This probably will wind up as an incoherent mess, but when is it ever? If my mind wasn’t muddled, would I be writing this? Would anyone of us be? Probably not.
It feels strange to write about this in a public space. But it’s easier than to be judged and mocked by those we care for. Or simply told by our friends and family that we are horrible and selfish for feeling these suicidal urges. They care for you, don’t get me wrong, but they never do seem to know what to do but defend themselves.
“I want to kill myself.” Poor wording, I know. […]
Chronic Pain
Today has got to be one very hard day… All i seem to think about is the death of my girlfriend and daughter during childbirth. Their watching over me i believe. I want to have them next to me. You guys obviously know the reason i am depressed. Let me go into detail, I was watching my girlfriend, she was 16, give birth to our child. I was in the hospital room and watched the whole gruesome death. She was already in labor giving birth too Arial Hunter on 4-20-2015. Ella was laying saying “i cant, i cant, i cant” i was holding her hand […]
I just discovered this site and i felt some of the pain others expressed and it made me want to express mine that I feel like I couldn’t express to no body in person Bc they tell me something in response I could of told myself.. you know the pep talk or some bullshitt of telling you the reality of things.. fuck yo I know.. I hate hearing that shit.. what people think you should do or have to do.. it’s annoying so I don’t bother talking about my feelings with people who seem to just give you a common sense idea to help you.. […]
From time to time I still find myself overwhelmed and just wishing all was over. I fear this will never fully go away. It’s been building up for sometime now. Longer than normal, stronger than normal. Ever so slowly imploding. Back to drinking myself to sleep cause I really don’t know what else to do. Even that has it’s limitations. Work is what I use typically. Just focus on it day in day out. Let’s me simply ignore or avoid what I can’t handle or can’t control…….that’s becoming me now though.
It’s past midnight where I live, and I’m still awake. I’m still awake after taking my remeron, staring at mt celling in the dark. My mind is racing.
It feels like it can’t stop. Or won’t stop. Whatever, it’s not like I’m used to by now. It’s overwhelming living like this, it really is.
Every time I think things are getting better, it’s like something else happens that makes me feel like absolute shit again. It’s hard to find hope when every time you think you found it, it slips away from you.
I know I’ll never be good enough. I know my parents would rather I […]
I feel so alone, as if I am not good enough.
Today I almost suffocated from my own self-hate. Sigh, not literally, metaphorically. There were so many people in the bathroom all of a sudden and I could not cry, I had to hold it in for approximately ten minutes while they fussed over their picture.
I have lost multiple people in my life. Many, many people. It hurts, I thought they would live forever, they would never leave me, but no they didn’t, people never do. It’s all my fault, all mine, they left this world, and I probably caused it… I was young, so little, my adoptive mother/great great grandmother loved me, hated me, protected me,exposed me, hid me, hurt me, but she kept me alive, she died when I was around seven. All I remember is her in the hospital bed with pictures of us taped to the many wires which were connected to her. She died, with […]
Does drinking make you suicidal? What do you guys think of drinking when youre sad? Does weed work better than alcohol as a coping mechanism?
Human’s Imagination / Humans’ Imagination / Humans Imagination is better than Reality
Human’s Imagination / Humans’ Imagination / Humans Imagination is better than Reality
Movie / movies is better than reality / real life / real world
Video game / games is better than reality / real world / real life
Novel /novels is better than reality / real-life / real-world /
Sci-fi / Science-fiction is better than reality / reallife / realworld
Fantasy is better than reality / real world / real life
Anime / manga is better than reality / realworld / reallife
Dream / dreams is better than reality / real-world / real-life
I hate reality !!!!
Reality it’s all about MONEY !!!!!!
Reality is BORING […]
it needs to be perfect. everything you do needs to be perfect. you need to be perfect.
those are just a few of the thoughts racing around in my head, each and every day. its not like my parents had anything to do with this, no, its all me. im always worrying about everything, always tense, always wanting whatever i do to be perfect.
because i want to be perfect.
what a silly thought right? no one is perfect you might say, or we all have our flaws, or its okay not to be okay. but no, to me, its not. its all or nothing in my […]
So. Here you are. Reading a note from some strange Internet lemon about how they’re gonna kill themselves.
