justanothergirl09

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I often start thinking that I’m gonna die in my sleep. I start thinking that I won’t wake up in the morning and a dark yet familiar feeling takes over me and in a few minutes, I fall asleep. So in other words, the thought of me dying is what helps me sleep. That’s how I get through most nights, hoping to die. It’s sad to think that way but it’s what I hope for and I feel bad for everyone else that wants to die in their sleep, hoping to not wake up the next morning.  It’s sad […]

Although I decided to attend a community college, a part of me still wants to attend a university in some other state. I kind of want to just start fresh in another place. But I know I couldn’t make it on my own. I wouldn’t know anyone and I wouldn’t even have a job. I can’t drive yet either. Those are the things holding me down to this empty place.

It’s so hard for me to wish my aunt and uncle a Happy  Father’s Day or Happy Mother’s Day for the simple reason that although they’ve been my legal guardians for years, I can’t actually see them as my parents. My mom died and I don’t know my dad’s whereabouts. It’s not fair to think this way but I can’t help it. I know they’ve done so much for me and I should be grateful but I just get so many conflicting feelings. I can’t understand why I’m like this and I just hate it.

My graduation is in less than 24 hours. And here I am, praying that I die tomorrow; that I never make it to the ceremony. Can I really just die? Please? I think I’m ready.

Yeah Ever since I watched 13 Reasons Why, thoughts of death have crossed my mind. I started wondering why I couldn’t be as brave as Hannah Baker; why I didn’t have the courage to end it all. I then started thinking about my coworkers. I started working at a restaurant four weeks ago and ever since I watched the show I’ve been thinking about how they would react to my death. I always make them laugh and tell them things customers say so I can get a reaction out of them. I wonder if they’ll miss my laugh, my voice. The cooks, will they regret […]

I feel kind of sad that now that I’ve started working, at the end of each shift I don’t have anyone to tell how my day was. Everyone has either gone to sleep or is busy with schoolwork.  I want to tell my family the funny moments of my shift and hear them laugh with me but now I guess I can only laugh with myself.

Friends say I’ve changed.
That they miss the old me.
I don’t know when I changed,
And I don’t know how to fix myself either.

I’ve been pushing people away lately.
It just feels right.
I want to detach myself from others;
I guess I’m just tired of my facade.

I wake up.
I wake up but something is off.
Although my body for some strange reason feels light, my heart feels heavy.
It feels as if there are a thousand cement blocks on my chest, making it hard for me to breathe.
I get out of bed and manage to walk over to the light switch by the door without tripping.
The light flickers on and I stare at my reflection in the mirror that hangs from my bedroom door.
I don’t seem any different.
I shift my weight from one foot to another and that’s when something catches my eyes.
I stare at […]

I hate myself so much. I hate the fact that I’m getting better; I wish I could go back to how I used to be. I used to be so dark inside and although I had a few friends, I hated coming out of my room and I shut everyone out. I was so content with myself and I miss that feeling. I miss shutting everyone out and being me.

I hate the way I look because I know I can look good but when I look in the mirror, I see the flaws no one else sees and when I think I look good, I […]