I’m 19, almost 20, and I’ve never been in a relationship. Like a steady romantic relationship. It’s something I’ve always wanted to at least try to be in. I just want someone who I can text whenever and be able to be held in their arms. It’s stupid I know but I feel so unloved most of the time. I just want one person to be able to show me they love me. And I don’t see this happening in the near future which tends to hurt me. I always keep thinking “at least I have my fuckbuddy” but I don’t want to keep thinking […]
Valentine’s Day just hit me really hard for some reason. I was doing so well recently. I liked my life. But then Valentine’s hits and I’m like “fuck it I’ll just be my own valentine” and I was just going to do good stuff for myself. And that lasted for about half the day. Then I decided “hey why don’t I try to go to dinner with a friend because todays when you hang out with people you care about” and I have like 3 friends. All of which already had plans, which was to be expected because it’s Valentine’s Day. Anyways so my sister […]
what the fuck happened to my life? i had all these dreams and ambitions of what i wanted to do in my life. and its just the small things im missing. the stupid first date with a guy. the having a best friend and just going out and doing things on a whim. like going at 1am to stare at the stars. you know just the silly stupid shit youre suppose to do when your young. all i do with my life is work and watch tv and play fucking world of warcraft. all my friends are gone and in college. they rarely text me. […]
So at the beginning of this year, I set myself an ultimatum. I told myself that if I couldn’t make my life better and make myself want to live I would kill myself. We are almost 11months into this year. And that ultimatum made me improve my life. I actually set goals I wanted to achieve, albeit some of them were a bit silly(like losing my virginity) but I’ve actually made plans going into next year that will make me continue with my life. My stupid ultimatum made me think twice about how I wanted to live and I’ve actually have started to grow to […]
This week is just endless. Everything that happens is too much. My sister had he baby on Sunday. And that should be exciting. But everytime I go visit and see the baby I want to cry. I want to cry because the world is so shitty and so many things can happen to ruin everything for this kid and my sister. And sometimes I want the bad things to happen. I want a reason for the dullness in my head. I want the dullness to turn to agony to be able to feel something. My dad started arguing with my mom when the baby was […]
I don’t even know where to begin. Im sorry this is long. You don’t have to read it. I just need somewhere to vent right now.
It’s almost 1am and I have to wake up at 6:30am to go to work at 8am. And I can’t stop crying. I was fine today. I’ve been fine for quite a while now. Life has been going pretty good. But it’s been going downhill for a few months now and I know it. I used to have two really good friends. We would talk a lot over a group text message because one of them went to another […]
Since like 5th grade I’ve wanted to be a teacher. That’s the reasoning I use when people ask me why. But the real reason is because I probably wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t because of one of my high school teachers. He saved my life by showing that someone actually gave a shit about me. He’s like a second dad to me and I want to be a teacher because of the effect he had on me. He kept me alive. I want to make sure students who were like me decide to live.
I wish I could just skip ahead 5 years. Just see how my life is going then. I don’t think I’ll go through with killing myself on December 31st. There’s too many things going on in my life to dump all my shit on others like that by dying. Actually I think I might join the Air Force in January. I’ve wannted to join the military for a long time and so many people in my life keep telling me not to, so I haven’t. They keep acting like they know me. They keep telling me “oh you won’t like these people dictating your life […]
This is why I’ve never sought out a romantic relationship. Everytime something happens I blow it out of proportion in my head. I cut myself today because I just keep fucking myself over. I feel like my crush hates me. I hate this.
I’ve had a crush on this guy at work for about 5months now and it only started because of him. He calls me beautiful and pretty and I’ve never had any person do that and mean it in a way that they are actually attracted to me. I’ve been alive for 19 years and no one has ever expressed interest in me. Everyone was always like “that’s okay, once you’re in college someone will date you,” but it always make me feel unwanted. After dealing with that for so many years, I know I dont deserve to be loved in that way. My mind is […]
Every time something good happens, I remember what the ending of this year could be. I remember that on December 31st, 2016, I might no longer be in this world. I don’t think I’ll make it through the year. Too much shit goes on in my life for it to ever continuously be better. I hope I at least find love before I go.
I just want to know what you think of me. I want to know if this is going anywhere. Because getting my hopes up everytime I see you and being let down everytime we part is just making my mental state worse.
the reason why im so good at hiding my depression is that i do everything everyone tells me. i do what others say i should do to gain their approval of my life. because if everyone else thinks im doing good in my life then obviously i must be happy and not depressed in the slightest. i go to college because thats what everyone my age does and its what my parents want me to do. i do so many things to make others happy so they wont see me.
I can’t wait until December 31st. Everytime I fuck something up this year, I just think about how I will be gone before 2017 and it relaxes me. I mean I’m trying to make my life better, but it’s ultimately failing. I’m about to get fired from a job I hate because I want to keep my other job. I just wish I was gone right now but I set December 31st as my date. I have to give myself enough time to see if I actually want to do that or not.
Today was my friends high school graduation. I went because that’s what friends do, right? During the ceremony I was sitting with my other friend, and I was texting the one guy who knows about my depression. It was light hearted and joking conversation but he’s not the best at conversation so I stopped responding because all I wanted to do was tell him how I’m doing mentally. But it wasn’t the time or place. But I haven’t seen him in a while and I got to see him today but I wasn’t able to to talk to him in person because we each had […]
my family spent so many years not talking about our fucking problems. and now my siblings are like “we are talking to our parents about are problems so we can get them fixed” and then i get included into the conversation and get to hear about their depression and their mental problems and then i get praised for being the one child without problems. can we just go back to not talking? i dont want to be the mentally sane child that apparently has no problems. i need to get the fuck out of here.
In September, my uncle died.
In December, my cousin shot himself in the head.
In March, my dads friend died.
Two months inbetween each. Everyone is dying. I just keep wondering, who will be next? Will it be me? I wouldn’t mind if it was.
that is the day i decide it is over or i decide to move on with my life and hope its better. that is either my last day or the continuation of my life. i dont know which yet. some times im like “hell yeah, ill keep living” then most others are like “can it just all be over now?” i think i might try to keep a journal or something with a list. a list of all the reasons i should kill myself and a list of all the reasons i should stay alive. maybe thatll help me come to a decision at the […]
Ever just think really hard about suicide? Just to the point where you know exactly how you will do it down to ever little detail and imagine how it will play out afterwards. How everyone will react, how your funeral will go? Because I do.
So last night i almost started crying multiple times in public, but no one noticed. i went to my old high schools band concert because i was in band so i know the majority of upperclassmen in the band. i wanted to see them perform and i missed their winter concert because of a car accident. a main reason for my going was to see him. to see the guy who made me realize someone gave a shit about me over a year ago. hes the main reason for my being alive right now and back in november i told him about my depression. hes […]