I’m eighteen, I’m a senior in high school, and I’ve attended four different high schools, one for each year essentially. I’ve suffered from depression since I was eleven (due to childhood abuse), and during the beginning of my sophomore year, I suffered from my first severe flash back starting my downward spiral of PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder. During the fourteenth week of school that year, I was admitted into a private mental health facility for inpatient treatment. I was there for eight days, and right afterwards, I attended iOP which is intensive outpatient; it lasted for six weeks. So I was gone from school […]
Category:
Chronic Pain
I always feel the same pain, the one that tells me that whatever I do, it will never be enough for me and for others. I am convicted. Convicted to live, to never be happy with myself. And even if it’s just an ephemeral feeling, what is the point to see that only after ? Everything will have been said and done, and I don’t want to be relatively satisfied with my life only when I look back. Because it will be too late. But too late for what ? I can’t even say.
How to live then ? And above all why ? I can’t […]
Hockey season is starting and already there has been lots of drama in my team. It really doesn’t have much to do with me but being around it and talking to people about it got really stressful. Although it’s mainly over now I am still tired from it and already made me feel really down getting into the season. My club games have already started and I’ve played pretty average. I always feel like I’m letting me team down ever since my Dad told me in the car before a game that I was letting the team down and I wasn’t doing good enough. I […]
I had posted before about what happened to me and what occurred.
Now things are getting worse. I learned that an injury I suffered due to the abuse will require surgery and the surgery most likely won’t stop the pain. My insurance won’t cover it and the other pain treatment that they would do can’t be done because of other health issues I have.
I also just diagnosed with another painful debilitating medical condition 2 weeks ago and was told that in a yer or two i won’t be able to walk that well and will be in more pain due to severe arthritis. I’m having to […]
A Suicide Note To Myself (AKA, More Bullshit That I’m Too Self-Centered To Keep To Myself)
written by AKidWithAName
DEAR FUCKING ME,
As of yesterday, I’ve officially come across the most miserable day of my year: the day of my entrance into this god-forsaken abyss! Who wouldn’t want to remember my birth, where I nearly died twice before I even got out of my fucking mom (who didn’t even want me, by the way). I really must’ve fallen short; birth is an easy time to die.
I could always blame it on the sadists the world calls doctors. They didn’t really want me to live either, I’m sure (who could fucking blame them?). Unfortunately, their job calls for them to try to keep even the most […]
Every day is filled with intense emotional pain. I obsess about killing myself all day long from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed and all the times I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep.
But, I have three wonderful dogs. I will not leave them. Two are very old and won’t be with me much longer. Losing them will be devastating. But I would rather suffer through that than kill myself after they pass because I can’t stant the thought of my third, much younger dog going to a shelter only […]
good thing for this site. it helps me remember when i last cut and other forgettable moments i can review later. so.. two or three days ago i cut for the first time after six clean months. like always, i don’t feel bad about it/regret it. i know it’s what i needed that moment and that’s all i had in my power to do to ease the pain. overall, i sense that the frequency of cutting has gotten rare, so that’s good, right? the pain sometimes is just too big to handle..
anyway thanks for taking the time to read this.
oh, and please don’t judge/preach […]
All my life I’ve tried to do the right thing and all my life I got pain and abuse.
Years back everything was destroyed by a hurricane and lost that I owned and my health started to fail.
In 2014 my father died due to med mal. I’m on disability having gotten a severe debilitating condition. I’m in massive chronic pain. Greedy relatives tried to the little money my father had.
I have no one to help me.
In 2015 I got abused by 2 medical facilities and imprisoned in one due to a false statement someone made. I witnessed an African-American beaten by hospital security severely in the […]
A few days ago, a classmate noticed the cuts on my wrist.
Today, a friend of mine saw the cuts too.
I told them it was nothing, that I only got them for being mean to cats (Don’t get me wrong, I love cats.). I know what I said was such an awful thing to say especially when even you can see the truth beyond your own lie. It’s just that I couldn’t quite think of anything to use as an alibi anymore.
I’m afraid sooner, more people would start to notice the slashes on my wrist and think I’m a weirdo, or worse they might think I’m someone […]
Last year, I started suffering from depression.
