lonewolf23

I’ve really let myself fall back into drinking. I don’t think I’ve ever drank as hard as I have in recent months.

I’ve been sober for 3 days now but I’ve got bad social anxiety and I’m tempted to drink again but I think if I do that, I might end up in the Emergency Room soon if not dead in bed.

A few nights ago I couldn’t get out of bed the whole day because I was sweating and shaking really badly. I kept hearing screaming every time I would try to fall back asleep so my sleep wasn’t really sleep.

Moving kind of hurts my liver. […]

Why is it so hard to stop believing something negative about myself and this world if I constantly get evidence that it isn’t true? Why can’t my stupid brain just understand what I want it to believe and what I don’t want it to believe. I’m debating on drinking again because I can feel the fear in my body. Even though I understand my beliefs are unwarranted, my body still behaves the way someone in fear does.

Sometimes I wish I was just a robot, maybe then I could turn off certain emotions like an on/off switch. I really hate being human. Sometimes I wish I […]

I got pretty banged up yesterday when it started raining. I was drunk and it started raining last night in the desert. I was hanging out right outside my suburban neighborhood. One moment I’m sitting by cacti and watching the sun go down and then a few hours pass and it’s raining. I found myself in a dumpster looking for something to eat. (I’m broke)

Things are kinda cloudy but all I can remember is that I kept falling off my electric scooter. I remember how much it hurt and how embarrassed I felt falling in front of drivers. Then some lady rolled down her car […]

Yesterday I walked out of my suburban neighborhood and into the desert. I found a hidden area with tall cacti and bushes to keep me hidden as I drank myself into a mess. I wanna change. I want to be normal. I want to stop being afraid of people. I want to learn how to trust humans but I’m so afraid of them.

I can’t even talk to my own family members without feeling socially anxious anymore. It’s bizarre how that happened. I used to be so close to my 5 siblings and parents. Now I’ve changed so much. I’ve changed in some good ways but […]

Every time I create a connection with someone, whether that be a potential new friend or romantic partner, something goes wrong and I lose their contact info. So many phone numbers on pieces of paper have been misplaced and lost. So many phones have been broken and lost seemingly as a result of making a friend.

This has happened over 20 times now.

Prior to this I had a hard time making connections because in grade school, my father used to move a lot so I’d often switch schools every 1-2 years. It’s like companionship is forbidden for me or something. It’s so frustrating because many of […]

I’ve neglected this part of myself for too long. I can’t keep pretending like I don’t care about anything. I don’t know why I’ve been this way for as long as I have but my human soul is banging at the doors of this locked heart. I won’t let this go on any longer. I am human and that’s okay. It’s okay to feel pain and to feel joy. It’s okay to laugh. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be human…

Life just hurts right now. I’m not even sure why. One thing I know for sure is that being outside and looking at trees and the sky has helped.

I feel so alone. I have no one I can talk to and I pretend like everything is okay but it’s not and I hate admitting this. But the worst part about all of this is that every time I make a new friend or find someone who could’ve been more, I always end up losing their contact info. This has happened 9 times over the past 8 years. I either lose the piece of paper they write their number/email on or I lose or break my phone. These are people that I just clicked with so perfectly. It feels like a curse. No matter […]

I’m about to go to jail for something alcohol related. Alcohol is often used as a form of “self medication”. Unfortunately your body and your mind can only consume so much before the alcohol starts consuming you. I think that can be said for any drug addict whether they’re using crystal meth/cocaine/etc. So even if your drug of choice works at first it’ll eventually it’ll eventually start to have negative effects not only on your body but your mind as well. Alcohol felt like a treatment for my social anxiety at first but as time passed and as I continued drinking everyday I slowly started […]

I’m sorry dad, I know you want me to try and fight my charges in court but I just won’t. I know you still haven’t given up on me even after all the shame I’ve brought to you and my brothers. I simply feel too tired to live right now. Things are only gonna get worse for me from here even if I do fight my case. It makes no difference to me whether it’s 6 months or 2 years, I just want the world to stop for a while. I’ve been falling behind for years now and FEAR has been the common denominator in […]

I’ve done some bad things recently. It’s my second DUI. I deserve death! I never thought fear could be dangerous but it turns out my fear is my biggest enemy and it’s quite harmful to those in my community. I drink to self medicate my extreme social anxiety. I’ve made myself a promise as an alcoholic…….I WILL NEVER DRIVE A CAR AGAIN. I tried all the tips and tricks to dealing with social anxiety but I’m someone who really needs medication for it. It turns out that Psychiatrists don’t wanna prescribe anything useful because they’re afraid of getting sued. Apparently there’s a lot of “patients” […]

I feel sad because there’s a part of me that’s missing. I used to be a certain way and now I’m not due to how much I let the world shut me down. I’m definitely exaggerating when I say the world but I’m really talking about the people who were in my immediate family and inner circles. I mean I guess there’s times to be serious and so I suppose I was wrong to be such a clown at those times but throughout the years I let my father beat out my inner clown. I used to just wanna laugh all the time even if […]

I don’t care about companionship anymore. Many people would ask; “what’s life worth living without a companion?”. I made up in my mind a long time ago that I’m no longer living for me. I don’t care if I have to be alone all my life. I mean alone as in absolutely no connections whatsoever. From that sentence alone one should know I’m DEFINITELY not in the mood to get close to anyone romantically. I refuse to even become friends. It hurts too much now. I have been committed to being alone for years now. Whenever I sense someone trying to pry me open I […]

I’m 25 years old and I feel like I’m too broken at this point. My recent DUI has sealed my fate. It’s either I end my life or continue on and eventually become one of those broken-looking old people working the cash register at the local 7-eleven. I’m pathetic and weak. I’m a pathetic man and I think I’m more of a burden to everyone in my life. Someday I may just have the balls to kill myself. My life is meaningless. No friends, no family, no one to talk to. It’s game over for me. It hurts to even try anymore. What the hell […]

I thought alcohol was a cure to my social anxiety and at first everything was fine. It felt good. It felt really good. I felt like I could finally socialize normally like a normal person and I was. However it got to a point eventually where it started turning me into something that I wasn’t. I began hurting people without even realizing it. I lost myself. It’s like I wasn’t even me anymore. Everything about me eventually changed. I just drank so much and so consistently. I would wake up every morning and go straight to the corner store and purchase alcohol. I would drink […]

I always thought people who said they could hear things or see things were full of shit…..I mean I suppose they are technically crazy in the moment but those things they see or the things they hear are not actually there and if they are it’s usually distorted but the victim DOES in fact hear and see these things because their brain is playing tricks on them. It has more to do with the biology and less to do with the mystical as I used to ignorantly assume those people were talking about. I used to think these people just wanted to see things like […]

Nihilism sucks……at least it still helps with my social anxiety but then what’s the point anyway?

I feel like I’m living in an alternate universe or something. I actually know things could’ve been different if I had just made one choice and not the other. Actually there’s multiple instances that I can remember where I made the wrong decision. And they all added up until I became what I am today. If I could go back in time I would and I’d choose to be more vulnerable with people. I’d actually let people in. My youth was wasted thinking I wasn’t worthy of companionship in any form. I suppose I never stood a chance with the way I was raised at […]

Does anyone else ever feel too numb to cry? It sucks. I feel like crying often but it’s like I don’t have the energy to do so.