Why do I get panic attacks for no reason at all?
I’ve heard a lot of people make the statement that they were born in the wrong time. As if that’s something to be proud of. I didn’t used to get annoyed with these people haughtily proclaiming their belonging to a different era, at least not when I was a teen. But now, it pisses me off to no end. Because I now feel that every day of my fucking life.
I’ve only been an adult for three years now, and already I’ve come across a major problem in my biological code. To put it bluntly, I’m inherently backward, I have an innate fear of change, and to make matters worse, I’m entirely self-aware of it. All this puts me at a distinct disadvantage in life. Life only moves forward. Society and culture move with it. It never stops for anyone. Some people can deal with that, relish in it even. Those people are the people we read about in history books. The people who are now seen as heroes of our time, changing the world for the betterment of everyone.
Where do I fit in? Well, I don’t.
Because everyone is capable of moving with the times but me. I’ve realized that during my time studying in woman’s history, that I fit into all the things that those woman have tried to purge from society. Passive, weak-willed, pathetic. Backward. I realize that history only remembers the revolutionaries. The people willing to push the boundaries. That’s not what I am.
And its not just with history, either. Everything political going on around me feels to foreign and uncomfortable, everyone might as well be speaking a different language. Like trying to fit a square peg in the round hole, but there wasn’t even a hole to begin with. Just a place where the hole should be. My ideals, in the grand scheme of things, are bullshit. I’ll only drag everyone down. I know this, as I’m already dragging myself down. I can’t relate too most people in my age group, I can’t relate to most people. I can’t relate to anyone. I’m only going through the motions, playing pretend, acting as if I’m just like everyone else.
I guess maybe it’s not the case that I was born in the wrong time, but I was born incomplete. My function to move forward with the rest of the world, to “get with the times” is stripped from me. I’m not moving at all. I’m a literal statue, a relic from a time and place that probably never existed in the first place. I don’t understand myself, my ideals, my place in a world that’s moving far too fast for me to keep up. I just want to die. I just want to just fade away like a piece of history. Something that doesn’t belong in the world anymore because everyone has just moved on. I don’t to be remembered, I don’t want to be missed, because my being here was a crime against the nature in the first place. I feel gross. I feel sick of myself. I just want to go the way of the dinosaurs and stop fighting to find my place in a foreign world.
And honestly, I’d rather not live my life watching everyone else move forward and I only stay in the same goddamn spot, until I’m a crochety old woman that everyone around me wishes would just die already. I’d love to just be able to leave everything and everyone behind. To just isolate myself on an island somewhere, with nothing around by myself. No one to compare myself to, no one to watch pass me by. All alone, I don’t have to hate myself. I can just pretend, in this isolation, I’m the only one here. Living in my own stagnant corner of time. But that’s just a fantasy.
Throughout the course of my life, I have experienced a string of failures and have only occasionally managed to make the occasional breakthrough.
I wasn’t able to pursue the career I really wanted due to me not being skilled and experienced enough and there being a lack of entry level jobs to break in to the industry. Currently, I am unemployed and every job I interview for has 20 other candidates also campaigning for the same role and thus I keep getting rejected.
I don’t have enough money to go back to school and at this point, I regret ever going to school at all.
This natural spark that people have that seems to help them find their natural fit and skillset in the world seems foreign to me. I have never been good enough for anything, except being a constant failure.
Out of my siblings, I am the least successful. Every time I see them I am faced with the crushing fact of how much inferior I am to them.
I’ve honestly lost all hope and I have no prospects. I already feel dead to the world – no benefit to anyone or anything so long as I am alive. I don’t think that things will get better for me. I really don’t.
This past few weeks felt really lonely and embarrassing. I just remembered yesterday how miserable my life is.
I walked outside at night while crying and nobody cared at all. How lonely my world is.
I cried in my room while cutting my wrist and I felt the emotional pain rather than the physical pain.
Right now I feel like I can jump from a rooftop or be hit by a truck. Even though I always feel miserable all these years, I feel like I have the courage to die now. I don’t really get why I don’t deserve a happy life.