Last week, I started cutting.
Last day, I cried and told myself how ugly the wounds look.
I’m not used to seeing my left wrist so jagged and so scarred.
Is it normal to love and hate cutting both at the same time?
To love and to hate. Two contradicting things I always seem to clash together.
Would a person die when he’s dead?
Or would he only feel more pain?
I knew I’m already suffering from depression a year ago but it’s only last week that I started to hurt myself physically. It just happened. I don’t even know when or how something sharp came into my hand to slit my wrists. All I know is that I shove it on my skin and felt the burning pain beneath. And that it felt so good. To finally feel the pain. To finally divert my attention on my bleeding wrist rather than what I feel inside.
It was the time my brother came to yell […]
I never wear regular or low rise jeans. Not because I’m insecure about my body. Not because I’m “in love” with the high-waisted jeans. It’s because I cut myself on my hip. Lines and lines of tiny cut marks all over. I cut my hip and watch the blood flow and relish the pain. It’s the only thing that stops the pain inside my head.
Hi. I’m back. The day was the same like any other day. I feel hopeless and I still made bad decisions. I made everyone around me mad. haha. I never change, do I. I always make things worse. I want to die. Last night I confessed to a friend about what’s happening to me. Know what he said? he said everyone experienced what I’ve been experiencing now. He said I shouldn’t let everything affect me. That I should just be positive cause I’m not the only one who’s suffering in this world. I shouldn’t be selfish he said. haha. They are all the same. Always […]
My humanity is rehearsed; I am merely a set of learned & adaptive responses.
by NoOneIsHere
written by NoOneIsHere
As a teenager and through my early twenties, I used to think that me being alone was because the world was full of **** and that I was being graded on how well I conformed. But over the years I’ve begun to see that I’ve failed everyone in my life. I don’t know how to be a real person. I cannot give people what they need. I know the words but I don’t know how to speak the language. And I can no longer delude myself into believing the world is at fault while pretending that I’m not an empty shell of a human being. […]
My mind is my worst enemy. I’ve screamed until I lost my voice over my mind just standing in the kitchen screaming and screaming and screaming! I’ve been getting mental health for years but those people don’t know how to help yiu.
Even when I get myself to a level where I say hey, I think I can live with nyself, MY LIFE GETS RIPPED APART! Every time without fail. Everything ends, no matter how hard yoyo try, even good feelings will pass but bad feelings pass and get replaced with worse. So much crying pain, even physical pain with back problems from numerous car qrecks, […]
What a mistake…
I thought I could get better, but that’s not really what happened. Everyday is basically the same. Not a lot of interesting things happen in my life. I guess I should accept that this will always be this way.
I’m sorry, I’m not your hero anymore…
This is my first post here. I just followed around anonymously but I need somewhere to put my feelings right now. I can’t tell anyone in my life and…and I feel safer here.
I’m tired.
I’m tired of living, of existing, of breathing.
Of waking up in the morning and my first thought being “why couldn’t I have died in my sleep?”
I’m tired changing myself so I’ll stop hating myself and if not working.
I’m tired of hurting myself.
Of being hurt by others.
I’m just tired of being tired.
I have no future, no life, no ambition for anything.
I’m not living, I’m on […]
I have officially made up my mind and am at peace with it. Time to say goodbye this weekend. I wanted to go earlier but one of my daughters birthday is tomorrow so I am going to wait.
I learned that due to my NP hydrocephalus that I am about 18 to 24 months away from suffering the same symptoms as those with CTE. It is almost like dementia. I do not want to sit and be a burden to anyone. Especially do not want to be a burden to my soon to be ex wife and my kids. I think I have come to peace […]
I’ve overcome so many things in my life; a majority of it has been surviving my parent’s verbal abuse and neglect and the overwhelming feeling of being alienated by society.
First of all, I wouldn’t say they’re terrible parents, but every root of each and one of my problems always goes back to them, and it brings me pain that I know that I have to move on since all the damage is done, and nothing will come out of blaming them until the day I die.
It’s hard not to wish for their death, it’s far easier to think about suicide. I’ve developed this inane fear […]