i’m so tired, it’s basically part of my personality now
I cannot stop the thoughts and images bombarding my brain day in day out. How can I stop this madness!?
This may be triggering for some, so dont continue if you think it will. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore…
Over the past three years, I have lost several important people in my life. Most of them walked out of my life purposefully without a goodbye; one died due to a disease we both are affected by. However, all of them have left me to wander through life stranded and alone. All of them took pieces of me away slowly and now nothing is left worth preserving.
So that is why I am here tonight: to tell everyone why I an ready and willing to […]
They ask me tell them everything and now I’m crazy. I tell them about my sadness. I tell them about my self loathing. I tell them about my secret desires to be dead. I tell them about this black pit I’m in.
They tell me I’m crazy
What a joke, now I’m supposedly possessed? Witch lady says she sees something riding on my back. Bring on the voodoo doctors and things that go bump in the night. Maybe whatever it is will get the job done right and quick.
I never had a reason to live before. Getting older, I spent years trying to find one. I tried family, I’ve tried friends, I’ve tried love. I’ve tried sex, I’ve tried drugs, I’ve tried money. Nothing works. Nothing helps the sadness. It never goes away. It just grows and grows and grows and grows until it pulls you apart; tearing the very skin from your bones. It’s leaves and stems drenched in your blood and tears. Agony isn’t the word you’re looking for, it’s despair. You will always have these seeds of misery rooted in your soul. Your emptiness is the soil and your hope […]
Now I lay me down to sleep
Lord, I pray my soul you keep
I lean forward and push off the edge
I fall into a fog falling falling
With two downward thrusts I rise Above the fog. My wings are beautiful
I glide effortlessly through the clouds
Here is where I belong
Gliding effortlessly through the sky
Here I am powerful
Here I am hero
Here my dream is endless
My God sees me not
My tears fall unchecked
My screams go unheard
Why am I damned?
Why am I unforgiven?
Why my god why?
I am broken
Sleeps sweet release
Sleeps sweet embrace
Is death better?
Will I dream in death?
Can I be and do things unimaginable
Can I be a man?
Can I stop being the Nowhere man doing nothing for nobody?
I will leap into the blackness
It will take me
It knows that I belong
I don’t belong here
I belong there…
dead
Been in this prison for years
My enemy
My biggest enemy
I hate you
I hate the sight of you
I wish you were dead
I hate you with all my being
I dream of putting a gun to your head
I dream of pulling the trigger
I dream of you with a rope around your neck
I kick the stool from under you myself
You stupid reflection!
I feel the need to write here, because i’m back. back in this place I foolishly thought I could escape. I thought I could stop myself from drowning in my own head, but I can’t. I guess you could say this drop back into the abyss started with the first time I ever felt like this, but that’s another story for another time.
I feel this deep sorrow within myself, it always comes back. I find myself staring out the window at dawn, the soft pitter-patter of rain hitting the ground, the roof, and the trees. I find myself looking at the sky, which has a […]
Today commemorates eight months since I have gotten the urge to turn to this forum. At my last visit, I was broken, and quite humorously, at this visit, broken no longer can summate my existence. In exactly one year, I have had few victories and so much pain and deception that I have crawled back into the safety of my introvercy. Since my last visit, (when I was a 18 year old bum, not attending school) I have made some progression. I currently work, go to school and volunteer regularly but my battle scars are still present, Scars that refuse to heal, scars which threaten […]
So this is my first time posting here. I’ve had depression for about 1.5yrs. Something I don’t really understand is why people don’t really understand what depression really is? Why are other things that are so pointless, educated in our lives like maths or science. I know there is so much to learn in this world but I guess you need to really feel it to know what it is.
Do you think killing your own self is worse than a terminal disease like cancer or even killing someone else? How hard would a decision like that be to kill your own self. Contemplation is my […]
I am here to tell you one thing. Death isn’t my solution, it is my hideaway spot. The place I dream about when things get bad, the place I think about when I want to end things, but cant bring myself to do it. I find it comforting to dream about what could be if I died, but then it begins to scare me, it begins to make me feel alone, and sometimes I don’t know what to do. How to handle life, how to keep going. Im so tired of struggling, so tired of living off of nothing, having to rely on others, I […]
I’m eighteen, I’m a senior in high school, and I’ve attended four different high schools, one for each year essentially. I’ve suffered from depression since I was eleven (due to childhood abuse), and during the beginning of my sophomore year, I suffered from my first severe flash back starting my downward spiral of PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder. During the fourteenth week of school that year, I was admitted into a private mental health facility for inpatient treatment. I was there for eight days, and right afterwards, I attended iOP which is intensive outpatient; it lasted for six weeks. So I was gone from school […]
I always feel the same pain, the one that tells me that whatever I do, it will never be enough for me and for others. I am convicted. Convicted to live, to never be happy with myself. And even if it’s just an ephemeral feeling, what is the point to see that only after ? Everything will have been said and done, and I don’t want to be relatively satisfied with my life only when I look back. Because it will be too late. But too late for what ? I can’t even say.
How to live then ? And above all why ? I can’t […]
Hockey season is starting and already there has been lots of drama in my team. It really doesn’t have much to do with me but being around it and talking to people about it got really stressful. Although it’s mainly over now I am still tired from it and already made me feel really down getting into the season. My club games have already started and I’ve played pretty average. I always feel like I’m letting me team down ever since my Dad told me in the car before a game that I was letting the team down and I wasn’t doing good enough. I […]