I need to learn to control my impulse. I used to just shove it down and run away. I’m sure it was out of fear more than anything. It’s been about two days. I check just to see and that’s all. I spend my time thinking and analyzing and worrying and calculating. But that get’s thrown out the window when I have an impulse. I have very little selfcontrol. I find myself at a standstill. I ran and that didn’t work and I gave into my impulse and that didn’t work. A tiny part of […]
I think I’ll start posting consistently again for a bit. I just feel like everything is leaking out, so I might as well vomit it into this cesspit. It’s kind of sad. Coming here for sympathy when most of the people here are in abusive relationships, addicts, cutters, etc. My problems are relatively small compared to all that. Anyways, I’ve always have my headphones on. Not the small ones that go into your ear. I’m talking about the big over-ear ones. With big squishy cups for the ears. I just feel comfortable with them on. Not […]
I have no idea how to do this. I have no friends. I have no one to talk to. The one person I try to go to has a hard time with consistent communication. It’s not her fault. Her problems are much bigger than mine. She might be reading this. Hard to say. I’m probably making too much of a big deal. Either way, I have no idea how to process my thoughts. I have no idea how to properly analyze them. I have no idea how to simply be ok with myself. […]
I have no friends to talk to about this, so I might as well post here. Sometimes I browse r/relationships out of curiosity, and everytime it renews my fear of people. It’s constantly filled with people who have no idea how to deal with their relationships and their own mental health and the health of their partner. It makes me realize that nobody has no real idea of what they are doing and that you really can’t tell what’s going on in people’s heads. People are these bizarre unpredictable creatures that act out of impulse 50% of the time and overthink […]
I feel like it’s all in my head. All of it. Like the stuff that I was certain of seems like it wasn’t really real. Like it was all a delusion. I guess I’m pretty delusional. I’m still here though. Don’t know why. Just am.
I have a problem. I think I refuse to learn. I think I keep doing it and keep getting disappointed and then keep doing it and then keep getting disapointed. I refuse to stop. I don’t know why. I should know better now. I don’t want to blame them. I know it’s hard. I keep calling but I know I shouldn’t. It’s pretty pathetic. Why sm I even here. No one is listening. It’s a void where nothing exists. Yet I keep coming back here. Because I never learn. […]
GI JOE. Yeah it’s a pun. I don’t know why I felt like starting it that way. I’m still talking to her. At least I’m trying to. I know I said I have to accept that she doesn’t want to hear from me last post, but I’m really stubborn. I can’t really get that concept through my head. She was just in a bad place. Actually when I don’t hear from her from long periods of time she’s in a bad place. I know she’s trying her best. She has her problems. I don’t […]
I think I just have to accept that she doesn’t want to talk to me. I think I have to accept that she just doesn’t want anything to do with me. As much as I try and reach out, I think I’m only making things worse. I just have to accept it. I don’t know how, but I just have to. On the extremely small chance you’re reading this, I’m sorry. Sorry if I screwed up.
