I like to take long showers. Under the falling water, the mud that covers my body constantly disappears. They know that, so they don’t allow me to take long showers.
I like to make myself scars. I obviously don’t like the pain that it implies to make them, but I like to have them. The bigger the better. No, not in the wrists, that’s disgusting. On my chest, on my stomach.
Why? Because I like to see a physical proof that I’m fighting, that this horrible war isn’t just inside my head.
I like to see myself in the mirror to watch my scars. They […]
Thanks to those who responded to my first post. It was nice to be heard.
It was another horrible morning. I wake up in so much physical and emotional pain. I don’t know how much longer I can take it.
Sometimes when I’m out in my car I just want to close my eyes and let my car soar off the edge of the road or something. I wonder if in that instant of being airborne I would have regrets and want to go back.
This is probably the only place I can say it: one of the reasons I haven’t done it yet is because I’m afraid I’m […]
Hi
I stumbled onto this site when I was ranting to Siri about wanting to end my life. And I really do. I don’t have a plan, I just want to die.
My life has just been one chronic pain after another for three years. A botched biopsy of my lip left me with permanent nerve damage in my lip which led to digestive problems, which led to severe weight loss, which led to muscle atrophy, which led to more pain.
Last year I had breast cancer and a mastectomy. I’m done with my breast cancer treatment but not over the pain of the loss. People say I’m […]
Sometimes I can no longer cope with anxiety and dark images/feelings in my head so I hurt myself, I waste time, I waste opportunities, I waste myself. I once was a rather clever child but now I am stupid distracted and numbed by all my fears. An ancient monster from the past, doing really dirty things. But I’m afraid of making him human so I did’nt ask for his name. My mother want this story to be burried and forgotten but I don’t no what to do. I hate him and I hate myself at the same time, and I wish he could fall and […]
“You should try and see that things are not that bad”. How many of us have been told they should try to be satisfied of their life? I don’t know how many time people reproach me that I was not happy. After all, I graduated from highschool, I went in to university I wanted to, I even managed to have friends. .. Maybe they are sick of seing me so pale, so stressed out, so weak I can understand they don’t want to take the risk of being unhappy themselves. But sometimes I’m so mentally tired of dealing with my pseudo normal life and normal […]
Sometimes I think I’ve legitimately gone mental. My mind constantly feels like it’s spinning like that gravity ride thing at the fair (some of you know what I’m talking about lol) but it gets to this point where I lose sense of my own being, and I feel so weird and abnormal, and sometimes like a different creature or a different kind of being. I can’t explain it, but my mind is a roller coaster and I think that one of these days I’m going to completely snap on myself.
And the worst part is I don’t even OWN a dog.
Anyway, woke up today with a terrible earache, which probably means my ear infection came back.
Hurts to eat or drink anything (chewing and swallowing, ouch).
It even hurts to talk.
So here I am, sitting quietly at home, eating and drinking nothing.
It’s been a long time since I posted something here again. So here I am, still alive. Remember my post entitled “April 2”? that should be my date of death. I should’ve been dead by now. But still, I’m alive. But now I wish I wasn’t. I regret choosing to live again. I thought everything might turn out good this time. I tried changing. But every time I’m trying, something bad always happens and it drags me down deep. And when I thought I was getting better, it turned out worse. As usual, I still do self harm scars. I still think about suiciding. And […]
im completely out of my mind.
This is the first time im serious about swallowing a whole bottle of fucking pills. My head hurts and my moms pissing me the fuck off. Someone contact me i need someone.
Mood – Numb.
Conscienceless in thought – Extreme low.
Mental – Cognitive.
Physical – Certain areas of my back, neck, and face are screaming.
Emotional – Someone hold me and lie to me tell me it is going to be okay.
So I had an idea to write to my disease and see if it could respond. I want to know what it wants… I do not know. I am 31 or 32 years old I do not even know without thinking and I currently can’t really do that for the fear it will make me worse off. Get fired from every job I get because I have an “authority […]
Everyday I constantly think about ending it and I can’t stand it. I think now is the time to go. I don’t want to leave my family and friends but I don’t want to live in a world where I have to fake all my emotions to everyone. I tried to tell them but they ignored me. Nobody will take me seriously.
