For non-suicidal topics that are fun, entertaining or informative.
I LOVE Poppy seeds so I bought 25 pounds with the last of my amazon store credit. It’s just orgasmic. Everybody should try it. 😉 Question who thinks I’m really fucked up?
For non-suicidal topics that are fun, entertaining or informative.
from the depths of despair I wander
but not all who wander are lost
yet I am both
a wandering vagabond in search of answers i’ll never seem to find outside of my rib cage
my animal pen that keeps my true rage locked inside until it’s time to feed
hidden and looked over have I been for far too long
.44 magnum for voice box full of ammunition that’s begging to be fired
whoever gets in the way is irrelevant; the bullets are meant to kill
cause I’m killz and I was born in darkness
birthed in hopelessness and death themselves
i have seen the face of the reaper
and shes a pretty *****
sour stares from walkers by I sense the jealousy
i feel the purpose emanating from my stargates
my brown destiny finders perusing the atmosphere my greatness creates
i search for meaning
i scour the lands for a means of escape so I don’t resort to lethal routes
im a mad hatter with no direction except up
pulled by a string that takes me higher day by day
while my soul sinks lower and lower
anchored to lies I’ve held this whole life
it’s time to run
to fly away from misery
never let her break my legs again
because I’ve got my strength back
I’ve got it back.
and let me tell you misery — it’s always been there
strength only leaves when we believe we’re weak
belief is a priceless substance
weightier and more valued than gold
frustration inhales every impossible possibility
i look to the stars above but i hear a voice say look in the mirror
thats where they’ll be found
I look to the night sky for the werewolf rock that destroys my universe
the craters left from other rocket men who missed their mark
countless dreams blocked by this stone in the heavens
will that be my fate, O majestically torturous universe?
will that be my fate…
hate. hate. HATE.
a four letter word with innumerable ramifications
each with a butterfly effect eternal
flutter it’s wings here, flap them there
creating irreversibly dark shades in my black chest cancer.
I feel nothing and yet I feel everything bad.
i am contradiction at it’s finest
I want to wear make up and I want to smear it all over her face.
I want to wear a dress and I want to take her’s off
Society’s gender constructs were meant to be shattered.
everything is built to be destroyed
there is a time for laying foundation and a time for bulldozing it to smithereens
my identity is shaky yet it’s never been stronger
but fuck family
they say friends are family you choose but
I have no friends
friend is a word that does not compute
danger will robinson, danger
agh my pulse pounder is beating the shit outta my sternum
my heart is racing
but nobody can keep up with an ADHD soul like mine
cocaine was fashioned after my insatiable hunger for more
so again, I ask; heart, who do you race?
anxiety leaves this warrior distraught
panic if we’re honest here
panic stricken. an emotional apocalypse complete with different colored horsemen and an aztec calender that missed it’s mark
fuck me back to life. hard so I can get that rush I need
I’ve been to hell and back but they liked me so much they gave me an eternal five star suite
love is just evol spelled backwards
love is just future pain
love is just a mess
you finish that sentence because I need a fresh perspective
robust and ready to return to dust
today, in this moment, life is shit
but maybe happiness is the greatest myth ever told
I’m not chasing happiness
I’m chasing a void in my stomach that I can’t fill with chicken teriyaki or rice milk
I’m chasing an abdominal vortex desperately desiring destiny
What do you know about pregnancy?
I’ll tell you I’m about to come full term
the baby is almost ready
the alien is kicking and screaming to be unleashed
it’s time to be true to myself
to not fear my inner voice and rise above opinion and external contra-dick-shun
i falter but i never fail
but… you know I’m tired…right?
I’ve been using this hotline called Listeners. it’s an app you can download on your phone and you can call a Listener any time you want. It’s 100% free, it needs internet connexion thought but no long distance fee. The people on this are professionals with diplomas in psychology and they are paid. They are so nice and caring they really want to listen to you and help. I’ve made a friend with one of them. When you hang up you can rate them and they will then appear on your page so you can call them specifically when they are online. It’s only for canadian callers thought. Give it a shot if you need to talk to someone.
I hope you are doing okay.
