heartlessviking

:: Relief? Or Fata Morgana ::

Disclaimer; I’ve been told that my writing is overly complex, and frustrating to read. Thus, if these things are a problem for you, press the back button on your browser and spare yourself the horror of my mad philosophic ramblings. Else, let’s go.

My life is dominated by waiting. As in, it used to be just a few things, now it is quite a lot. At the moment I’m unemployed, feeling a little frustrated about finances, but I have stuff to do. The point, I think, is that I step back, stop needing my life to follow my plan. Go with […]

Becoming a friend of death;

[still no title option admins, so here I am typing my feelings out using outdated self formatting.]

I remember when I was just a little kid. I grew up in a rather conservative christian household. Obviously, it was not a natural fit. Yet there were moments when it almost was. When I joined a drama/comedy group for example, or when we sang specific songs. One such song is called “I am a friend of God”

Like so; “I am a friend of God, I am a friend of God, I am a friend of God, he calls me friend”

Yes, I was aware at […]

::going through the motions::

Today it occurs to me that my heart isn’t in anything these days. I applied for some jobs this week, not that such a thing would solve my problems, but money is the fuel that makes my world go. I need quite a bit of it to buy my freedom.

My parents are cutting down how much they help me. Accountability they say, I know what it is, they want me to go earn an income. I would if I knew how folks, but I don’t, and am very frustrated at the disproportionate punishment such ignorance brings. I studied for six years, did […]

This is the question my therapist has given me to mull over for the weekend. I’ve been instructed to abandon any association with a career, just who I am outside of that.

Fuck if I know is the thing. I wanted to go with analyst, because my greatest desire is to understand and interpret. Yet, isn’t that still a career goal? I enjoy nature, and also working with my hands, and stretching my brain to grow my ability.

The problem is that my ambition is a way that I hide from the questions I don’t want to ask. Questions like “what if I don’t go back to […]

I got a new video game that really fires up my dopamine levels. My body has been the site of a battle between dopamine and serotonin for 28 years. Dopamine is the “getting things done” hormone, essential for energy and productivity, get too much and things get manic/anxious. Serotonin works the other direction, regulating sleep, hunger and repair activities. This is the only use I plan to put my science education to, using precise language when describing effects. No one cares, there are no assistantships for people passionate about hard science and good data collection methods.

Anyway, it’s the Hitman series of games, which involves a […]

Today should have been a good day, a few things went quite well, but all that is overshadowed by the words of a local lawyer “I don’t think that your case is actionable”. I appreciate the serious mindedness of lawyers, but they are a discouraging lot. I can’t sue my former employer for wage fraud or hostile work environment. In the opinion of this lawyer, I don’t have a case.

I have trouble forcing myself to care, about anything at this point. If I had achieved my ends I would currently be in a quite lush hospital, out of my mind, and potentially with a better […]

I’ve been thinking quite a bit, (my therapist called me an insightful person today, that’s progress). I’m well aware that I’m absurd, and that probably isn’t going to change. I think I’m done taking anything seriously that doesn’t have to be. Life is short, we’re all in this til the end. I have enough stuff. I have enough people. What I lack is enough kindness to myself. I think I’m just going to go with that. This year I turned 33, and with that age and frailty comes a greater acceptance of my own mortality, and a presence of mind that life is too short […]

I’m going to talk about some identifying information in a bit, but first on that;

I’ve been writing on here for a few years now. For the first year I’d guess I posted maybe once or twice, responded as many times. I was very concerned about privacy issues regarding doxing, and to discuss my desire to die, I’m going to say some things I would never want to be associated with my real name. As such, I have community here, while having an outside life that doesn’t have to know. So, it becomes more comfortable as I find others of similar philosophy such that I can […]

I’m at the point of literally asking, because I’m not allowed to want violent revenge on the people who are indifferent to my suffering. I’m also not particularly allowed to want to just not go back to work. Meanwhile, I’m sick, deep in burn out and having no motivation to pull up and out. I’ll put myself right back here is the reason. I’d love to do the normal thing, earn a paycheck, go on vacation to the lake. I really did try. It just doesn’t offer any rewards. I have this intolerable ambition, I’m not happy with whatever is given to me, I want […]

As an idealist, I’ve spent most of my life within my own head. I tend to thrive in environments where I am left to my own devices. Yet rather suddenly I have begun to doubt who I am. I have worked in social services for most of my career, and last month I finally realized that it wasn’t working because I valued myself too much to endure the environment. That seems like a pretty high bar, and that’s because it is. Most of my employers have been some degree of evil/corrupt, and that’s just the cost of entry to the workforce around here.

