It seems to go in a bitter, vicious cycle. I take meds. I get better. I run out of meds. I don’t have financial resources to pay for the meds. I find the resources but not before I’ve “detoxed” off of paxil, buspar and doxepin. Not pleasant. Then the cycle starts over. During the time I am “detoxing”, I usually try to call it quits. I push my family further away. I retreat into myself. I haven’t worked outside my house in 3 years. The cycle starts over. I’m tired of this cycle. I want out, I want it to end. I am tormented, and tired of putting on a show. I’m evil. I sold my soul to the devil. Send me to hell.
-tw ed- it’s been a long while since ive been even aware of my life, i literally just seem to be floating around.. my eating problems have gone through the roof and body dysmorphia is eating me up.. i cant seem to think beyond my reflection and even when i do other things im just suffocating. i cannot walk without feeling every inch of my body its killing me.. i go from days without food to multiple binging and purging sessions and god i feel so disgusting to purge in public bathrooms. im literally a mess but i go out of my way to hide it making me more of a mess inside. i dont know i genuinely am so endlessly numb that i dont think or feel or function anymore. like im stuck in an imaginary tornado, im just waiting for death because im too numb to even do it myself. i just wish a very stupid wish which i think is so ungrateful.. but i wish to just be thrown over a bridge or stabbed just anything very bad because i deserve that. i want to starve to death but i cant even manage to do that with all the self hate i have im such a fucking failure.
I’m someone who likes to draw, to edit pictures (especially of games) and write my own stories. This year something happened and I lost all interest for my hobbies. I’ve recently just started to regain some interest but… It’s like nothing I do, seems great enough.
I’ve also noticed my friends, that I always share it with, being rather uninterested. I’m not sure whether my perception is just ‘wrong’ or it’s really because I’m shit. I keep thinking: What even is the point of doing this.? If I don’t think it’s good and people around me don’t really care, then why do I waste my time.? I could rather just sit on the couch and watch my favorite series a fifth time with a bag of chips.
I’ve had some dark days lately.. You know it’s bad, when you casually throw around that you want to kill yourself or even just put it into a joke. Even when I didn’t do anything important, I’ve always put a lot of meaning into my art. It was always like: Wow, I actually did something with my day. But now.? I just want to be dead. I don’t want to write about depression. I don’t want to draw faces, that aren’t recognizable as living creatures. And I don’t want to edit something not so beautiful, into something beautiful.
The sad part is, my best friend always makes it about her, whenever I feel bad about myself. It’s unbelievable. I can’t even have an argument with her, she keeps saying: “It’s a pity you think like that (about me)” I had to tell her three times in the span of 2 days: IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.! My subtle hints of me being miserable, seem to go unnoticed. So I have to tell it, like it is.
Imagine building a minefield around a person and each time you add one more. And you see that person dancing around it. It’s infuriating, when no one gets my pain. I even told her very raw: “You may think, I’m being so dramatic lately and negative but truth is, even when I tell you so much, there’s just so many things I hold back. Things I do, to feel somewhat okay. And what I really fucking feel inside.”
You want the truth.? I live with myself every day and yet… I can’t even put what I go through into words. Maybe I feel like: Oh, yeah this is actually what everyone does. But it’s not.!!! I have a friend, who has about as much social anxiety as me and she explains her daily struggles and I’m baffled how much those sound like my own fears. Or even quirks, she does, whenever she’s scared or tired or stressed.
I can write complicated characters in my stories, but I’m not able to understand, what is actually wrong with myself. If I’ll ever write a book about my life, don’t buy it. It will suck. Truthfully spoken.
I never say this, but thanks for reading this pathetic post… (I did it again, telling myself, that I’m shit)
I don’t know why I feel like this. I feel worthless. My ex has ruined me, and I cant move past that anytime soon. I can’t do any of my work for school…I’m 3 weeks behind. I just wanna fucking die. My ex just up and left, No explanation no closure. I’m a pathetic excuse of a son and brother, I can’t even do the simple thing of doing my schoolwork, I rarely leave my room and If I do its to grab food/ride around outside. I’m not sure what the point of my writing this is. I plan on writing my note soon. I feel completely abandoned, There’s no one left.
torched in a blackendd mirror
asleep among violets
amid sunrise catastrophe
i cannot live
“I don’t believe in luck! I create my own luck!”. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in life.