Please let me die. Living another day scares me more
Three weeks into antidepressants and met someone amazing.
It was all sunshine for a moment there but then it poured.
He told me he was moving away, wasn’t looking for anything serious and that he enjoyed being single. Running on low expectation all over again. I had to push him away since I was already having feelings for him and yeap that’s insane because we’ve only been dating for like a month. I guess people like us get attached too easily to any slight sign of happiness and when it goes away it feels like our world comes crumbling down. I haven’t stopped crying, can’t get out of bed since we had that talk. I’m back to square one.
I’m seriously running out of energy and this is my cry for help. I think each day I’m getting closer to commiting suicide. I’d rather do it than hitting my 30s without accomplishing anything, being a failure to my family and having this constant feeling of despair and emptiness.
Dirty tissues, trust issues.
STOP THE BLEEDING.
in the rigid amber
of a death grip;
their skeletal digits
Ushering in softly
a traffic jam
of violent panic
in a parched throat
that no longer ferries
I think I’ve reached my breaking point when it comes to forming relationships with people. My head feels so heavy, like thick black concrete forming a toxic sludge. No matter how much people tell me they care about me I can’t help but not feel that care. I can’t help but feel that they like someone else better, that I’ll alway be second best. I can’t help but think I will just die alone. I knew that if I were to just die today only my family would cry. And of course, I love my family. I am grateful for them. But there is something seriously wrong if they are they only ones recognizing your worth. I just want to disappear so I don’t have to plague anyone with my existence ever again.
I promised someone I wouldn’t kill myself.
I was a beautifully poetic moment and all. He gave me some good points as to why I shouldn’t off myself. I might have cried a little. We both got closer to each other because of it. And maybe it does make me feel a little better about myself. But looking back in it, I kinda wish I didn’t make that promise. Because now I have to commit to staying alive.
The truth is, I’d rather not be here. I rather not slog through this earth any longer than I have to. Not too long ago I looked up the average age people die of natural causes in America. Turns out it’s 81. I’m twenty-one. Another sixty fucking years of this mess. Joy.
I feel alone. Not in a literal sense. I’m not locked up in my room 24/7, refusing to go outside and interact with the world. (Although sometimes I wish I could do that.) I feel as if I’m not meant to be with anyone. Not with strangers, not with my friends, not even with my own family. Something about me is different. Something about me just doesn’t mesh right. Like I was born socially deformed. In actuality, I probably was, due to my fucking Asperger’s.
The long and short of it is, I’ve lost my sense of self. I’ll be honest, I’m possibly the most gullible idiot there is. I’ll believe anything anyone with a seemingly higher IQ level than me says. So you know, most people. I realized this was a problem when I turned 18, how I just allowed other people to shape my views of the world, and then have a literal panic attack when I’m given new apposing information, then tailoring my mindset to match that. Repeat ad nauseum. So, what did I do to fix that? Close myself off to every opinion no matter what trusted individual gives it to me effectively alienating myself politically, socially and sometimes even physically.
Now how could this mindset possibly backfire?
Well, now I’ve gotten to the point where I mentally question everything. Every mindset, every viewpoint, everything. This is especially true with politics. Unsurprisingly, I hate politics. Not offense to people who like it by the way. But for me, it’s an endless cycle of questioning, hating myself for questioning, trying to force myself to think a certain way, failing, questioning— Well, you probably get the picture. And all while this is going on, I’ve also adopted another self-destructive habit. I’ve become almost a compulsive liar, telling people things I don’t actually believe because I know that’s what they want to hear. “Are you left wing?” “Yeah.” “Are you right wing?” “Sure.” “Democrat?” “Yeah, okay.” “Republican.” “Why the fuck not.” When in actuality, I have no fucking clue what I think anymore.
It can’t possibly be other people’s fault, right? It has to be all on me. Something about me is making it so I don’t mesh with other people or groups or ideologies. Maybe it’s the autism or the depression. Maybe I’m just naturally fucked up. Whatever it is, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m stuck here. All because I made that stupid promise.
So how was you guys’ Monday?
This post is to serve as my introduction to the Suicide Project as well as a kind of flippant virtual testament.
