sparkeyes

I’ve been writing tonight.  I’ve never felt this alone.  I know I write crazy amounts and it is probably annoying to see my username posted over and over.  I just feel so incredibly inside out.  I threw away the glass because I was frustrated it wasn’t sharper.  now I can’t get to it and it is driving me crazy.  i feel like there is a monster clawing at my insides.  i watched a movie.  completely disturbing.  i had no idea beforehand.  i just want to disappear.  no one really cares, not enough to listen to me anyway, or to try and understand.  maybe that’s not […]

all i want this minute is to kill myself.  and it is taking over everything.  sorry for this pointless post.  i’m absolutely screaming inside.

So I’m back where I started.  My friend is on her way back to Maryland and I have a sharp piece of broken glass in my pocket.  I feel like going to the store and buying pills and pencil sharpeners I can unscrew and use as razor blades.  I am seeing my doctor tomorrow though.  I haaaaveee to finish this semester or else I would just check myself into the hospital because honestly I don’t know how else to get myself safe.  But whatever.  Blood it is.  I have so little fight in me anymore, I am just totally resigned.  Maybe I will go to […]

I’m so angry.  Angry to the core.  No one understands.  No one listens.  I am holding on by a dwindling string.  I told my dad and my close family friend about my problems.  My mother told me I was being foolish and made a mistake by sharing my situation with my father.  He wants to drag me to memphis, a very unhealthy place for me since a dysfunctional childhood there which i can never escape when i go.  I don’t have anywhere to go.  I can’t go to memphis, it would kill me slowly.  I can’t stay here, it is killing me quickly.  I can’t […]

I CAN’T DO THIS!!!!!!  WHY CAN’T I DO THIS???  I CAN’T STOP!!!!

ending it would be so easy.  there are so many ways and so many options.  i own little to be sorted and have so little money in the bank its immaterial.  there are no worries.  it would be…just…so easy.  and it’s so tempting.  no more pain.  no more impulses tugging me.  no more fighting.  none.  gone.  the end.

but it’s my mother’s face finding me dead that stops me.

if i could cut the strings and die everything would peacefully fade into grey.

i am really freaking out.  i can’t stop myself.  it’s taking over all day and it’s just getting worse and worse and spreading and taking over my body.  i feel like it’s happening, the inevitable self destruction i’ve been worried about.  i can’t tell my friend because he has gone through too much with me.  and i am so scared of telling my doctor.  what if i get the impulse and i go too far.  at this point its possible.  what do i do?

I was supposed to write about a scenario we base off of a photograph of a girl covering half her face with the collar of her turtleneck.  somehow, THIS is what came out:

I need to hide, to get away.  Don’t look at my face.  I hate myself.  Why don’t you hate me?

You need to stop this.  You are beautiful.

I am ugly.

You keep looking at my with those anguished eyes, cheer up, and stop talking this way.

No, I want to die, can’t you see, there is nothing left for me.

Get up off that floor and talk to me.  It’s not over.  It’s just beginning.

I don’t want […]

I can’t work.  I can’t do anything at all.  All I can do is think of death.  My death.  I wish these thoughts would just leave me alone.  I am trying to do my work.  Why can’t they just leave me be?  I want to succeed.  I want to do well.  But all I can think about is dying.  Why can I only think of dying??  I won’t get anywhere like this except farther into nowhere.  I need to stop these thoughts, but I don’t know how.  My mind and my body keep telling me to die, but my heart and my soul want me […]

I’ve been cutting for ten years, but I never cut with a razor.  I’ve cut with everything else from knives to staples.  Tonight I couldn’t help myself.  I don’t want to disappoint anyone, especially distant.road because you have been sooo wonderful and helpful.  I hate when I do things that make others lose faith in me, so I hope this hasn’t.  I unscrewed a pencil sharpener with a brand new blade in it and was startled by how quickly you bleed with razors.  I need to throw it away but it is just laying on the windowsill next to my bed.  I can’t get myself […]

Expressing myself on here has been really helpful.  I am able to get this all out.  And maybe if I do go, there will be a record of my thoughts and feelings, explaining.  I don’t write good suicide notes.  They always come out with apologies and don’t blame each other’s and whatever else comes to mind.  But here, I can let the words flow and I can talk to people who understand.  I really don’t want to die.  And hopefully that will be enough to live.  But right here and right now I don’t know whether I can stop myself.  So I am pouring my […]

Dear World,

There feels like I have no one at all to talk to, to tell the full truth to.  Everyone freaks out or threatens to hospitalize me or gets disappointed in me or asks me why I am doing this to them.

It’s not like that.  I’m not trying to hurt anyone.  I’m not even trying to hurt myself!  But it happens whether I try to stop myself or not.

So why am I on here begging for help?  It’s because I am suicidal.  I can’t stop it.  It is a runaway train and I just feel impulsed to jump on the tracks.  I don’t know if […]