A friend of mine used to tweet a phrase that always sticks with me: “Some people are lucky, some people are not.” That was some years ago, and the more I live now, the more I see (& realized/learned) that it’s true. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in their lives. Or in life, for all that matters. I don’t know and I’m not sure if it’s due to the meritocracy thing (“If you work hard, you WILL succeed/reach success!”), or if it’s due to the ‘positive/optimistic’ self-help culture/trend/hype that is literally almost everywhere nowadays, etc etc. But I think it’s very naive, simplistic, & ignorant if people seriously believe that they control ALL and EVERY aspect of their life/lives.
Even the posts here in this website that will get popular & many comments, and other posts that get almost no view/comment or even banned/deleted (even though when they’re really good posts, but sadly just very underrated or underappreciated), it also has the ‘luck’ factor in it. And as a result (or even the fatal consequences), no wonder some people in this website will feel even more alone, unloved, nobody cares, and some of them will probably even decide to be ‘gone forever’ by committing suicide.
But back to the main point again: if you really think much more deeper, you will see that it’s all random (yes, somewhat nihilistic). Some people will win, & some people will lose. Some people will survive & live, while some people will die. I always view our human species just like those little ants: There are billions of them on this planet, and some will get crushed & die, while some other will survive & live. That’s basically our human life too. In fact, it’s ALL lives in this universe. Some will live; Some will die.
Lastly, it’s the same thing with all of us here who are depressed & suicidal. You take a look at all your other friends, family, colleagues, or people, and how they somehow are happy, or even successful, and then you think: “Why I can’t be like that too?”, even though you’ve tried or even work really hard. And then even when you eventually see how some of us in this website can finally recover, cured, healed, & finally lead a normal, happy, & successful life too, it will make you think the same again: “Why I can’t be like them?”.
I don’t know if it’s god, karma, universe, destiny, fate, or just simply pure random chances. But to say that you don’t believe in luck, playing at least SOME aspects/parts in your life, that’s just naive, ignorant, & too simple-minded. People who said that probably haven’t truly ‘open their eyes & wake-up’ to reality.
- In feb of this year i cut my radial artery in my wrist. I just lost my best friend my twin flame my guy. Never got to say goodbye or sorry. I have had many suicide atrempts unfortunately but this one amd the one previous should have been the last. I dont remember doing it i just remember holding my arm i realizing it was bad cause it was squirting like in the movies. . My first thought was not to get help it was to proceed to get into the bath tub and let it happen. Not sure how much time passed but i felt myself getting weaker. I could heqr my cousin in other room getting ready for her date. I eneded up calling her into bathroom only cause i couldn’t bear the fact of her finding me hours later in the blood horror ahow in my bathroom. . I received emergency surgery and told the heqd doctor the next day that my other personality that tkes over sometimes did it. Told her me personally the one shes speaking to didnt but i have a new issue on top of my bipolar and they call it dissociative disorder so i kinda blqck out. The hospital released me within 12 hours of major surgery with no counsling or mental health check. Since then i literally have just been coasting by on auto pilot. Not sure how i have kept a job or not burned down my house. I was teying to die and no one person reached out to just be an ear to talk to or a hug when i was at my lowest. Not sure why im posting this. Maybe cause im pretty low tonight and it just hurts to never be seen. I dont want attention but . . Yeah i dont k ow what it is i want or need. I just k ow its not this life
i can’t feel anything lately. right now i should be sad, a family member passed away yesterday. but i truly just don’t feel anything. it’s like i’m walking on air
that’s not new though, i’ve been struggling for a few weeks. recently, certain memories regarding childhood trauma have resurfaced, and i don’t know why. again, i’ve been struggling a lot.