I consider myself to be an Empath. You might be one too. It’s been extremely difficult to live and function in a society where people don’t really have empathy so it’s hard for them to really feel what somebody else is going through. And that’s why so many people are ruthless and cutthroat, you know. Being and Empath is like having a finely tuned ‘Bullshit’ Lie-Detector. It’s really strange to have the ability to really feel what other people are feeling because I don’t know how to handle and cope with it. Now, staying away from strangers is easy enough; I just don’t go outside unless I absolutely have to. And I personally believe that a lot of the craziness I feel is from strangers out in the world because it’s really easy for them to be harsh and cruel because they don’t know you. Once someone really gets to know you it gets a lot harder for them to hate you and have such charged negative feelings towards you, in my opinion. But also I feel really guilty because I have so much anxiety that I end up neglecting communication with my family and friends. I know that my family members love me (and some of them actually don’t, I literally can’t stand to be in their presence because of all the emotions they have and the ill-will that they harbor towards me). But for the people that actually do like me, it’s pretty hard to be around them too because as an Empath, their emotions take me on a roller coaster of up emotions / down emotions. So yes, they may very well generally like me, but I can also feel when they don’t.
I realized recently that people are very fickle. Because one moment may you say or do something that they like, and then of course they will like you. But then the next moment you might say or do something that they perceive to be wrong / undesirable then they usually won’t like you anymore and be distasteful towards you. Then a moment later, you might say something they like, then they like you all over again. And with family it hurts pretty bad because I kind of hold my family to a higher standard. I know everyone is not perfect, but I honestly do expect more love and understanding from my family. So if I’m on an emotional roller coaster with one of them, when their emotions that are about me go downwards, I can feel it so deeply. And it’s honestly a serious let down when one of them shows disrespect to me. I don’t think that I’m better than them, but it’s like I don’t want to have to take bullshit (B.S) from my family when I have to pick up B.S from everyone else. But I try not to get too upset or judge their feelings to harshly because folks are always changing. Everything in reality is constantly changing; and peoples emotions are constantly changing too. Change is unavoidable. And I can’t avoid people’s emotions for too long. We have to live and really try to be happy.
Getting some form of professional help can definitely help. Seeing a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist can help us learn to cope with some of the different forms of Anxiety and Depression that we might have. That kind of therapy can help us organize feelings and fears; and figure out what kinds of mental patterns that we fall into every time that keeps us in the states of anxiety and depression. It can helps us to be more well-grounded and rational whenever we pick up on someone else B.S. Also, it really helps to just get a lot of things off your heart and chest when you go to a therapist.
But many therapist are really great yet regular people and they’re not always going to understand our issues. Sometimes they might think that we’re delusional and psychotic, and some of us actually might be because of all the issues that develop from not being able to cope with the Empath ability. So if we can afford it, it’s good to try to see a Cognitive Behavioral therapist because we might actually have some legitimate disorders going on up in our heads that professional help can help with. But when it comes to the Empath stuff and the Intuition stuff, most people in the health field won’t be able to help with that because they don’t understand it or never heard of it before. So for our Empath ability stuff, it would be best to try and find a couselor or healer who does holistic and spiritual work.
ALSO there’s a book that I got my hands on through Amazon and I really think that you guy’s should get it. It is called “Become The Most Important Person In The Room: Your 30-Day Plan for Empath Empowerment”. **(I couldn’t wait for the book to come in through the mail so I got the ‘Kindle Edition’ for half the price.)** This book has really been life-saving because the author explains what it’s like to be an Empath, how our ability works, and how to control it. Becoming the most important person in the room doesn’t mean that you’re better than other people, but it does mean that as an Empath we tend to focus more on others peoples feelings and put their stuff first. The author explains how all humans have Auras, and that when an Empaths Aura connects with another person’s Aura, the two Auras merge and become one. The other person’s Emotional Stuff gets trapped in our Aura. And the other person may walk away, but their Emotional Stuff stays stuck in our Aura. That is why we feel everything so deeply. The book is like an instruction manual to: 1 — teach us how to understand the ability, 2 — learn how to clear out other people’s Emotional Stuff from our Auras, 3 — learn how to turn the Empath Ability OFF, 4 — learn how to turn the ability back ON and use it to be a skilled Empath. I’m in the first 10 days of the book, and I’m already learning how to focus on my own feelings and put my own feelings and thoughts first, not other peoples. And it’s not selfish, it actually does feel nice to not feel hurt when other folks give me their B.S.
September 2014, the quiet rural suburbs heard the screams of my partner, followed by the police and ambulance. Id followed through. I tied a slip knot made from high strength marine rope, tied it with a double hitch around the truss of the shed climbed 2 mtrs off the ground smiled at my partner and jumped off.
4 days later i awoke in a daze in icu on life support unable to move. I had broken my C1 and neurological damage was unknown. I was stabilized over the next few days and air lifted to our state capital some 350kms away to undergo further testing.
.. … I died 4 times the day i hung myself. In a coma for 3.5 days as well.
Sometimes I wish I never woke up.
