Loneliness is killing me, if it didn’t already. So I’m trying to contact some old friends, because why not.? New people are assholes. All of them. Seriously. All. Of. Them. I’ve gained no new friends or even acquaintances. They’re unsocial, or at least towards me.
Maybe my depression is spooking everyone, even though I’m constantly laughing. My heart hurts so much with this heaviness, while being completely hollow. Anatomically impossible. I can’t take this any longer.
Some nights I lay awake and have an argument with my inner demons, whether I should just simply get up and kill myself. I should’ve responded with: Yes. Because it would’ve saved me from so much freaking misery. I should just accept, that no one will ever be interested in me. That people go out of their way, to just turn their backs on me, the second I begin to feel a friendship forming.
Just now, I’ve received a response from a girl, that I used to call ‘Kitsune’. At least, I thought it was her, according to her profile info, I was almost sure. It wasn’t her… Meaning, I have no anchor point, to search her up somewhere to talk. I just want one last talk with her, to ask how she’s doing… We were so close.
However I did have one good thing coming to me. Someone did actually reach out. I haven’t talked to that person for at least 5 years. But yet, it felt like no time has passed… She’s the only one, who gives me a little reason to think, that I’m not utter trash. My demons tell me, I should embrace it as long as I can. Because there will come a time, she’ll also be uninterested in me. She’ll get tired of being the smile of my day. Yeah, she will. You just wait and let me post yet another disappointment here.