I have no idea what is proper social etiquette. I have no idea how to have meaningful interpersonal relationships. I have no idea why I want to have relationships with people. I have no idea how to properly control myself when it comes to trying to be friends with someone. I have no idea how to properly communicate what is in my head. I have no idea why I’m tearing up right now. I have no idea why I haven’t been able to cry for the past few weeks, except now. I do know somethings though. I […]
There is an inconsistency between what’s in my head and what’s actually there. I believe the root of my sadness comes from the realization that there is this disconnect between the two and that I don’t know how to cope with it. I believe my primary motivation drives me to these nonsense delusions. The fear of not amounting to anything and the fear of being alone. I’m so wrapped up in the little idiosyncrasies within my head that I don’t really see what’s there and when it finally becomes apparent to me, I can’t help but feel let down. The […]
I feel so tired. I have little desire to get up in the morning. I have little want to go to campus. I have little desire to do anything. I used to enjoy weekends. Free time was nice. Now all I do is lay in bed. I do nothing. I feel nothing. I’m so alone. So bitterly alone. It hurts. I don’t know what I want. I feel like my luck has run out. There is a cathartic feeling to it. I’ve always been waiting for it to happen, and […]
I think I’m falling apart. No matter how hard I try to hold it together, I can feel it slipping. Little by little. I go through these stages when this sort of thing happens. Frustration. Bouts of energy to try and make things right. Sadness. Emptiness. Disinterest. A feeling of being lost. Like I’m a husk walking. I start pacing everywhere. I can’t seem to sit still. Nothing really holds my attention. Focusing on one thing is difficult. Things I use to enjoy start to seem unappealing. I’ve been thinking about a lot of […]
Don’t know why I’m back here. Couldn’t tell you. Haven’t used this place in a long ass time. Haven’t even looked at this place in a long time. I know I will find no satisfaction from coming back. I probably won’t be using this place consistently. I remember I’d come here to vent and check to see if I get any sympathetic comments or advice. It took me a while that it makes no real sense to try to look for sympathy from people who hate themselves as much or more than I hate myself. It’s just […]
It’s nostalgic being back here. I haven’t posted since November, but haven’t seriously needed this place for a little over a year. I’ve managed on my own for a while. I still don’t really need this place. Just felt like coming back. It’s so strange. This place isn’t for finding people, but I still can’t help but look for the usual suspects in my time here, except they usual move on by now. That’s the thing that’s messed up. You never know if they learn to deal with their problems or if they make the leap. […]
A part of me wants to explore it and another part wants to cross that bridge when I get there. I think I am bi. I know I love girls. All types of girls. I just don’t know how I feel about guys. On the one hand, understanding that part of me will get rid of some baggage I might have. Having depression on top of questioning my sexuality seems like a pain in the ass. So if I just figure it out, no more questions. On the other hand, it’s not like I’m getting laid or going […]
The world is extremely big and extremely scary. I often find myself wondering if I fit at all in it. You look at yourself and you wonder how it got as bad as it did. You kind of know the answer already, but it still happens. It keeps turning and turning and you have to think to yourself that maybe this wasn’t the best it could have been. You look at the results and you say. Wow. Ok. The thing is, maybe you don’t deserve it. Maybe it is what it is and you just have […]
I think that I have to accept that I’m just mediocre. When you think about it being mediocre really isn’t the worst thing in the world. Actually it’s really common to be mediocre. It’s the definition. I breezed through high school if you think about it. Any perceived trouble I had was really nothing to sneeze over. University is like a kick to the jaw. And even then it isn’t that bad compared to the more advanced stuff. And that is absolutely nothing to the real world. I’m mediocre and that is that. Why […]
Here it is. The burnout. Again. When all motivation is gone. All of it. I just want to lie down and do nothing. I think I’m just lazy. Probably just that. It reminds me of November Has Come from Demon Days. It just feels like everything is dying around. Kind of appropriate for fall if you think about it. Everything freezes up and dies. Even me. That was lame. Typing that made me feel retarded and mellow dramatic. Even though there is a bit of truth to it. I […]
Back here. Back here. Back. Here. B-A-C-K. H-E-R-E. I haven’t needed this place as much. I mean not really. But once in a while, you have to do the routine dump. I think a part of the reason I don’t use this place anymore is because I kind of figured out what this place is really for. At first I thought this is a place where you can try and cope and find advice for your problems and potentially find like minded people to give you comfort from time to time. That’s not what […]
I have said nothing the whole summer. I had it down pat. The thing was that it was creeping behind a rock. The minute the bad feeling washed over I knew. I knew that it was waiting and this was it’s chance. I needed money for my apartment this upcoming semester. I got a job a dominoes as a driver. Little by little, bit by bit, I grew to hate it more and more and more. The feeling of being stepped on. The big difference between this job and my old job was that it was […]