I want to leave today.
Things have gotten better. They really have. Ive got a new job now, helping out an old friend, my depression has subsided and im ready to get off the meds now, and i barely hallucinate anymore. It used to be much worse. I wouldnt eat. I wouldnt sleep. Or i would sleep for days on end without water even. My heavy self medication with marajuana and alcohol has turned into lighter recreational use, and i feel like that previously impregnable barrier between myself and others has subsided substantially. I feel like a human being again. I feel successful even. But really, thats the problem. It […]
That’s it. I’m a mess and I pray for this to be over soon. I’m in hell.
I’ve been flirting with suicide a lot more lately, and I’ve realized that it’s the only way out of the mess called my life. It’s shitty, but it’s what it is. I wasn’t blessed with a good life or happiness, I don’t get the same things other people get. This isn’t a suicide note or anything, just writing my feelings. But I’ve realized that the only thing stopping me from killing myself is fear. It’s a cliché fear but I don’t want to stop existing for eternity. I just want to be happier. And there’s a tiny bit of hope that I’ll finally be happy […]
I’ve had a fairly unsuccessful life, but I never wanted to commit suicide no matter how bad I felt. But four months ago in December, I come off of antidepressants, feeling I don’t need them anymore. I got my ears irrigated with water to remove ear wax by an incompetent doctor. A week later I get an upper respiratory infection and put on antibiotics and steroid drops for my ear. A week after that, I get tinnitus in one ear, which is constant ringing in the ears. At the same time I get interstitial cystitis which is bladder pain and I can no longer eat […]
From Canada, living beside toxic neighbours has drained me emotionally and I feel tired of keeping up with their negativity. Over the past few months, I’ve been dealing with anxiety to depression, losing sleep because of them due to littering, vandalism and etc. I want to catch them in the act but now they pretend to be all innocent on the outside.
I’m tired of feeling the need to protect my family and watch over my home from these malicious type of people who intend to do harm/damage/provoke us with their remarks. They simply don’t flick off easily even after putting up a “NO TRESPASSING” and “NO […]
Cerebral Atrophy.
“Generalized brain atrophy.”
http://www.healthgrades.com/conditions/cerebral-atrophy
It isn’t reversible. As you can read from that link, there is no cure, and no way to restore the lost brain cells.
Sometimes it can worsen into Alzheimer’s Disease, which is what my grandmother died of.
It was a hell of a horrible way to die.
Before it was all over, she spent years knowing NOTHING, and not recognizing anyone, not even her own children or grandchildren. The police found her walking down the highway in the middle of the night, carrying a towel and a bowl of potato salad. She couldn’t remember anything from one minute to the next. She […]
Hey everyone,
My story might not be important to most,but I’m writing this because I wanted to.I’ve been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder & Social Anxiety disorder for about 5 years now.Been hospitalized 2 times for suicidal ideation ,but as you can tell those weren’t really effective in helping me.Nearing Graduation now,I’m not really excited looking forward my future & such.I actually see my death kinda relatively close now that I think about it.Either it’s the nihilistic apathy that is slowly killing me or the reality check that is the real world.
For me,I’m naturally a cynical,misanthropic,and pessimistic person.That itself does contradict with my personality type which is ISFJ ironically.Ultimately I […]
I know some of you might be into deep holes right now and some were at the point of their life when all they want to do is to break down and cry, or even die. Yes, I do understand because even I myself can’t do this anymore.. but I’m still trying as long as I can. That’s why I am here not to tell you that ‘everything is gonna be fine’,’get up and it will get better soon’ or ‘put yourself together don’t be weak’ because even I can’t believe that it’s all gonna be alright. I’m not going to tell you the words […]
I’ve suffer from anxiety and depression for months after my relative just keep telling me “not to worry and let karma do the rest” about my neighbour from hell next door. Things didn’t get better but escalate for the worst. He never listened to me to be about being careful about those people trying to harm us/seek revenge and it is always better to stay safe than to be sorry. I tried very hard to stay positive and always strive to protect my home from these sort of jerks that try to provoke us with their words, kids playing on our driveway, and petty revenge […]