Just wanted to share this with someone. I find it beautiful and calming while also being kind of sad/depressed.
No false hope today. No motivation. Just waking up late with a sour taste in my mouth and a numb ache in my head. So tired, but I could lie in bed forever and that would still be the case.
I just want the awareness to go away. The regret, shame, loneliness, despair, longing – all of it. So I can focus on getting through my tiny little life. But there’s constant fucking reminders that there’s something else out there, no matter what I do. That I’m missing out on an essential part of the human experience.
I don’t want to see photos of your happiness. I […]
My delusions are all that is keeping me here. The stubborn refusal to face reality. The insistence that somehow I can overcome all the insurmountable barriers to peace and happiness. That I can ignore all that has come before, every piece of evidence my mind has gathered over the years.
When all else fails, stick you fingers in your ears, close your eyes, and rush repeatedly at the wall screaming manically, until you pass out.
Silly brain. Getting hung up on the things you want, like you need them or something. Like you need some kind of meaningful connection with another person. Like that’s even a real thing! And even if it were a real thing, like it would be possible for you, given what you are and what you’ve done.
Silly, stupid brain. All you really need is to end. To not experience anything, ever again. To cease to be. No more wanting. No more awareness of pain and discomfort. No more guilt, no more shame, no more fear. No more insistence that something is wrong.
There is no peace for […]
I keep getting sucked back into the past. Unhealthy. But I can’t help it. My mind desperately seeks some reference point for things being different.
I need that reminder that it wasn’t always this way. I wasn’t always this afraid. Or hopeless. Or uninterested in life. I was content to live in the moment, to experience, without all the fears holding me back.
My hopes didn’t even have to consist of anything that specific. It was more a general attitude. Things would work out. I would find my way. I would find out where I needed to be.
I never fully believed in the God that I was taught about – who […]
I wish I hadn’t let myself get so fucked up. I wish the world wasn’t so fucked up
It could have been good. I could have been good. I still believe that. A few different variables, a few small decisions, and I might not have ended up here, twisted beyond belief. I hate what I am, but I can’t go back. It’s disgusting, but I can’t close this door I’ve opened in my mind. I can’t stop picking at it in fascination. I can’t overcome this part of myself. It’s too strong, and it will always find a way back in control.
I don’t want to be this […]
I don’t believe I have multiple personalities. I’m not Jekyll/Hyde, however much I may feel like it. It’s all ‘me’. But different parts of me want irreconcilable things, and neither is content when the others in charge.
Part of me just wants to be a complete asshole – using everyone for my own ends, without thinking about anyone’s feelings. The other part wants to be a decent person – even if it’s for selfish reasons. It wants to be someone who can really be honest with others, without having to hide the terrible truth.
When asshole me is in charge, the short term highs that it enjoys are […]
I don’t want to be this anymore. It hurts so much, seeing life pass me by, knowing that I can’t connect. Seeing how good things could be, if only I wasn’t so twisted.
Every time I see something I want from life, I get a little rush. My brain tells me ‘Yes! That’s what we need!’ And then the despair overwhelms me as I realize ‘No. It can’t work. That life is not for me.’
So I’m left trying to invest meaning in the hollow addictive cycles I’ve developed. Trying to numb myself to the pain of it. The regret. The self-hatred. The despair.
And just when I’ve managed […]
I’m tired of myself. Not my life, or circumstances, but me. Having the thoughts and feelings that I do. Trying to be different doesn’t work though, because it’s the same self that’s doing the trying. No matter how elaborate the plans, I will find a way to self-sabotage. In the end, the same old patterns of thinking will assert control. I can’t stop myself from making myself miserable.
I’m too broken, in the way I approach and react to the world. I don’t have the capacity necessary to function. I don’t have it within me to be content.
I need a personality reset. Return to factory conditions. […]
There’s so many things I could be doing. So much I should be doing. But why bother? I don’t see any payoff. If I try really hard, and give it my best shot, I can at least fail respectably. I can get the participation award of life. But what’s the fucking point? How worthwhile is that going to be?
I should be planning an exit. But even that feels like pointless work. So much effort, simply to end existence. To return to the mud and shit from whence I came. To prove once and for all that it was all for nothing.
Nothing is worthwhile. Nothing matters. There’s just effort, […]
A lot of the time I feel I need something to be happy. Like it’s an essential part of life itself – the only meaningful thing. And when I can’t see any way it could possibly work out for me, I feel that continuing to live is pointless.
