Whenever I can’t sleep at night I often start thinking that I’m gonna die in my sleep. I start thinking that I won’t wake up in the morning and a dark yet familiar feeling takes over me and in a few minutes, I fall asleep. So in other words, the thought of me dying is what helps me sleep. That’s how I get through most nights, hoping to die. It’s sad to think that way but it’s what I hope for and I feel bad for everyone else that wants to die in their sleep, hoping to not wake up the next morning. It’s sad […]
justanothergirl09
Although I decided to attend a community college, a part of me still wants to attend a university in some other state. I kind of want to just start fresh in another place. But I know I couldn’t make it on my own. I wouldn’t know anyone and I wouldn’t even have a job. I can’t drive yet either. Those are the things holding me down to this empty place.
It’s so hard for me to wish my aunt and uncle a Happy Father’s Day or Happy Mother’s Day for the simple reason that although they’ve been my legal guardians for years, I can’t actually see them as my parents. My mom died and I don’t know my dad’s whereabouts. It’s not fair to think this way but I can’t help it. I know they’ve done so much for me and I should be grateful but I just get so many conflicting feelings. I can’t understand why I’m like this and I just hate it.
My graduation is in less than 24 hours. And here I am, praying that I die tomorrow; that I never make it to the ceremony. Can I really just die? Please? I think I’m ready.
Yeah Ever since I watched 13 Reasons Why, thoughts of death have crossed my mind. I started wondering why I couldn’t be as brave as Hannah Baker; why I didn’t have the courage to end it all. I then started thinking about my coworkers. I started working at a restaurant four weeks ago and ever since I watched the show I’ve been thinking about how they would react to my death. I always make them laugh and tell them things customers say so I can get a reaction out of them. I wonder if they’ll miss my laugh, my voice. The cooks, will they regret […]
I feel kind of sad that now that I’ve started working, at the end of each shift I don’t have anyone to tell how my day was. Everyone has either gone to sleep or is busy with schoolwork. I want to tell my family the funny moments of my shift and hear them laugh with me but now I guess I can only laugh with myself.
Friends say I’ve changed.
That they miss the old me.
I don’t know when I changed,
And I don’t know how to fix myself either.
I’ve been pushing people away lately.
It just feels right.
I want to detach myself from others;
I guess I’m just tired of my facade.
I wake up.
I wake up but something is off.
Although my body for some strange reason feels light, my heart feels heavy.
It feels as if there are a thousand cement blocks on my chest, making it hard for me to breathe.
I get out of bed and manage to walk over to the light switch by the door without tripping.
The light flickers on and I stare at my reflection in the mirror that hangs from my bedroom door.
I don’t seem any different.
I shift my weight from one foot to another and that’s when something catches my eyes.
I stare at […]
I hate myself so much. I hate the fact that I’m getting better; I wish I could go back to how I used to be. I used to be so dark inside and although I had a few friends, I hated coming out of my room and I shut everyone out. I was so content with myself and I miss that feeling. I miss shutting everyone out and being me.
I hate the way I look because I know I can look good but when I look in the mirror, I see the flaws no one else sees and when I think I look good, I […]
(Today) I realized that I’m an ungrateful child.
It’s because since my mom died, I started wanting more than what I already have. It’s because I envy other kids that have both parents and siblings; it’s wanting a nicer house, nicer things. I just don’t want to be me as I hate myself. I just don’t want what I have, and I thought I was grateful for what has been given to me, but it’s not like that.
I don’t want to live with my aunt and uncle; I want real parents too. I want brothers and sisters. I want a nicer phone; I want to be […]
UGHH.
I’m so tired.
So drained.
My best friend is moving Friday and the guy I have feelings for might be in jail.
How nice..
I’m only a junior in high school yet so much bullshit surrounds me.
It’s so hard on me. It really is. I don’t even know how to feel. It’s like everything is a lie.
The guy I mentioned on my last post has been the cause of my problems. It’s all because I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.
Monday night I was feeling so down about my mom and him and just everything (Tuesday was my mom’s death anniversary) and so I texted him. I said “My mom died 7 years ago. You would understand right?”
His reply?
His exact words were “Ugh I’m sorry I’m not trying to be mean but can you please stop texting me”.
The only […]
It’s sad.
I feel sad.
These last 4 days (counting today) have been so tiring. I’ve been so emotionally drained it’s ridiculous.
And it’s all because of a guy.
A guy that doesn’t even know my name.
And the worst is, I don’t even think he wants to know.
I know his; I know what grade he’s in; what lunch rotations he has, yet he knows nothing about me.
What I’m questioning is why I can’t seem to let it all go.
I want to let it go but it feels like as if there’s nothing I’m holding on to.
I like him. I do. But he doesn’t feel the same way. I don’t […]
I need someone to talk to..
On Wednesday it was Challenge Day.
I had turned in a permission slip so I was called down to the gym.
When I walked in I was terrified. I only knew one person in there and she had her own friends so it was like I was alone. Everyone sat in this big circle in the middle of the gym. I thought we would have to talk in front of everyone. I cringed every time they said we would play a game.
As time passed, (I was still scared but not as much) we were told to get in our assigned groups. In the beginning of that activity, […]
Leaving is never easy.
It is rather hard.
And even though it may seem dreamy,
It can only make you scarred.
I’ll be missing me,
Even if no one else does.
Because exactly like at sea,
The wind blows just because.
It is sad,
Knowing I’ll be gone.
That’s why I must stay,
And live on.
I must endure the pain.
The journey is long,
But I think I can cut thorough the chains
Because to leave without a goodbye is wrong.
Not a goodbye to them,
But to me.
I deserve better
And to be free.
I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to go far away. Can I just die? There’s nothing to live for. I have people all around me but they’re not a good enough reason to make me want to stay alive. It doesn’t matter if I die right now. It would just save me the trouble since I don’t have plans for my future. The person I love the most is gone and there’s no reason to live without her. I’m thankful for the people around me since others have had it worse, but this is not what I want.
I guess I could say […]
It’s hard to stay alive when you have nothing to live for. When the person you loved the most left and now you have no one by your side. You want to have a chance but you’re scared it won’t work. You’re scared to let go and that’s when you start to build walls around you; to protect yourself from others. You can never be the same again and it’s hard. Hard knowing that the person you were back then won’t come back.
Am I okay? I don’t know. I feel lost and alone. I have people who love me but they could never understand what […]
*From left to right; Xiumin (EXO-M), Luhan (EXO-M), Kris (EXO-M), Suho (EXO-K), Lay (EXO-M), Baekhyun (EXO-K), Chen (EXO-M), Chanyeol (EXO-K & my 2nd bias), D.O. (EXO-K & my 3rd bias), Tao (EXO-M & my bias), Kai (EXO-K) and Sehun (EXO-K & maknae)
*Luhan and Kris left the group last year (2014).
*EXO-K promotes in Korea, while EXO-M promotes in China.
My life has gotten better. I’m not sure if I’m still depressed but I can say I’ve been pretty happy these past few weeks. I’m not gonna lie, though. […]
Depression
Depression is not something easily understood. It drains the life out of you. You just fall and can’t get up. It requires so much for you to stand up, specially by yourself. People can lend you a hand but it’s just that they’re out of your reach. Depression is not funny or cute. It is something that consumes you. It takes over you and you feel like you’ve lost control.
Anxiety
Anxiety is not something you can understand just by learning about it. It is something that you have to experience in order to understand. It is fear. It prevents you from doings things. Making friends. […]