i don’t know what i want to say, actually. you know how people sometimes change their personalities slightly depending on who they’re with? lately i had to create a new persona, let’s say. my mom said a few things on different occasions, so i decided to pretend to be the child that she expects me to be; well behaved, never angry, always caring and always responsible. it’s been a few weeks since i’ve had this ‘new personality’ and i’m Exhausted. it’s so annoying but it kind of feels like it’s my job to keep it up.
i’m pretty busy now though. i have to get good grades in all my classes while also managing household chores. at least i have things to do, though my motivation has plummeted a lot, but i manage.
tomorrow is my birthday and, even though i’ve never been a fan of it, i can’t wait for it to be over already. usually people feel obligated to be nice to you on your birthday and kind of when it’s almost the day, they’re all excited and ask you all about it, or at least that’s what i’ve seen my friends do. but i don’t know, even though i don’t want to talk about it, no one’s said anything. actually, my brother had to remind my mom several times because she forgot as she planned random things on that day or whatever. it’s kind of stupid, but i just feel a bit like i’m disappearing little by little. so slowly that not even i can tell that it’s happening.
it’s been a long time since i last actually talked about what’s been on my mind. mostly because no one bothers to ask, but i also just feel like they’d be freaked out. they’re not very nice thoughts after all. i’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately, actually. night after night, even multiple ones per night. that’s also exhausting. my head feels so heavy, i can’t even listen to music with lyrics lately lol.
ah, since i need to document this somewhere, i’ll write it here. a few days ago i actually got to “remember” the year in which something happened. for a while it’s been bothering me that i couldn’t remember at all the dates of certain things from my past. though, now that i know a date, i feel a bit relieved and also a bit frustrated. does my mom remember what happened? does she think i forgot about it? i don’t know, i feel like these are nonsensical thoughts.
my head feels heavy, it’s kind of hard to breathe lately. i feel like i’m thinking too much but i know that i’m actually not thinking at all. my mind is white, and it goes on and on. that doesn’t mean it’s empty though. i’m just waiting for brighter days
I want to die, the second that I wake up and realize where and who I am. I want to die, checking my zero messages on my phone from my friends. I want to die, listening to a gloomy song on loop, while brushing my teeth. I want to die, when I eat breakfast at 8 pm, even when I have cake in front of me. I want to die, trying to distract myself from this urgent feeling, by watching YouTube.
I want to die, when I crave for coffee and feel short happiness imagining the taste in my mouth. I want to die, standing on the balcony on a cool night, wearing not thick enough clothes. I want to die, finally talking to friends and them being disappointing as fuck, because somewhere in between I’ve imagined, how they are supposed to treat me. I want to die, when I turn off my phone and forget about everyone while I dissociate from my own self.
I want to die, because I think I’m pathetic for being this way and not being able to think ‘happy’. I want to die, while I repeat words like: pathetic, loser, emotional wreck in my mind. I want to die, whenever I made a plan to do something that’s fun and then doing it for five minutes and being upset, that it wasn’t fun as it used to be. I want to die, when I look at the clock to see, how I just wasted another day doing nothing and feeling miserable.
I want to die, when I get tired and am not ready to accept that this day is over yet. I want to die, so I can immediately fall asleep and not be up thinking of silly things that went wrong all my life. There may be seconds I don’t want to die. But that’s not enough to lead a healthy life. Does anybody die daily just like I do.? I’m so done… And I tell everyone that and no one understands, how serious I am.
It’s almost 4 am and I woke up twice from the darn fireworks outside, because there’s been a demonstration going on for a few days. This is such a bad idea, to post here, when I’m sleep deprived. But none of my friends are available to talk to, so you guys are all I got right now.
I’ve been having such a hard time, fighting off negativity. I feel like all my energy goes to telling my thoughts to shut the hell up, so in the end there’s nothing left for myself… I honestly don’t think that this is normal. Even when I try my best to blend out & blend in, it won’t let me.! I’m tired of being a pathetic human being, too caring for others, that they forget to care for me.
