Chronic Pain

I feel kinda off after the talk I’ve had with a psychiatric outpatient clinic. I feel like, she didn’t really understand my limitations on how I struggle with life and what treatment I’d be willing to do. She kept shoving her clinic onto me. I’ve looked at it years back and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it.

To her, a stationary psycho clinic is like vegetating away and not grasping the problem. What the hell, I bet lots of people wouldn’t even consider getting help like that. I don’t wanna be a Debby-Downer but I have the feeling, no one really understands, how […]

I’ve remembered a childhood friend of mine, who’s rather popular on social media.

I didn’t have any contact to any school friends, ever since I deleted my Facebook in 2014. I’m basically a ghost, nobody knows what my life became. I’m so glad about that too, ’cause let me tell you, being bullied even by your so-called friends, does something to your perception on how the world views you.

Adults don’t do that to me anymore. I’m happy, I met people who can look behind someone’s appearance, their disability and sexuality.

But back to my friend. I have watched a video of her, where she explains what she […]

Im not in control of my own head anymore. I haven’t been in a while. Depression has taken over. I’ve been making friends with it.

I had a great shift at work yesterday then I got home and once I got in my room I just started crying. I HATE CRYING. I never wanna cry again.

I have these small little moments of excitement but its a fleeting feeling. It never lasts for very long

I got screamed at that I didn’t get my mom a coffee when I place an online order, even though I only had enough money in to get my own. She screamed at […]

I hate that i’m always lonely. I hate that I push people away. I hate that I feel like I could snap at any moment. I hate that I have MDD, DMDD, GAD, and ADD. I hate that I hate myself.

ughhh why? why am I here. I don’t understand. Ive got a bottle of rum so I think im just gonna drink to my hearts content until I pass out.

I want to be with someone who makes me feel good. Somebody who is funny and will make me smile. Someone who will be there when i’m down. Someone I can do all those same things for in return. I know i’m not good enough though  I am going to be lonely forever.

Depression has ruined everything. when something is peaceful its only for a few moments. Then everything goes to shit again. I get annoyed and start pushing people away. I don’t realize I’ve been pushing everyone away until Im really low. Its the same cycle over and over and over. one big endless cycle.

I had an urge to end it all the other day. I don’t know why I Didn’t.

Im so lonely and I just want a relationship where somebody cares about me. Someone who shares my interests and who will make me smile and laugh. But how can somebody love me when I don’t love […]

all theses thoughts inside my head. all this pain. all these things make me wish I were dead. my brain is destroying myself from the inside out. any stability I had left is withering away. at the moment there is no peace, no happy, no joy. all the things that drive me crazy.

Im never gonna escape the self destruct area because it IS ME. I feel I am slowly and subconsciously destroying my relationship with my mom. I never wanna talk anymore. Talking to people annoys me. Im failing all my classes and my mom just wants to withdraw me from school till next year. I hate high school. Its like there’s instructions in my brain to self destruct my life and I can’t stop it. Im falling towards rock bottom and and occasionally land on ledges that break my fall But its only for a moment Then the ledge crumbles out from under me.

My friend can fall asleep in midst a second, even during our conversations and already at like 9 pm, while I lay awake in bed for hours until the birds start to sing at 4 am. I’m such a night crawler and society screws me because of it. I’d like to see the successful morning people stay up til 7 am like I do *sigh* sadly there’s nothing for me out there.

I’d like a chance to see, whether I’d be happier when living and working at night. Maybe my depression really depends on this. I’m tired all the time, I stress myself because I need […]

I am loosing my mind. I hate high school and I hate people. Everyday is so draining. everybody has been getting on my last nerve. I had to start working less shifts at my job because im so tired. Everyday is the same cycle of bullshit 1.wake up 2.get ready 3.go to school 4.deal with the same annoying people 5.deal with teachers who are in a shitty mood because these kids behave so shitty towards them. 6. go home and get Lectured about how I need to do better.   its the same thing every day. its exhausting. and my mom wonders why I drank. […]

           I just don’t know. I’m so far behind in school work. I am so behind in everything. I lack a lot of the social skills I need to make it. I am not sure when it started. When I started giving up. I think I don’t do anything anymore because I have already failed  the school year, so what’s the point in trying. I keep saying I’ll try harder but I don’t.  

            I don’t know when I started drinking but it’s become a thing. I realized that I just take whatever I can […]