Tormenting Dreams

have you ever wonder what it would be like to be crazy? to sit in a padded room scratching out the same numbers over and over on the wall?

42,23,18

42,23,18

42,23,18

To follow the same repeated endless cycle till time indefinite.

this is probably insensitive or stupid to say but i would much rather live in my own fantasy world. The things i create in my mind seem legitimately better than the reality i lead.

I write and write and write so that i can escape my own boring reality, the same reality i said i would never lead.

I said i would never work a normal job: FAIL

i would be […]

the little thoughts i think in the dark are enough to set me far apart. The lust i have to study and learn everything there is to learn is the only drive i have.

The thoughts i thnk in the dark are enough to set me apart, i try so hard to be like the rest, but momma never loved me.

The thoughts i think in the dark are enough to set me apart, there are so many skeletons in my closet, i blame my twisted views on daddy.

The thoughts i think in the dark are enough to set me apart.

The thoughts i think in the dark […]

So, as another new year is upon us, only mere hours away. I found myself once again alone,more so alone than ever before. At least before there were people around to pretend to be close to. To fake the whole human thing with, But today i find myself drinking alone. Washing away all the pains, fears and regrets of the glorious year before.
As it so happens the world didnt end in 2012 (a fact i hope you are all aware of by now, if not…) and sometimes i question wether it would have been better or not. In the end i conclude that it […]

I felt them in my mind.

Scratching away like angry little rats, they needled, they pried. they crawled into ever little crevice.

They ran like flood waters.

The intrusion was felt, but it could not be stopped. amass this whole twisted parade was me.

I was one of them.

even i had betrayed me.

They told me things, they told me everything. The words were cold, but they had there own warmth. The caress of there lips was more than i could bear.

I resisted, i gave in. We were one but yet so far part.

I feel that even the stars are pulling away from us.

Each year there seems to be less and less luminescent pin pricks of light that glisten in the dark night sky.

As a kid i used to look out at the night sky with such awe, to think that all we saw was not all there was… But as we grow older we lose that simple minded thinking. We fall prey to the everyday cliches, Superficial vain meaningless things become of great importance. The world strategically puts things in your way to stop you from seeing what is important, They wrap your mind so tightly around […]

tell me a story

Tell me the story

about how the sun

loved the moon so much

that he died every night

just to let her breathe

tell me this story

as i lay down to sleep

as the moons coming up

and the suns heart

beats its last beat

with love on the mind

and a heart that aches

i miss every moment with you

that i have forsaken

i want a love like legend

that will never die

if its fresh in our hearts

its fresh on are minds

my heart aches for the sun.

my heart aches for the moon

to be so far apart, and never touch

but yet they still love each-other, so very much

separated by distance in a chasm so black

its […]

I dont post on here a lot, and i feel like i missed a good opportunity to. I have been here for well over a year now and all ive been here is about how there is a world of its own here. I feel like i missed the chance to get to know all of you, From the sounds of it you all already know each other and shit: you don’t need anymore.

i dont have much to offer, im not as clever as clever name, or as smart as stendar’s *****, and im not nearly as wise as dawg.

Ive always just muddled through life […]

I want someone to one day read my story and understand.

so, where do i start.what defines me is not where ive been or what ive done; at any second who you are can change. with the passage of time nothing remains the same. And it seems ridiculous to say i dont know who i am, and really i dont. I someday wonder if someone can truly know who they are. or maybe a self identity is never established and people just grow comfortable with there surrounds and are like, meh fuck it.

i often picture the moment of self realization to be played out like a movie, where the sun shines to brightly over the top […]

i never wanted a simple life.

Growing up i always wanted to do something amazing, or to have a thousand life experiences.

Well, i ended up getting the latter of the two, and now i think i severely regret it. For i have had many different life experiences and life styles, and it has been a lonely existence. i can say i probably have had more rl friends than most, which i can say is most likely suppose to be a good thing: but they never last.

changes and life and spans of distance always pulls people apart. i dont talk to any of my old friends anymore, […]

does anyone live in michigan?

What do i want in life?
As i have often said before, all i want in life is to be happy. but that doesn’t seem to be reason enough, it doesn’t give me the drive i need to push my self to the limit and climb higher.
As i sit here and think the goal to simply be happy will never be enough. happiness seems to happen so often and it is so stringent; it is contained in the moment and in context.
It is so abstract and can happen at any given moment.
Happiness is procured out of nothing really.
It is so hard to explain at any given […]

Where did it start?
That is the questions that run through many minds. And really I have no answer, so many events lead up to the eventual tipping point all is lost in translation.
For many the beginning comes shortly before the end, where as mine goes all the way back to the start of my existence.
Oh how the mother and father were so happy to procreate and bring life into this filth ridden world we all call home, with the diseases and plagues walking the street. Vile dissension so thick it suffocates all those involved. How society loves to paint this as normal.

As we diligently work hard to better our future there always seems to be an outside force working against.
The hunger to achieve success seems insatiable.
And the question is: what is success?
Is it the satisfaction of knowing you have done all that you can do?
Is it knowing you have done all the right things and can hold you head up high?
Is it acheiving a six figure salary? or just making a salary.
Is it giving and receiving love?
or is it simply just being happy no matter the circumstance?

Whatever it maybe for other people success for me would simply be: having […]

I find myself avertedly stuck in a pit of lonely. The waning moon cutting a crescent in the sky, seemed to be cutting a crescent in my soul.
I sat sprawled out on the steps, of yet another abandoned house i have claimed lazily dragging on a cigarette. i couldn’t help but wonder if someone would come through and pull me out of this pit.
i flicked the ashes off the end of my cigarette, i watched the embers burning a cherry red. It always seemed to be the same.
i laughed humorously under my breath ” we are brought into this world by another […]

This is going to sound a little weird, and i wish i had gone my whole life in ignorance of this fact.
but i didnt.
so you wont either.
So here we go:

The day my dad told me he was sleeping with my sister has to be the oddest day of my life.

My step mom and my dad never really got along as far as i knew, and the night had started off with them getting into a fight and her storming off.
it was just my dad and i left at the house, my step mom had taken her kids and left while my […]