Oh – one friend just send me a voice message, no thanks… Do they really think I want to hear that at this time, at this moment.? I told them that and now they’ve vanished. Great. Maybe I’m strange, but I dislike voice messages.. Anyone else.? I’ve never send one in my life, I hate the way I sound and it honestly takes up more time for me, than type it out. It takes long, to form the words when I try to say something, writing is just the best and I’m glad I have this option.
I’ve got so much done lately and even just yesterday enjoyed playing the Sims again. I haven’t enjoyed anything really since March this year… And now at 4 am, I just don’t know, where I stand and where I’m supposed to go, after standing still on one spot for so long.
My best friend from America has been working a lot and couldn’t even write me at least one short sentence every now and then. I’ve been trying to be understanding, but they kept on promising me they try harder – over and over again. I’ve stopped sending them messages and as I suspected, there was no word for a while. And when they finally wrote me, I’ve been extremely distant to them. I was honestly disgusted at myself, for acting that way. And it’s more sad, to know, that there’s people that are actually that way on a daily basis.
I just didn’t want to wait anymore, because all I do all my fucking time is wait. I’ve slowly began to talk normally and the second I did, they forgot about me again… They’re being the idiot, yet I’m the one feeling stupid. And now they have vacation and I think, they can have that without me. I’m just so fucking tired… Thank you fireworks, that are supposed to bring joy, to making me overthink these things, when I should be sleeping.
I’ve always hated fireworks.
Life ask death
“Why do people love me but hate you?”
“Because your a beautiful lie and im the painful truth”.
No matter what you go through in life you always hear, “It will get better”. It didn’t and it won’t. I have no one to turn to and no one who would even care at this point. It’s not that I’ve ruined all of my friendships or I’m particularly mean, I’m just forgettable. I’m the person who will never be the favorite friend but would do anything for the people around me. Even my family I try to impress throughout all the abuse, sexual assault and negligence, I faced as a child I’ve still always tried to strive for their approval. In friendships, betrayal has come a normal but for some reason I can’t seem to get it through my head that they don’t care whether I’m there or not. Almost every relationship I’ve been in ruined due to either cheating, abuse or sexually assault. I’m starting to think it has more to do with me than them.
Lets say for argument sake, “It does get better” I’m not willing to wait anymore. I’ve reached my breaking point and I’m ready to stop the pain. The trauma never goes away whether I’m grieving over my dads passing or anything else I’ve dealt with in my life, it doesn’t get easier for me. I have a plan and I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.
To: Sister with a flower in the head
You are really greedy huh? You have been living well, have many friends, have lovely boyfriend, have your youth life without studying, hang out friends, eating good food, top three doctor college, but still you said you are jealous of me…
You said its not enough and you still need 1% of my happiness. How can you be so cruel as a sister huh? You want to play music like me, you want to be loved by parents like me, like me, like me, like im living with the best live more than yours.
Everyone can see even you can see even you said it yourself. Yes you are better than me. I said it here and there.
Like me you said? Feeling miserable 23 hours a day. Cant find what I want to do. I cant even recognize myself or my hobby anymore. My hobby faded so my happiness. My self love deteroriated. You can see a deep black under my eyes because i cant sleep at all. If you ask me why i cant sleep, its the headache or my ear keep ringing or my eyes like pressed by someone or i cant breathe sometimes or i got sleep paralyze. Sometimes when i finally got to sleep i wake up with miserable feeling. A dream of old memories like a torture. I hate this. I hate that. Ive been living with this for years. Even right now my head hurts like hell writing this. Its like my head going to explode.
If i can trade my life with you i would. I would. Oh i would. I dont need this music talent at all that i hate right now. I dont need my good voice at all that i cant even try to sing anymore. I dont need my dying parents love at all. Dont you see they love you more than me right now. You are succesfull and not like me a trash. I dont need my kind heart that always help people in need and now no one help me. You know it feels so lonely at night at morning at evening at afternoon. Locking myself in my room feel safer because i wont get hurt someone wont get hurt.
