Say what you will about me but I honestly just see people. I just realized today at lunch that everyone kept staring at me because i was hanging with the black kids and i was hanging with the white kids, natives, Asians, Arabians, etc. I’m Mexican but I never noticed a “Mexican table” all these years in school until now that I’m not even in high school but rather at work lunch break. I get dirty looks from the other Mexican workers like I’m some disgrace to “their kind”. But i don’t care, tomorrow I’m gonna pretend like they’re staring because I look good. I’ll […]
This is a rant but it’s how i feel its mostly random so it may be hard to understand
I don’t talk because my job only requires me to speak when spoken to about work related things. But when you make jokes that don’t make me laugh, then I wont force myself to laugh just to not offend you. I wont say random things just for the sake of saying random things. I also won’t laugh at jokes intended to take cheap jabs @ my personality even if you say “just joking” afterwards. I’d rather have you tell me how or what you really think of […]
Many people die unremembered for good deeds they’ve done when no one was watching. I think thats bad @$$ as f***. Character is what you do when nobody is watching. I never understood that as a kid during school when the morning announcements came on. A single man/woman, girl/boy can save the world without the world ever knowing who they were. It reminds me of that quote from “The Dark Knight Rises” movie at the end.
I want to put on a mask so desperately and just move out to the middle of nowhere. A hood might be good too. I’m so sicken tired of lifes protocols. I can see this scenario playing out pretty soon. I don’t wanna bother anyone and I just want to get away from society. I’ll be like a rock on the side of the road. Obviously this is gonna require that i learn how to survive out in the wilderness alone.
How many of you act all cheery and happy at work or school but dont really feel this way inside? Do you do a good job at wearing this mask? Why do you wear this mask and how long have you been wearing it? Is it benefical at times? Are you actually lonely outside of work? Do you try to blend into the crowd to avoid suspicion that somethings up?
Did it take you a while to master this defensive mechanism? I feel as if it comes naturally to some people and so it’s really hard to tell if they are struggling with personal issues. I […]
My method may not work for everyone but nowadays whenever i find myself feeling insecure about something….i just laugh at myself for feeling that way. Or whenever I fear something I just tell myself “look at your weak ***** ass giving up lol”. It helps me get over it. I actually end up laughing at myself out loud at times if it’s really ridiculous. There’s a certain strength one gets when you can laugh in the face of what your mind considers dangerous. It’s not that you are weak for being depressed but it allows you to feel invincible.
Jeez….it’s no wonder why i feel like a robot. I lost my sense of being human. Humans are more complex than trees or even the most sophisticated program. To simply live is boring and empty. Sure i can just eat food, drink water, sleep, etc. But why just do that until death? I suppose it isn’t wrong that I want some excitement in life. Something a little different today to stimulate my other human emotions. Even if its simply choosing the bus over driving today. Maybe today I decide to join in on a joke. I got so caught up trying to only be “productive” […]
I don’t know why but I have disallowed myself to be human. I am not welcome to be human. It’s too late for that. The damage was done and now I’m a lost cause. I’m not suicidal but I suppose thats a shame too. Feelings just kinda pass through me without any actual effect. If I feel like crying….i no longer can. If i feel like laughing…. I no longer can. I am not allowed to be human. It doesn’t feel like I’m allowed to. Maybe at some point I was but then something went wrong many years back. The damage can’t be undone. And […]
Did I do something wrong? I offered a homeless man some support. I asked him if he’d like some money for a meal or anything and he rudely declined my offer and gave me a scowl. I wasn’t pitying him. I just thought it was hot out today and i knew it was hot because i was out in the heat too riding my bike to work. It feels kinda shitty when you try to be a good person and it turns out you just made someone upset. I ain’t mad at the guy but I feel kinda lost. I thought it was good to […]
I’m talking about my addiction to my smartphone. I don’t need it. Sure i get some cool benefits from it but the disadvantages and harm outweighs the benefits. So I’m destroying it tonight. Then I’m gonna start over with my life. I don’t care if society makes fun of me for having a flip phone. It’s not like any stranger would understand anyways. I have power over my addiction!
