I remember that day where I feel so lost and fall into a despair. I googled that I want to die because I had no desire to continue the pain. I wanted the pain to end. Then I find this website, the Suicide Project, where no one would not bullshit me. I was going to commit the suicide, and I saw the link “If you think about Suicide, read this first.” and it lead me to a page. Clearly, I stay to read through. I paused my plan to suicide, like right a few minutes before. I paused because I read that if I want […]
Last few months, that thing I have heard from people who care about me.
“Sometimes It takes a loss to gain something beautiful to your life.”
“You are like a vine or plant that are trying to grow and your ex-friend is a brick block your way out and weight you down…You have made so much of a process and she didn’t let herself to move one and grow from it. You are on right path. ”
“You are so sweet person with a good soul. Yes, we all make mistake and that makes us human. I have lived with an abuser for 6 years and you are not […]
I am here. Simply as it is that. For few months, I was thinking that nothing is truly last. I lost someone, a good friend who I care and love very much. The last person, I would expect to lose. It takes me a while for me to recover from that loss. I didn’t want to believe it is my loss. Now I accept it happens to me and it does not matter if I deserve it or not. I simply lost someone and it affects my life in good and bad ways. I still have hard time to look at something I love such […]
I am loser. I now learn that take pushy suggests and that online class is not really effective for me. I am just angry that I may be appears to be a failure or not successful to other people. What the hack does it means to be successful? I don’t feel bad about dropping the class because I know it is not work for me but all suddenly I am a disappointment to everyone in my head. Sigh.
So… *check the time* that is about 18 hours so far and I am still in good mood from last night. I feel so happy and..belong maybe.
Maybe it is just one time thing every once a while. They may not that serious about want me as their friend or whatever…I don’t know honest. I hope so… We did have really good time last night. Lot of joking and laughing. It was so good but I am not let myself have some hope just yet… I would love for them to be my new friends and maybe more than that though if things go well. It […]
Wonder if there are other site like this but for anxiety?
My anxiety basically draining me daily… I am tired of live in fear. Sometimes I even wonder if depression is not so bad.
I have been thinking lately… Maybe too much thinking. Anyways, after socialize with new people, it is like fresh pair of glasses put on me and I see thing more clear about relationships in general. It make me notice that my behaviors in my past relationships are not exactly okay. Just because I am very close to this person but it does not make it okay… Nothing bad happen with my new friends so far. But, I see more and more examples of good relationships should look like and I am still learning.
Today I have a thought.. “Sometimes it is good to be valuable and […]
I want the knife to go across my neck
I want my brain to be shattered behind me with a bang
I want the water shallow me whole
I want someone to beat me senseless
I want to wonder aimless off the road
I want my breathe taken away from me.
Just make it go away.
Be gone
Be away
Be nothing more.
Why can’t I just drop dead? Why not? Please just let me.
I don’t want to be strong anymore.
Because it means loneliness.
Loneliness do not kill, but a curse from a beating heart
That do not know when to quit.
I want it to stop. I want the loneliness to stop. If I made a new […]
Today, I just happen to saw the post where she called me ex friend. About time. Oh well. 5 years… I hope it means something at least.
I went to the pond at the park. I have half of mind to just drive myself into the water. Or just bring a gun to my head. But I didn’t do those thing. I didn’t think about it just because I am hurt. Not it is not that reason. I was very disappointed. it was the longest friendship I had and it didn’t works out. I see that she allow her anxiety and pull the negative things and […]
Whew… I made some difficult process recently..
Sigh.. I hate to admit this but I have been sort of stalking my ex-best friend for awhile. I am not proud of it. I recently completely stops. I don’t check on her for about a week now. It is nice…it feel less weight on me. I used to check on her social media few time everyday while I am process to heal myself at same time. Stupid idea. It slow me down. I told myself that I am just worry about her well being. But it is not really 100% true. I was hoping I would see any […]
So my teacher gave me more time on the project for the class, because I explained that I was struggle with class due to personal issue at home. A friend of mine (older adult) told me that it is great that I have an understanding teacher but… My “personal issue” was basically jus cry/grieved over friends and do nothing all day. What she said is pretty harsh which she already warned me before. She said “How many days did you waste over your so-call friends and use that excuse?”. I was surprised by that question and was too shame to say it. Because I know […]
sigh, disconnect from society media for a while.
find Master
become sex slave?
buy a tent, a lot of wines, and take a plane ticket to florida
…
……
Honest I don’t know….
Just don’t know what to do with myself. I hit all dead ends relates to people. Any ideas?
So far some suggest I hear from some, go back to college, or find full time jobs… or something..
I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to feel loved and wanted again.
Updated
finish my class and have enough money to support myself to do what I really want. I miss art world so much. Art is not about me expressing myself. […]
I am done trying.. it is too hard. It is too hard to make peace. I can’t get what I need anymore.
I am done.
Somethings is wrong with me if I could not feel loved or compassion from one other? I have friends and family that loves me and care for me but it didn’t touch me or anything? I don’t appreciate them enough or something?
I was thinking… Am I selfish? That other’s love is not enough? I don’t appreciate them? I have to take littles goods thing whatever I can from them even though it is not all rainbow and unicorns… Life is not fair. So I guess I am selfish for want more and said that is not enough to make myself feel better. It feel like it […]
my words are not really important. I am really struggle typing right now. I wrote something then delete.. Then something then delete. Something..delete…something….delete…delete…delete…delete…delete
After hitting mailbox next door, things get worse. Med don’t seem to help… I just feel I am hopeless piece of shit over a mailbox… I really too cruel to myself…
I don’t know why, but I feel scared. Have the urge to claw at my skin again…
So far, thing do look good and I do feel lot better emotionally. But… I keep have this um… dreams of mine that keep remind me someone I miss a lot. My best friends keep show up before I open my eye. When that does happen, I have dread feels, as if a snake crawl into my skin. My lower right leg shook and my body twist around… It used to be my daily route in morning in that four months of hell at the time. But now it is more of once a week now… I don’t mean to make it sound dramatic or […]
Well…There it is… It’s four wheels sit in our driveway and it’s magnet color hood shines in moonlight tonight. My emotions (lot of feels) today takes a while for me to understand. When I look at my new car, I cried. At first, I thought it is because I was sad, but it is not really it. It is more of relieving/crying. This car… not only it symbolize freedom for me, but also a sign that I am moving on. It is bittersweet. I know that when I see my old friends one of those days, I will tell them everything and catch up with […]
Questions for you guys. I was watch One Day at a Time’s second season. One of episode is about anti-despression med. The main character (the mother-forgot her name), take it for depression, anxiety, and PTSD. She was ashamed of it and didn’t want her new boyfriend to know. She went off the med, and get worse. She thought she could handle the despresson herself because she have the tools now to coping with it.
Here the spoiler, her neighbor or “that weird best friend” told her that she have to live with it. That she may have to continue keep take it for rest of her […]
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