fakingit

Almost 9.5 years. Ha. My mental health has officially reached a low low.

Bull shit attempts. So many. In the 9 years. Now…im just tryna hide this void.

I run warm but lately im always freezing looking for anything to comfort me

I dont even care

I almost crash my car everytime i drive now and i dont even do it intentionally it just happens and instincts kick in and recorrect

I predicted the mass depression from the pandemic

Transitioning to work at home
I learned recently the free time that it […]

I put in a request for a mental health evaluation. I’m scared. I don’t wanna go into detail of how bad I am in fear of losing my kid. I make 98% of the income I can’t be put in inpatient cause we’d lose so much money. I’m scared to heal. I’m scared to adjust how I think and how I’ve lived. I just want to be dead. I don’t wanna feel anymore. I don’t know what’s happening. I just feel so empty. I’ve never been this bad in so long. I’m so tired and can’t sleep. I’m so exhausted physically and mentally idk what […]

Is about to push me over the edge. In the past 8 years from my most suicidal to now, I had several years of long phases where I was fine. This year though is all kinds of twisted. I don’t even wanna live anymore im running on auto pilot. I just want something to kill me cause I don’t have the balls do it myself anymore. I just can’t. It doesn’t get better, I thought it did but its all one sick game and I’m never gonna get to relax. I’m suffocating mentally…why can’t I just suffocate physically. I’m over this. Goodnight.

I don’t think I’ve been this bad in a while. Thankfully I have more self control than previous years. I can mentally fight myself to stay clean. I just wanna see blood. I wanna slice my skin everywhere. I’ve been clean for 5.5 years from cutting. I really don’t want to back pedal. I know I wouldn’t be able to explain it to my fiancé if he saw it. I’m just so trapped in my head. I miss the support I used to have with people and a lot of people here. I feel alone. On top of the desire again to cut, I want […]

I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship

I want out but I also don’t

It’s become to familiar

For 3 years that’s all I’ve known

But what’s worse is that the old me is slipping away I’m trying to get that back

I reminisce on the friends I’ve had here

How I used to be important to them

Now I’m not much of anything

Same with friends in real life

They really all do leave me

I don’t like who I am anymore

I’m miserable

I’m a terrible mom

I’m a terrible person

I’m horrid

I haven’t been suicidal in a while

But…it’s lingering again and I’ve never been more scared

I thought I moved on

But I’m […]

Is fake
Is media chaos
Covid 19 a government sponsored virus

It’s tearing people apart

The endlessness of it all is nauseating

I just want to be strong like I was a few years back to try and attempt again

I’m fucking exhausted

I’m alone
I’m tired

I’m done

No one wants me anymore, they pushed me out or walked away. No one cares that I cant handle it. The intense voice in my head being stuck inside, my life being sucked away from me, I cant handle it. I’m being sucked into a dark hole again and literally no one is there to help me crawl out. This isolation can last a year or more. I dont think il be able to do it. While this has been my fear since the outbreak emerged everyone didnt even think about it. Now it’s all over media, what about the mentally ill? It happened again, […]

I cant. I dug myself out of a fucking whole a year ago. I was on the brink of wanting to kill me and my kid being home all day. I’m luckily still working but I swear if I lose my job over this stupid pandemic. I’m in for it. I cant have such an available schedule. I make myself busy I do everything and anything I can to stay busy til I can’t stay awake longer. I have had mental health issues for years. I dont believe in medication. I know what keeps me balanced. If this covid BS affects me directly I’m gone. […]

I always come back. I reread my old posts. I browse new ones. I dont even necessarily wanna die anymore but I always am so drawn to this place.

Recently been trying to identify why I feel so unworthy and unwanted by people around me. I feel as if people always leave me, they no longer see value in me and that’s really affecting me and always has.

Moving though was the best thing for me, I love Arizona, I love the new people I met here. However the feelings run so deep for me i just want to latch on and i wish people […]

I am the only one in my family without an addiction. Drugs? I can put it all down. I’ve experimented, never had a problem setting it down. I was born to meth head parents, my mom has maintained her sobriety for years but my dad falls off and on. My problem is that I think it’s a choice. They all choose to cope with life that way. I dont. I used to play around and smoke snort and pop pills but it was never excessive when I think about it. I’m here because my sister is a serious addict she is working her program and […]

Some days i feel like im only attached to my fiance because we have a kid. We have no common interests no common goals or same attitude on life. Its just really shitty. I always come back here even tho I’m in a somewhat better place and i feel bad cause i dont like bragging but other days im drowning. And i just wish i had an emotional attachment to someone i cant even talk to my fiance about anything he has nothing to say never does. Just one word responses..idk I had so many great relationships with people on here…but seems SP has turned […]

Ah I’m back. Figures. Probably wont be for long but this place has always been a mental home for me since 2012.
From my posts earlier this year I mentioned i was pregnant.

Well heres some updates
I was sick the whole damn time and I have never been more defeated in my life. Theres nothing like wanting to get out of bed but your body being just too damn weak to do so. Trying to do as much as take a shower but stepping over the tub made me scream in pain. Around April when i hit my second trimester i finally found a […]

Got fired from my new job in less then two weeks that’s a new record for me. All my medication is failing again and it hurts to get out of bed and I’m trying so hard to eat. Back downhill I go…

The anxiety is getting intense the last few days and idk why. I’ve always had anxiety. Several years now but nothing ever this bad. I feel it in my chest and my stomach turns. I start shaking uncontrollably so much my muscles hurt. I’ve started to see things again. Visions. Ive been chased by a mad man threatening to pull the trigger against me. It’s terrifying. I just want all this to end. Idk anymore. Help.

I hate that everyone close around doesn’t understand how badly social anxiety affects me. And then doesnt bother to even learn. Smh

This place is my safe haven. I know I make more positive posts lately than negative but now not so much. I have been feeling so guilty lately. The more I’m on here I realize everyone I talk to understands my way of thinking in ba sense since in some way we’re all the same. Depressed. And what have you. For years now I only come back when things are hard. Now I’m on here all the time reading posts and talking in group on discord. I’m so social on here and I always feel like people get me. What I hate lately is that […]

Those 2 pink lines mean the world to me but if I knew how much my life would change I think I would’ve been more careful. I don’t have a job anymore. Bills are just piling on top of each other. I battle with my family again. All because of this lil bean growing in me. Now don’t get me wrong I will have the utmost love for my baby but as I’m only 9 weeks in and have about 31 long more weeks to go I can’t help but wonder when things will get better. I do nothing but sleep and when I am […]

As happy as I currently am I’d love more people to talk to about life. Anything really. Feel free to text me 208.413.5067 Kik feel.alive000 Snapchat babyletsbeweird I would love to talk to more people and try to brighten their day if they know they have someone <3

Well hello again. I’ve been gone again for a year. I thought I was gonna be back last time for a while but not very long after my last post I was able to escape my girlfriend. We went back home to visit our family and after a few days together out of that week I was finally alone. I was so happy to get away but she was not. She never left me alone. My phone was always going off. My parents wanted me to watch their friends child my last day in town and I told them I wanted to but couldn’t. I […]