Anybody on here ever get that question? I have multiple times. As a matter of fact my boss just asked me this yesterday. I replied with “I just am”. I figured my boss must’ve really wondered why i was always quiet around him or he just knew some loners dreaded that strange question. It didn’t make me feel uneasy or anything like that because I’ve been asked that question a million times before already. I don’t care to have a close relationship with my boss anyways so i didn’t care if that answer pleased him or not. I answered this way because such a simple […]
I am fully awake and the noise is starting to die out. All the distractions are finally clearing up and that’s because i know exactly what i want to do with my life. Everyone around me is still trying to distract me by telling me I should do this or that I shouldn’t do that but I don’t budge anymore these days. These days i realize that we all have our very own unique agendas. Some people are trying to become famous celebrities, some are trying to get rich, some are trying to explore the world, some are trying to live small, some are just […]
You know what’s amazes me. Knowing that we have control over ourselves yet not actually having control. I personally feel this way everyday. There’s always multiple decisions i have to make everyday I’m alive and sometimes I knowingly choose the wrong choice. I choose to stay up late despite knowing it’s gonna affect how i feel the next day, I choose pizza over a healthier option, I choose to waste time on YouTube over getting some fresh air, I choose to cower from silly fears despite knowing how illogical the fear is, etc and yet I have total control. I chose not go out today, […]
It’s about to happen. I can feel it within me. The next phase is about to commence. I feel a great ache for growth. All the things i couldn’t do. All the things i didn’t do right in the past put me into a paralysis as soon as high school ended. And for 3 years time has just kinda went on its own. I feel like I’ve watched myself go through these past years in 3rd person view….almost as if i was in auto-pilot. Emptiness from realizing that things could have been better had i just not been so depressed. If i could have just […]
I take it offensively when sombody says that verbal abuse is worse than physical abuse. Their argument is that it causes their emotional state more harm than physical. My problem with this statement is that it implies that the physical abusers (usually parents) randomly and simply start punching, scratching, pushing, throwing, etc without saying a single hurtful word. The abuser is hurting the child regardless of what form of abuse it is. The emotional side of it is what hurts the child the most because it’s like they said bruises can heal but I’m not gonna pretend like my physical abuse wasn’t accompanied by verbal […]
I am the son of two legal immigrants living in the United States of America.
This is why I have always felt out of place in school as a Latin-American. It’s very intimidating for me to be in a room with mostly whites. Not because they are mean or bad people but rather because they’re different from me. The way they talk, the way they joke among one another (still don’t get chuck norris jokes). And by now many of us know that as human beings we are afraid of the unknown. I was raised in a home where I was raised around a mexican culture. […]
I’ve been making dramatic improvements in my ability to function normally in terms of going out in public around strangers like in grocery stores, restaurants, etc. I have less anxiety these days but i still feel the anxiety and that’s what makes me feel like i will always have this feeling. It’s been 8 years and i still have it. I’ve been facing my fears lately and every time i do it i get kinda scared but i do it anyway. When I’m done with these simple tasks i discover that it wasn’t so bad but i wanna get to the point where these silly […]
I’m super scared but I’m gonna do it anyway. My body is aching for sunlight. I don’t care anymore, I can’t keep this up. I haven’t been outside in so long that I’m nearly going insane in this small apartment. I don’t have anywhere to go in particular but I think a simple walk outside should be good for me.
I was watching a documentary on hikikomoris in Japan and i can’t help but think that my lifestyle is closely related to that of a hikikomori’s. I haven’t been outside in 5 days. I haven’t really seen anybody but my mom who comes back home late at night. I’m 21 years old and I’ve recently quit my job because i got fed up with rude customers and my co-workers who love teasing me. I stopped going to school because being unemployed means not having any money to pay for school. I’ve just recently ran out of my own personal money. So now I’m living off […]
My mother could’ve and probably should’ve done something sooner. I know for a fact that things would’ve been better had she just acted sooner. My father was abusive and manipulative yet it took her 13 years to realize this. Either that or fear got the better of her judgement. I don’t hate my mom, I just hate her inaction and how things took so long to change. My teenage years along with some of my childhood years are so empty thanks to all the BS between my parents. I sometimes think I should’ve called the cops myself. But i couldn’t even do that back then […]