticed some symptoms and panicked and got a full blood std test last friday. I was flipping out in so much pain and couldn’t wait till tuesday for the blood results. So I saw a Doctor on Monday and was given a clinical diagnoses and told I had genital herpes. I was devastated and cried but I accepted it, I was going to wait for my blood test to confirm what I had already been told before I spoke to the person I was currently seeing. I get my […]
This is the real reason I know I have changed, I am in an extremely messed up situation and I’m not beating myself up over it. It’s shocking to me because I feel like I should, I feel like I should want to be dead right now, as if I should hate myself. I have made so many careless mistakes and now I am dealing with the consequences. I never slept around I had only been with 2 people my entire life. My ex and a new person that I had known for a few months before deciding to do that. Well some how I […]
A whole damn year has passed and to be honest I’m glad that it is finally about to be over! My 2013 leaked into my 2014 and to be completely honest 2014 was so very unkind to me truly it just screwed me over and over. Today is the day I say good bye to 2014 and leave all the horrible things that happened in the past. I want none of 2014 to even taint my 2015, because this truly will be a new start for me. I will be starting a year without the negative people and the negativity period, this year I will […]
All I ended up knowing was the bad in life I just sat around waiting for it to happen over and over again. Never loved myself or cared to live my life, which is a very precious gift that I have taken for granted. I never went out looking for new opportunities or experiences and I never answered the door when it came knocking. I realized that not all people are selfish that they aren’t all liars, cheaters, that they don’t all want to hurt me. I was in a really bad relationship and when it ended it was for good and it changed everything. […]
has come and gone and I still can’t believe any of it. Exactly a year ago I was in a very shitty relationship that was falling apart and taking me down with it. I can’t believe that it finally ended especially the way everything has gone down. I also can’t believe that in two months I will have had a close friendship with someone for an entire year. That person whether they meant to help me or not did more than I could have ever imagined. I am so grateful for that, for them and everything that they have done. I am sad because these […]
I wish I could literally just explode sometimes. People suck truly, we are stupid, naive, selfish beings. And there are people in this world that are aware they are like that and they are perfectly ok with it. I keep having dreams of my ex just these terrible dreams and I wake up feeling the pain from those dreams. There’s things that remind me of us, of him and it makes me angry and hurts me inside. I want so badly to be ok, im tired of the pain of feeling like death would be better than life. I don’t want the bad people in […]
The holidays are coming up and I’ve never felt more alone more empty more sad. The memories hurt the most now. I have dreams about it and I wake up with this fresh pain and its torture. It was just a dream right, but it’s also my new reality. It sucks I want to cut myself just make one good slice into my skin reopen the scars to distract from these memories that keep resurfacing. I get that life is better off now than it ever was I get that I was living a painful lie. That doesn’t change that it hurts that my heart […]