Had I been told one year before that I would be deeply suicidal and humbled beyond all conceivable limits, I would have laughed.
So here I am again. Same old lame things. Depression, anxiety. But this week I’ve had a very special guest in my life: rejection.
It’s not that we hadn’t met before. Oh no, we’ve always been pretty close. But this week we really connected.
Being the weirdo doesn’t really get along with depression and anxiety. Specially when you’re the only girl at work who wasn’t invited to the farewell party. Feeling 15? Well I am 25 and this is still hitting hard.
Friend stood me up and made it pretty clear that she doesn’t really care about me.
Crush has been making my life even more miserable for the 4 1/2 years since I met him.
My professional life is doomed, I don’t see myself accomplishing big things or having big promotions. I am mediocre and that is a fact. I’ll never be outstanding and no one expects me to be.
But living in a world so competitive, seeing my brothers do all these amazing things and being in steady relationships makes me question if a gene didn’t work for me the way it did for them.
Anyway, is not that they care about me.
Maybe they’ll cry when I do it. When I kill myself.
And maybe…that’ll be my biggest accomplishment.
I want to drag you in
Deep inside me
Deep inside the blackhole with me
I want you to know my sadness my sorrow my darkness
But in the end I cant tell you
You have problem too
I know mine is so much more
But I cant give you more sadness more sorrow more darkness
When you said you bring bad luck to people around you
How can I say that Im not alright
How can I say that I have depression
When you are just my best friend
When you said about your best friend death
When you said your ex gf have cancer
How can I say I want to die
How can I say my precious one have cancer
And when you said Im your only best friend right now…
Let me cry
I must apologize in advance, because I’m going to put a lot of videos and articles in this post and it will probably occupy a lot of space on the starting page of this site (needless to say, feel free to write your opinions about euthanasia in the comment section).
And a PDF about euthanasia in Belgium:
I’m not sure how things will turn out. I’m not sure if people who know me will see this. But I’ll just leave this here, just in case…
*** *** ***
I’m really sorry.
The last few months.. No.. the last few years have been extremely difficult for me. I’ve been sick on and off. I was left without any idea of what to do. My options were gone, dashed with the end of art classes and painting. I couldn’t try and force myself into the resto+bakeshop seeing that things had changed so much from when I was there that it was dizzying just to try and keep up. Aside from how toxic the place has apparently become that you were forced out too.
I’m sorry I turned out a loser, a magnet for bad luck and failure, even my art – painting, comics didn’t want me. All those failures sting to this day and its something I always carry with me no matter how hard I try to leave them behind.
I used to think that there was still some hope that things would work out for the better, that things wouldn’t be so bad, that I could finally find a place or a situation that I’d be really ok in, ok with.
I never wanted or dreamt of anything too fancy. Just a place where I and the people I’m with could be at peace.
Sadly that hope never materialized, and the way everything is going now, all around, it likely never will for me. Because thats how it has always been, how things have always turned out.
I’m tired. I’m so tired of smiling and pretending. Of trying to make small talk and jokes.
I’m tired of worrying and of being afraid all the time.
I hurt all over and in my head and no amount of medicating can fix this. Besides, all that medicating, therapy.. its just so darned expensive.
I’m really sorry to have become a disappointment to everyone.
To be dead weight that people don’t know what to do with or have trouble relating to.
I tried to hold on. I tried what the others were saying.. wait a few days.. wait a few days.. what’s a few more days to forever?
But things have not improved. I still hurt. I still feel worthless. I’m still afraid all the time and it’s so hard to feel at ease, at peace or to smile.
And I can no longer see any light ahead of me.
I love all of you, though I never verbalized it.
I love all of you, so I’m going, so that none of you should be burdened with me anymore.
I wish I had something better to leave behind. But being a loser all my life, I guess all I can give is to stop taking resources without giving anything back.
I’m really sorry.
I love you mom, little bro and little sis.
I love you K, and it was an honor to have known you and I’m ashamed to have taken up so much of your time. I hope you can forgive me somehow and move on since you have such a bright future ahead of you.
I love you all.
