thehusk

The world is feeling pretty fucking lonely right now. Nobody can help, because nobody can really understand. Hell, I barely understand it, and I’m the one experiencing it first hand.

I just want this to stop. I want to stop. To cease. To end. To let go of existence.

I mean all life is, objectively speaking. ‘Meaning’ being largely subjective. But I think I’ve irreversibly cut myself off from most of the things that I find subjectively meaningful – love, romance, friendship, etc.

It feels like I should probably end it. But letting go is hard. These irrational parts of my mind keep demanding that I find some way to make the impossible into reality.

Maybe I should force the issue, force myself to end it. Or perhaps I should try to find some way to let go of all those things that I’ve cut myself off from, and instead appreciate the few things that are still left […]

I feel so incredibly lonely. I’m tired of being completely isolated in my experience of life. I just want one person who understands. Who sees the world as I do. One person who really sees me, and accepts me. One person who cares for me as I truly am, rather than the acceptable facade I present. I need a soulmate.

But soulmates probably don’t exist. And even if they did, there wouldn’t be one for me. The truth is I deserve to be alone. I don’t deserve to be accepted. What I’ve done, what I am, is unacceptable. It’s beyond the pale, for good reason. I shouldn’t be […]

It’s 3am, and I’m lying awake again. I want to go to sleep. I want to just let go. But I can’t. My mind knows that nothing is ok. There is nothing that can comfort me. There is nothing I can do to make things ok. I have to just live with that. Or not. And that’s fine, during the day time.

But at night, I need comfort. I need to feel that there’s some way that things will be ok. I need some story to tell all my worries and anxieties, to quiet them down for a few hours. But nothing works. I can’t convince […]

I need something more. I need a reason to live, rather than just reasons not to kill myself. I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life in this self-imposed limbo. I don’t think that’ll work for another 10. Even if it’s possible, I don’t want it.

Fear and doubt aren’t enough. My survival instinct isn’t enough. Aversion to causing pain to my family isn’t enough. If I’m ever going to move on, I need something more. Otherwise I’m just going to keep getting dragged back here.

I need to figure out some way to live with all the regret, self-hatred, longing, shame, anger, resentment, despair, anxiety, […]

My mind is trying to be too many contradictory things. So many conflicting urges and impulses, perceptions and reactions. There’s no compromise between them. I’m an awful, worthless person who deserves to die in a fire. Or I’m fundamentally kind and good natured. I should be behind bars, or dead in a ditch, or burning in hell. Or I deserve to be happy and fulfilled.

I should satisfy my compulsions and habits. Or I should resist and abstain. I should seek help through therapy. Or I’m beyond help, and should simply wipe myself out. I should hurt myself. Or protect myself from suffering.

Killing myself would rid the […]

Loneliness is a strange thing. I couldn’t say quite how it feels. There’s this persistent sense that someone else should be here with you. But it’s more than just wanting a physical presence. I have this deep psychological longing for someone to understand. To really understand who and what I am. For someone to see what I do and the reasons I do it. To feel what I feel. To not be alone in my experience of the world.

I’m not sure that’s possible for anyone, let alone someone as fucked up as me. Everyone is confined to their own unique experience, their filters for viewing reality. […]

When that which motivates you, drives you, and feels essential also seems impossible, what follows? Suicide. But what if you’re afraid of death? Of the possibilities of existence and judgement beyond. Of doing something hasty or irrational. Afraid of devastating the lives of those who have given everything to you. Afraid of giving up on the possibility that somehow, at some undetermined point, things will magically turn around, and your life will seem meaningful again.

So, not suicide then. At least not yet. So what then? What do you do with this hole where purpose should be? You negotiate with your depression. With your extreme feelings of […]

I’m tired of being me. Everything I’ve ever struggled with over the course of my life comes from being me. My mind is not made for contentment. Perhaps that’s the same for everybody. But it seems that most other people are able to come to terms with reality to some extent. They take comfort in Gods, or relationships, or friends, families, art, pets, or drugs.

Comfort is pretty thin on the ground for me, though I spend most of my time seeking it. I get brief hints, but as soon as I try to hold on it slips though my fingers. Nothing is ok. Nothing will ever be […]

I’m tired of trying to hold together all these contradictory thoughts and impulses. Of seeing other people happy, with hope & purpose, when that’s beyond me. Of regret, & living in idealised memories of the past, or fantastical versions of the future.

I’m tired of the way I perceive the world, and see humans as a species.

I’m tired of the guilt, shame, & fear. Of knowing that nothing can make it ok.

I’m tired of wanting. So many competing things, many of them impossible.

I’m tired of being alone with all this going round and around my head.