You know if reborn did exist i dont want to be reborn. At all. I want to be a void. Leaving this toxic world that even your family cant help. I have no regret leaving this world. Dont worry. Actually I will feel so muchh better. Like a bigggggg biiiiggg stone lifted up from me. Karma does exist and i hope you dont get one.
I still remember that you said depression too when your wedding plan got cancelled because of covid. Yes you sure about it because you are a doctor. If you really have one then why you did all this to me when you see i try to die 2 times and countless of time cutting and choking myself and hitting my head with things. I wonder why you said that to me. To die drinking rat poison. To die as fast as i can. I wonder why you said that. I really wonder why. But you know if maybe you really have one, i hope yours wont get worsen like me. Dont be like me. Its not good or happy at all or once. Its painful really painful.
I dont know what to said anymore. But if you find this web and my diary. Hi its your lil sis. Ive been searching for help for years. Ive been searching for love and hug for years. Do you remember that last time we hug? I dont think so. Be happy sis live well and wlak the flower path. Hey dont cry its okay its all in the past.
Once i said this the past is not a past. The past is what makes me right now. So the past is now. So i dont know. But yeah i know you will move on. Nice to meet you again here.
From : Lil sis with a mushroom in the head
It’s simple and I’ve come to accept that my life is a failure. I agree that not every living body has the ability to play this game. “Living” (game of life)
Mentally and physically the older you get the less you can control. What boosts your chances of having success is adopting early to the challenges we typically face has humans. Being social enough to have friends, learn to speak with strangers. Work hard and bring value to share with your family. Express emotions with the opposite sex to love and protect.
Ive took it all for granted.. didnt bother to learn from my mistakes. Continued to drift and bounce between self damages that are now my beliefs. I’m delusional. I’m scared to face my reality. What’s past my bedroom door. Crying from the intense observations of others. Having a mental break down just looking at others converse and laugh, enjoying themselves with others. I sence the world has past me by.. I just dont know when it happened and how long I have been this way.
I have a family I dont deserve because i dont know how to love.
I hate myself because I dont know how to forgive and forget.
I missed my opportunity… to grow. To be someone, who others wouldn’t mind to think and say something positive about.
I’m Less than Dead.
My name is Brody and I will try to build the courage to kill myself.
What’s on your mind, bud? Talk to me.
I know you came on this website to see what people have to say, to see if you can leave any comments. And I also know that you want to leave comments on people to help them with the shit they’re going through.
SCREW THAT. THAT’S NOT WHY YOU’RE HERE. YOU’RE HERE BECAUSE YOU NEED HELP, YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO’LL LISTEN.
I WILL LISTEN.
Leave a comment, let’s talk. I’ll listen. No judgement, no problem-solving (unless you want it). I’ll try my best to understand, I’ll try my best to here you until you’re through, and most importantly I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU. Talk to me, leave a comment.
To the admins: I’ve been here since 2012, if memory serves me. I’ve been to some of the deepest, shittiest parts of life and came back fighting with lots of psychedelics, booze, victories and losses. I’ve had an amazing amount of love thrown at me and have recently come back to this site with the intention of helping.
Burden. Inconvenience. Deadweight. Those are the words I’d describe myself as lately. I’ve taken a month break from any contacts to my friends. And guess what.? No one fucking missed me…
I’ve received a ‘hey’ from two people and that was it, they didn’t try again. They simply didn’t notice. They simply didn’t care. It was hard for me, I’m a very affectionate person. I didn’t want to let myself get dragged down by that though. So what, if I’m the person that keeps the contact going right.? Wrong. Super duper wrong.
Just everyone that comes along bails on me, I don’t understand why… I have so much to give, I can always hold a conversation and I’m not someone to let you down. It’s like, the more I give, the more it backfires. Us humans want to save time on many things daily and we invented things to make that possible. But never would I have realized, that they want to save time regarding social interaction.
The top words in today’s conversations are: ‘Uff, Ok, Hey, How R U, Yeh, Cool, Nice, Sup, lol, lmao, g2g’ Wow, I’m just thrilled over these.! Been looking forward to talking to people all day and getting one of these words back. Thanks for carefully picking these out for me, I feel super special. While you’re at it, throw in an ‘Emoji’ too.! Just love them.!!!!!!
