For non-suicidal topics that are fun, entertaining or informative.
okay, so i was just writing a post that gave everyone all the information that could possibly need and then some about any reason I may have for feeling blue. I had to stop myself mid way because I realized it wasn’t even helping me out. I was boring myself! Instead, what I am going to try to do here is just blurt it all out. Say what I’m feeling, maybe add a reason or two, and then move on to the next whatever comes to mind. I’m hoping this does at least a little something for someone if not for me.
worthless. I am feeling worthless because in the eyes of my son and his baby mama’s family, I am not an important person in his life and there is no need for him to bond with me or love or even know me for any reason. He’d be better off without me completely.
Empty – I don’t really know how to describe this one except to say that I don’t have so many of the important answers that I need so desperately and I don’t know where to find them. AND what I thought I did know, all seems null and void and completely irrelevant at this point.
Useless – I’m sure we all have this feeling from time to time but in all seriousness, I feel like I create more problems that there were before I cam along and tried to do anything helpful at all. I know what needs to get done, I know what needs to be done first and what can wait a half a day, but the second I start in on on thing, SOMETHING, ANYTHING, will get in my way and I will stop what I started or move on to another thing leaving my mess and my madness behind me. This does nothing but upset those that I live with and that have to deal with my insanity and constant searching for things.
Anxious – I’m anxious because I am going to have a procedure done for health reasons in the next 2 days and the thought of it alone scares me. Then add in what they could find and well I may as well be scared. I’m also anxious about the fact that they found a growth behind my knee that they are saying is nothing, i feel somewhere inside of me that it’s something,
I feel alone – lonely. – It is impossible for me to show anyone or explain to anyone what it is like to live one day in my life, let alone, in my head. It is a very dark, sad, cold, mean, and cruel place and when I slip and make a comment no one understands or I say something that is taken the wrong way, then I am not being “good”. It’s almost like I’m retraining myself more what behaviors are okay instead of what my mind is telling me vs what is actually happening. Either way, I don’t know anyone else that feels this was or deals with it. How can anyone relate?
Frustrated – I CAN’T GET ONLINE 95% OF THE TIME THAT I NEED TO FOR ANY REASON – email, posts, research, keeping in touch, maps, NOTHING! It’s very VERY frustrating.
scared – I am scared to death of a few things. They are 1) Loosing my man. the only person n my life who has stuck by my side and dealt with all of this bullshit and actually helped me to figure out what was going on. I’m afraid that one of these days, I’m gonna push the wrong button or say the wrong thing and then *POOF* there I am, completely alone again. 2) I am afraid that I will get in front of an ALJ who will decided that I do not need SSI or SDI an that I will be forever stuck in this financial black hole of a hell and never ever be able to move forward so that I’m near family. 3) I am afraid that my children are not going to understand me, accept me, or even want to deal with me once they all know all of the details about me and my diagnosis. I can already feel the barriers being built and see the walls going up. I am NOT going to be the one person that they can always count on or that they go to with their every need. I will most likely be last on that list.
and finally – ashamed. I feel ashamed because of what has become of me not just mentally but physically as well. I can’t smile any more cuz I’m missing most of my teeth (which let me just tell you does nothing positive for those age lines that need to stand out so amazingly!), I’m thin, always have been for the most part but I get judged negatively on that as well. My BMI is 22 but if someone asked you to guess you might be inclined to say more like 18. My hair is thinning, another side effect of years of psych meds and well, I have a deep voice with a smokers laugh. Cuz yup, I was one of those smart kids who started smoking at age 12.
So there you have it. Hopefully my next post will be on the positive ways that I am feeling because I will be done with my procedure, I’ll have my water turned back on again and maybe they don’t find anything crazy during the procedure.
Hope your better…..till next time.