I should die, and yet I shouldn’t. I’m a monster, yet I also […]

I told myself I was done with posting, but I’m tired of being alone with everything in my mind. I could just write all this out on paper, but if I post it then at least there’s the possibility of some kind of input that might make me feel slightly less isolated. Validate me goddammit! 🙂

I have memories of hating myself, long before I’d done anything worthy of hate. Maybe I was an asshole as a kid. I was sheltered. Awkward. Quiet, possibly to the point of rudeness. Perhaps people thought I was stuck up, that I saw myself as better than them. Maybe I did.

It’s […]

I think it’s time for me to stop coming to this site. It’s something I do instinctively as a coping mechanism, but most of the time it doesn’t really help anymore. It’s just become another form of distraction, but I think there are probably healthier ways to do that. I’m posting this as a way of trying to hold myself to it. If I’m back here next week writing the same old bullshit, please remind me of it.

I’d like to thank everyone who’s taken the time to read my posts and comment over the last two and a half years. There’s a lot of thoughtful, interesting users on here, […]

‘They lie because it’s the only way to survive. If they had to face the truth of themselves, then they would fill their pockets with rocks and walk into the sea. They simply wouldn’t be able to live with it.’

I heard this said about a different group of people the other day, but it applies to me. The only way I am still here is denial. Minimizing the severity of what I’ve done, telling myself it wasn’t that bad. Because the truth is that I’m an awful person, and I shouldn’t be alive. And recognizing that I’m an awful person doesn’t stop me from being […]

I’m trying to approach this thing from a different perspective. I can’t end my life. Not right now. Even if I’m convinced that I want to. I can’t do that to my family. I just don’t have it in me. That’s the reality. I love them, in my fucked up way, as often as I hate them. Even monsters care about something. So, as long as my parents (and possibly my sister) are alive, I’m probably not going to be able to go through with it. That could be another 20, 30, even 40 years. Unless we fall out and cut contact, it’s likely I’ll be sticking […]

It would seem that what I’ve done is unforgivable. Should not exist, in the world. Therefore I should not exist. Don’t want to exist. Don’t want to be that. If I acknowledge the truth, and the moral sentiment, then I no longer want to be. The shame, self-hatred, disgust, is simply too much for life to be tenable. Nobody could want to live with that.

And yet, it is just removed enough to be deniable. Did my actions actually have any effect on anyone but myself? Was it really any worse than the horrors committed by most people every single day? Wasn’t it a simply an unavoidable outcome […]

I recently read somewhere that dreams are our minds way of showing us what we really want, then reminding us why we can’t have it. That kind of made sense to me. I have 3 or 4 types of dream, all of which generate negative feelings of some sort.

I dream a lot about my extended family – my cousins & aunts. I haven’t seen or been in contact with most of them for 7 years. I’ve completely avoided it. I’ve missed their weddings, the births of their children, everything. I didn’t want to face them. I didn’t want the awkwardness of their pity. To have to admit […]

‘There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.’ Or something along those lines. It would seem that it’s all in the stories that we tell ourselves. Suffering is based on expectations.

The difficulty is in letting go of those expectations, when our minds are constructed around them. What else do we have to motivate us? To drive us to survive?

Why not just drift endlessly, in a sea of nothing? Why not starve to death? Why avoid physical pain?

Expectations are the rules we set for ourselves. The way we play the game. And when we fail them, we feel that sense of wrongness, […]

I keep thinking that I’d give anything to turn back the clock. Not that I was exactly happy back then, but I was still a person. I had beliefs, standards, morals. I had real hope. There were things I new I’d never do.

The truth is, the seeds of who I am now were sown way back. My situation now is a product of my issues then. Run the tape again and you’d get the same outcome. I couldn’t change it without knowing what I know now, and I couldn’t know what I know without doing what I’ve done.

But I miss my innocence. Waking up in […]

I probably shouldn’t be posting right now. It rarely helps. I’m just feeling very lost, and I don’t know what else to do.

I wish I could just get on with living a normal life, like most seem to, without constantly analyzing everything. But it just feels wrong. And I don’t know how to let that go.

I’m caught between thinking that life could be great (if only I could figure some things out), and believing that it’s completely hopeless for me. And other times, I suspect that it’s really hopeless for everyone – that no matter how good you may temporarily have it, it’s not worth […]

It seems that ‘I’ am some sort of synthesis, an aggregate of many conflicting messages and impulses. I can believe many mutually exclusive things at one moment or another, yet never enough to fully commit. ‘I’ am uncertainty.

How can I live, after doing what I’ve done? Knowing that I will likely do it again. Wanting what I want. How could I allow that to continue to exist in the world? How could I live with the shame, the guilt, the self-disgust? Knowing the pain that such impulses cause. How could I tolerate that continuing to be, in my mind?

But then how could I do it to my family? Those […]