But maybe that’s a a delusion. Perhaps there’s a way to be perfectly happy with just the basics of life – food, water, oxygen. Maybe that’s what I should be concentrating on – ending the feeling of wanting/needing something more.
There’s much discussion among experts on depression of psychological and social needs. But are any of them really essential? Or are they […]
Drinking during the day – not normally a good sign. But this time, it gave me a brief sense of peace. Usually, alcohol just makes me tired, or queasy, or both. But for whatever reason, this one time, it gave me that sense of distance I’m subconsciously looking for whenever I drink. It’s wearing off now, but for a couple of hours, I remembered what it was like to experience the world without this nagging anxiety drowning out everything.
It’s not like all my problems just disappeared, and I was still vaguely aware of all the ways I’m fucked. But for a short while, I had enough […]
Actually, make that 20. But I’ve spent the last 10 essentially hiding from the world. Sure, I’ve done bits of work. A fair amount of volunteering. A tiny bit of socializing. Even some education. But mostly, I’ve just been hiding in my room, trying to escape the way I feel about myself.
If you’ve dug yourself a hole too deep to climb out of, you stop digging, right? I don’t want to waste another 10 feeling like this. But I can’t see how to move forward.
Now if I was older when I began my isolation, that might not be such an issue. I would already have the […]
How do you deal with the sheer fucking sadness of it all? I’m tired of trying to numb my awareness of it. There’s so much potential for good in the world that just gets crushed, for the stupidest random reasons. How do you make yourself ok with that? Without on some level denying that these are real people, with hopes and dreams. That they are you, just a little further down the road. It’s such a fucking shame, all of it. Such a waste. And there’s so little any of us can do about it.
How do you make yourself ok with that, without living in denial? […]
I’m so tired of resigning myself to this bullshit. The world is fucked, and I’m too fucked up to make anything worthwhile from it. I want it all gone. All these thoughts, memories, feelings. I want to fall asleep and wake up somewhere different, and realize that it was all a bad dream.
But it wasn’t. It all happened. It’s who I am. It’s real. And I can’t forget. I can’t wipe it from my mind. It’s there, eating away at me, 24/7. And I’m so sick of it.
I want peace. I want to sleep for a thousand years. I want an injection of serenity that […]
I was 17 when I first heard this song, over a decade ago. I was on holiday at the time, and had been up all night reading. The sun was rising, and framed by the window was a distant hill, with a single, solitary tree. It’s hard to explain why, but it’s the closest I’ve come to a ‘spiritual’ experience.
I think it had something to do with gratitude. With the idea of being grateful for your experience, even though it had been painful. That loss and pain and loneliness could still be beautiful, no matter how much I wanted to avoid them. That ultimately, it was […]
Waking up with no hope, feeling like crap. Not enough sleep. Utterly alone. No real purpose in life. Just more grinding tediousness. Trying to convince myself that at some point, it will all be worth it. Getting stuck on all the obstacles I’ve created for myself. Full of sadness, regret, and self-hatred. I want to go back, to when the world still seemed interesting. To when the future was distant and alluring, rather than here and devastating. When I was still capable of thinking new thoughts, feeling new experiences. When I was unaware of all the shit. When I wasn’t so fucking numbed to it […]
When you know you’re not ready to go, but it’s too late in the day to start doing anything constructive. And you have no energy left anyway. You’re exhausted. But you can’t let go. You can’t sleep. Because things are so wrong, when they could’ve been so good. And you can’t just accept it. You’re too tired to put things in perspective. So you’re trapped with this awfulness in your head. And even if you do sleep, it follows you into your dreams.
All you want is escape. To really forget everything you’ve lost. How alone you are. How hopeless you feel. You want to be somebody else, just […]
To all those I’ve wronged (most of whom I’ve never met.)
Please believe that it says nothing about you.
All it reflects is my own weakness.
And though you may carry scars, they are not what others see.
When they see the real you.
–
To all those I’ve failed.
Please know that someone more adequate is waiting, just around the corner.
To give you what you really need.
Though you may have to look closely, to check it’s really them.
I wish it could’ve been me, but it wasn’t.
I was just […]
Where does it come from, that feeling that life should hold more significance than it actually does? That I should be more than I am? Too many stories, perhaps. Too many books, movies, shows and songs. So many ideas about what life should be. ‘You think too much.’
Why should it be so terrible to admit that I’m just a weak, isolated ape, ill-adjusted to it’s environment, too poorly socialized to properly fit into the tribe? Why should there be anything more to it? Why not just get on with failing or succeeding in the struggle for genetic replication? Why this feeling that both are somehow unsatisfactory?
‘Get […]