And I’m really sorry.
Please take care of each other.
Please take care of my cat.
Its been a rough few couple of days finding out the guy who is your best friend is also your crush I told him how I felt and now I regret it every single damn day because he doesn’t like me more then a friend instead he’s in love with his best friend she’s his lock screen and everything im not trying to sound jealous but im hurt because he knew I liked him and he never once told me about her so im really hurt and broken but what’s it matter right my life is shit everyday so fuck everyone im done 🙁 im don trying and im done confessing my feelings
*I really needed to vent before I take the leap tonight. *And yes, all of the info below is quite true.
Birthday is 12/30/75. I’m 5’0″, giant blue eyes, with long blonde hair…I had major back surgery, so I now have screws, plates and nuts drilled into my lumbar spine. I don’t sleep, I barely eat, I can’t work–I can only stand, sit or lay down for very short periods of time. I am suddenly homeless, I have no family or friends, I have zero income because I’m waiting for social security disability and cannot work. I have no medical insurance, so I am currently off all my mental health meds.(6 of them).I have major depressive disorder, severe anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, and panic disorder. I suffer from god-awful pain every single day. I am also currently off my three pain meds. I am suicidal every day, all day. I can’t believe I haven’t done it yet. I had 2 successful careers, making a very good income before I got hurt. My entire life was stolen from me. On top of everything else, about 4 years ago, my husband was violated on parole, with a bogus charge. I lost my 3 month old son, my husband, my apartment, all source of income. I’ve been railroaded by the Nj DYFS department, taking my son because I was on maintenance pain meds. The drs knew, they made sure I stayed on my pain meds, because I would have had a definite miscarriage. I’ve struggled to stay alive in homeless shelters, staying outside in the cold, couch surfing, and starving. I’ve been beaten, raped, beat with a pistol, robbed (including all of my IDs, etc), and so much more. I’ve had a completely miserable, poor, and difficult life as a whole. Before I got hurt, everything in my life had drastically improved-life was actually wonderful! I had all the bills paid without difficulty, new cars with my ex, we had a new home built, we had my daughter, and so much more.. How quickly an entire life can disappear! A person can take only so much terror, nightmares, heartache, and difficult times before giving up. I was currently with a boyfriend for the last year and a half. He broke up with me in September, leaving me noplace to live, etc… AGAIN, I have been struggling, and hating every minute of my existence. I would give up on my social security disability claim, and at least try and go back to work. But I can’t even do that because I have no identification. Nor do I have the money needed to request a new social security card, a new birth certificate, or new state id/license. I cannot even reapply for food stamps, a homeless shelter or medicaid again without those documents. I have no address to even receive mail, because I am now homeless. (and you need ID and cash to get a PO Box-I did try and look into that.) No matter what I do, I am just in a neverending, painfilled nightmare. I’m also heartbroken after losing the man I truly thought I’d be with for the rest of our lives. I have never needed anyone or anything in my entire life, but somehow he has my heart and soul… I am truly devastated. All of these things are so insurmountable, I just want to get out of this world- my nonstop mental and physical pain I constantly endure. I just needed to vent, before I take that leap tonight. I really can’t even wait. I just pray to God, that I’m allowed through Heaven’s gates, after having committed suicide. If possible, can you please say a prayer for me, as I could really use it right now? (as I said, I don’t have any family, or any friends to even help me with this void) thank you.
Suicide is always an option for me. Here’s what I mean.
Let’s say I lose my Car Keys. When I go through my head to assess my options, my options will look like:
1. Trace your steps
2. Replace the keys
3. Kill yourself.
It’s always there for some reason, in my list of options when I’m trying to solve problems. Isnt that ridiculous!? Even when I’m not depressed it’s like that.suicide
I would say I’m only mildly depressed right now, and that I’ve been working hard to make progress. I have made progress, lots of it. But it’s still there, like this annoying little whisper. I keep having to remind myself that things arent bad enough to warrant suicide. I know recovering is a process, and that these sort of things happen when you’re trying to improve. Doing my best to ignore it and keep going anyway. I guess I just never realized how destructive my own negative thinking really was.