I have some […]

It’s not the pain that gets to me, I’m somewhat numbed to that, it’s the hope that keeps me going into unpleasant situations. I think that I haven’t been honest with myself about desireable outcomes. I tell myself I want to move on, but do I? I am seriously bummed that my (possibly former) employer didn’t reach out to me today. I started applying for new jobs, already got the first rejection back, and I’m remembering how much I despise job hunting. It’s all pleasuring unattractive people, I know that it’s not supposed to feel like prostitution, but trying to talk a company into hiring […]

It was a long expected reunion, between myself and death. We’re old compatriots, comrades, but not really friends. If you’re friends with death, that’s another world entirely. It’s like being sexually attracted to death. While I admit that it has an allure, death is rarely sexy, and even more rarely openly attractive. Rather it is an acquired taste. One of many of mine.

I knew it would return. Like a lover with low self esteem, death slinks back, ashamed to admit that it needs to associate. It comes in waves. Death of a family member with death of a pet, or beloved friend. Death of career […]

I’ve become more of an existentialist as my depression moved forward. Thus this joke only just struck me as funny. If you are an existentialist then the life you have is the only one you ever will, and possibly the only one in all of existence. We can’t verify that others experience things, so they are uncertain.

I’m trying to move on with my life. Tomorrow I’m calling HR and going to ask for leave and time, because my panic attacks have started to last hours again. […]

As I talk about often, I’m a shadow of who I once was. That’s this era; shadow me going through the motions waiting to find a way out. The problem is that I’m screwed up. I lean in somewhat. I own that my nerves are shaky, and there is at least one day of the week that I need industrial strength sedatives to get through. It still gets worse.

So, we’re wrapping up the month, and suddenly I have to make a major task out of getting to all my clients. Right, that’s the script this week; run around, screw a reasonable amount up so that […]

I spent a long time getting here, and the more I think about it the more I realize that I am metaphorically in the middle of nowhere, without identity, desire, or direction.

I was someone for a long time, before that I was someone else. It doesn’t matter who, I’m not them now. I don’t think I want to be anybody anymore. Yet, I have a wife, a job, and a family who all assure me they care very much about me. I don’t see how that is so; the agony I’m in, if anyone I love was feeling like this, I’d do anything to fix […]

Eight days out from my next therapy appointment, and I’m working my homework. The challenge; why do i do what I do, what IS the point?

This is a good therapist, she ripped through my defenses that I like to imagine myself at war with these giant forces, ones that I likely can’t move. I’ve thrown myself really hard into that over the last few years as I slowly but surely felt greater and greater doubt about whether there is a place for me in my current career field. Not as such. I have already decided I want to move elsewhere. I have already decided that […]

That’s what it all comes down to, trust and faith which are different words for the same damn thing. The truth is that I don’t know how to put a positive expectation on another human being. It’s beyond my ability at this point. Oh, you might say, but you appear vulnerable, right? That’s some kind of trust, one would think. The fact is that I don’t care. Curse me, you still can’t do worse than I expect you to. I trust people to be as awful as I can imagine, then when they are less awful it is mildly pleasant.

The fact remains; as I don’t […]

I’ve been very depressed lately, trying to find a reason to pull it together. Such reasons don’t exist. It’s not worth the price I pay for less money and benefits than I need to pay my debts. I frankly don’t care if those debts EVER get repaid. I worked 16 years to get to where I stand today; destitute, hopeless, and fed up.

Today I had a number of people telling me to toughen up, take it on the chin, because that’s what I’m paid to do. Fuck that noise. If you want me to get tough, watch as I walk away from EVERYTHING this broken […]

I’ve been trying to clean up my office, you know the place I spend 18 hours a day six days a week in.  Today, as I was shambling my way through it (the only state I know how to clean in anymore), I came across a length of chain used to train dogs. It’s a horribly inhumane little object, and most days I’m too soft to use it on my puppies.

I feel like it’s pretty obvious where my mind went next. I fantasized about ending my life. That’s how suicidality comes to me now; little bursts that no one sees coming, followed by hours of […]