Well. I guess it all started when I was a baby lemon. I was raised by a robot mother. I went to school- hmm? …. what’s a …fah-thur? Anyway. At about 9 I had my first existential break down and tried to hang myself. The pole broke (silly lemon) and hit me in the head and mom came home and didn’t suspect a thing and I didn’t reattempt because she was home. I’ve been cutting since then as a secret solution. A self cutting lemon. Bitter and bleeding.
I’ve […]
The minutes are torturess. It’s as if someone is screaming inside of me. My life has become unbearable.
But suddenly now I’m at peace, with the concept of death. I’ve reached the point where I’m okay with how I feel. I accept it. I accept that my life may end with an impulsive slit to the throat. I accept that I may go on for a lifetime feeling this pain and enternal hurt.
I accept these things, but it doesn’t mean I’m no longer aching inside. Because I am. I still have this dull heavy pain in my chest but I’m no longer fighting it. […]
Do You Really Want to Die or Do You Just Want Your Pain or Your Struggles to End?
There is a difference. And a BIG one.
…problem is, how to tell?
Hello friends. If anyone has suggestions on how to at least cope with the persistent pain of being alive when you don’t want to be, it’d be most welcome. Or just feel free to share whatever’s on your mind. I have gotten to the point of drawing nooses in my course syllabus. You know, like an emo high school MCR fan, except I’m 22 and too old for this juvenile behavior. I’ve gotten to the point beyond tears, where all that remains is a constant dull ache in the chest. Like I’m lugging around weights. I hate going to school, but all other avenues in […]
The doctors fucked me up on meds. Forced me to take antidepressants after id already had serotinin syndrome…then i smoked a load with the stress, and had oxygen after to try and fix things…causing more damage, a day in the life of me is like imagine wearing earmuffs, with a car alarm sound 24/7, while your vision is like a home video recording shaking, with the brightness on zero and color turned down, with a bad aerial connection, and you have lead weights strapped to your arms and legs and a jug of water on your head….my little fingers hurt and dont move properly, and […]
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my near-monthly shout into the void called the internet! Today, we present the second installment of a worthless piece of dog shit trying to reconcile their guilty conscience to no avail!
God, I am such a freak show. I’m not even saying this shit to be “edgy” or whatever. I am actually fucking hilarious to watch. I’ve been replaying memories of my worthless life and let me tell ya, it could win a fucking comedy award. Hok shit.
So, first, I honestly thought that my parents wanted me. Holy fuck, that was a good one. My parents? Ha. Wanting me? God, it’s […]
Hello everyone, my name is Daniel, and I think I’m going to commit suicide very shortly, I want to anyways, not sure if I will though, since things in life change so much, but I hope that moment arrives in a week or two. I don’t know where to start, I’m done trying to figure out why I’m like this, why I have suicidal thoughts, why I cut myself, why I feel so much pain all the time. It sucks, it really sucks to be this way, I don’t believe in destiny, but I cannot avoid feeling like I am trapped, and have absolutely no […]
every 40 seconds someone in the world dies by suicide.
every 40 seconds i wish i was one of those people.
i wake up and look at myself in the mirror and hate who i am. i hate my skin, clothes, body face; you name it. it wasnt always like this, really. i used to be so fun and joyful and happy.. what happened? i would die to go back to those times when i loved myself, when i was content with life, when i smiled every day. my life feels like a series of unfortunate events, just happening one after another. its funny because from […]
Last Thursday during a period of mania I quit a job of 6 months. Went to the beach and put my ‘hood’ on. As I prepared the tank it occurred to me that I hadn’t removed personal effects from my friends house where I landed in June after leaving the hotel. Didn’t want to burden anyone having to root through my stuff.
Called a crisis line a few hours later ending up volunteering to admit myself for this crisis.
Now several days later, really kick myself for not going through with it. I was in the right frame of mind and more so a valid reason to […]
Sometimes I question, why am I still here? I feel like crawling under a rock and stay there. One time I feel okay, next time I feel completely sad. I’ve deactivated all of my social media, not like anybody actually cares. My friends and family won’t even notice my absence, Maybe after 6 months I guess. Nobody really cares about me.