Maybe I should give up on keeping friends already. They’re never there and if they are, they bore me to pieces. Is it possible I’m just overlooking the kind people, that are willing to have a nice conversation.? Where are the soulful writers, the clingy folks and those, that aren’t able to work/go to school due to whatever reason.?
I’ve opened up to a person today and she was heartfelt and told me how great I was. And then suddenly she made up some half-assed lie to disappear immediately. And I kept seeing her coming back online. That stings, am I really that bad.? I really felt like she was being genuine and promised that we would be there for each other. I’d have many stories to tell, of the times I’ve encountered assholes. But that would be as thick as a novel.
I keep blaming myself, that maybe I’m just not good enough and should just disappear from everyone’s sight. I already think I’m annoying and pathetic but others are really opening my eyes lately. So maybe I should thank them for making me see the truth. That I should just die. If they can go without me for a month, they won’t care that I’m gone.
Death gotta be easy, cause life is hard, it’ll leave you physically, emotionally and mentally scarred.
struggling to keep up in life cause of the vices i caught on during the last few years is making me go insane. my minds a mess, I can’t seem to find peace in anything and sometimes i sob up but don’t have a shoulder to cry on or people to fully express how i feel. I know life is hard but getting through it is even harder, at least for me how am i not supposed to be bothered when there’s literally no tunnel vision. Sometimes i have suicidal thoughts and sometimes i feel like its just a phase I’m going through. I often abused anti depressants and drugs to avoid this but i guess its time i got some help.
You’re on all sides. Speaking to me. Watching me. Breathing in my ears. I can feel you. I can hear you. You’re telling me I am not worth a shit. I believe you. I am not. Imminent fear. Impending doom. My heart beating through my chest, the inability to catch my breath. I want out. I am weary of this, I am weary of doctors, I am just weary. The weight of the world is on my shoulders, and I am collapsing. Free me. Through death. Slit my throat, jump from a high bridge to an unforgiving surface below, overdose. Free me. You’re inviting me to freedom through death. I just want out.
Every day its the same thing, a deep pain inside of me that pushes me to have no motivation or will to live. It just keeps getting harder. All the people in my town are stuck up and have huge egos. No one ever cares. It is so hard to live in a world where everyone can just betray and ridicule me. I don’t want to be on this planet but I don’t want to be selfish either. No one understands how much they hurt me and they continue to step all over me. One day I will believe things are getting better and be happy im still alive, but then everyday for the next year just pushes me to the edge. Ive been bullied every since I was little and now im just so fucked up I don’t want to deal with it anymore. this one girl from my town posted a video after me and my ex broke up saying “they just broke up, im going to get with him so she wants to kill herself”. everyone just tries to hurt me. I don’t know how I will ever see the good in anything. it is so hard to believe anything that anyone ever tells me because everyone lies and deceits for their own benefit. Everyone has always just used me, whether it be for a ride, some weed, or sex. it just feels so horrible being alive in a world where I have no power even over my emotions. I don’t want to be here anymore, I just make my parents so disappointed because I can’t do anything and I have anxiety attacks all the time. this isn’t what living should feel like. I don’t want to be alone anymore, I just want to go back to where we all came from.
I’m looking at this math class the way David saw Goliath… But I don’t have a slingshot. My brain feels like I’m a fucking retard. It doesn’t process math. It cannot get SHIT right. I’m so angry and frustrated at myself for being slow in the head. Fuck my life. I just want to die right now. I’m praying for cancer or a stroke. But the truth is I’m healthy. I fucking hate myself at the moment. I have so much homework to do and so little time. And I can’t even get it right apparently. I’m tired of life’s trials. I just wanted to be successful. Why is it that life punishes me with shortcomings at every mother f-ing step of the way. First depression then ADHD, then schizophrenia and now learning disabilities. Fuck my life dude I’m so angry my head hurts. I’m so sad about it all though. I think I’m going to sleep. Not because I’m tired but because I don’t see the point of trying anymore.