The slam poetry scene in my state has been a veritable haven when I can actually get myself to attend an open mic/slam feature night. I hope this poem can help at least one person like it did for me.
Kait Rokowski – “A Good Day”
http://youtu.be/TjjaIwVxfTw (to see her recite it)
Yesterday, I spent 60 dollars on groceries,
took the bus home,
carried both bags with two good arms back to my studio apartment
and cooked myself dinner.
You and I may have different definitions of a good day.
This week, I paid my rent and my credit card bill,
worked 60 hours between my two jobs,
only saw the sun on my cigarette breaks
and slept like a rock.
Flossed in the morning,
locked my door,
and remembered to buy eggs.
My mother is proud of me.
It is not the kind of pride she brags about at the golf course.
She doesn’t combat topics like, ”My daughter got into Yale”
with, ”Oh yeah, my daughter remembered to buy eggs”
But she is proud.
See, she remembers what came before this.
The weeks where I forgot how to use my muscles,
how I would stay as silent as a thick fog for weeks.
She thought each phone call from an unknown number was the notice of my suicide.
These were the bad days.
My life was a gift that I wanted to return.
My head was a house of leaking faucets and burnt-out lightbulbs.
Depression, is a good lover.
So attentive; has this innate way of making everything about you.
And it is easy to forget that your bedroom is not the world,
That the dark shadows your pain casts is not mood-lighting.
It is easier to stay in this abusive relationship than fix the problems it has created.
Today, I slept in until 10,
cleaned every dish I own,
fought with the bank,
took care of paperwork.
You and I might have different definitions of adulthood.
I don’t work for salary, I didn’t graduate from college,
but I don’t speak for others anymore,
and I don’t regret anything I can’t genuinely apologize for.
And my mother is proud of me.
I burned down a house of depression,
I painted over murals of greyscale,
and it was hard to rewrite my life into one I wanted to live
But today, I want to live.
I didn’t salivate over sharp knives,
or envy the boy who tossed himself off the Brooklyn bridge.
I just cleaned my bathroom,
did the laundry,
called my brother.
Told him, “it was a good day.”
So here I am, an eighteen year old boy on a website designed for sad teenage girls and I’m expected to talk about the “perks” of being me? Okay fine if it will keep her happy and I’ll be able to come out more often then FINE I’ll write! Hm some perks? Well, I had a milkshake last night so that’s cool or whatever. Man I don’t think I can sit here and pretend there are perks to being myself. I can’t even be myself! I’m 18 and a boy and I’m trapped in a woman’s body, let me tell you going to the bathroom and reaching for your cock only to find you don’t have one is not a perk. Going to clubs and bringing the hottest guy in there home only to realize I can’t fuck him is not a perk. I came in last night because this crazy ***** had a melt down and needed me to man the ship for a bit, but she really had the nerve to his her wallet. Like why?! I’m not Ellie. I’m not going to order a large pizza or go roller skating. Uggggh okay satisfied?! I wrote a journal entry in the World Wide Web so everyone can experience our crazy and those who don’t understand it are sure to discredit it. This isn’t a good idea I just hope Elizabeth wakes up and sees it for what it is.
I’ve always wanted to submerge myself into something that would help numb these feelings,
I’ve always wanted to experience that complete lostness you see in someone deep into their work,
I’ve always envied that.
I’ve tried to lose myself in alcohol,
but these feelings make is seem as if I’m drinking poison.
I’ve tried to lose myself in drugs,
but these feelings make the strongest “uppers” into downers.
I knew these weren’t positive things to lose myself in,
but I didn’t care,
I was so desperate.
I’ve always wanted to be a great writer,
I wanted to paint beautiful scenes with my words,
but creativity seems to be degraded when there’s never a happy ending.
I’ve always have begged to be “normal” or “average”,
but they sneered and said I was “unique.”
I’ve always been told to embrace myself,
but no one seemed to follow when I did.
Talk to someone about something relevant, and most people will respond like they are not interested.
People that prioritize their fantasies at the expense of the reality of things are, sadly, the byproduct of a lack of education, cultural indoctrination, or more drastically, some genetic outcomes, being a victim of violence, extreme poverty, sickness, addictions, to name a few…
Now try to fix or to solve a universal, a global, a regional or a local problem, because that idea you got is closer to an optimal state, clearly realistic, and/or overall less or not problematic at all. You will be stopped, discouraged, even stigmatized by many atm if you don’t “conform” to “their reality” as a group or, more often seen, as an individual.
If that even means something.
Let me add that reality is independent from experience, in this Universe.
If you’re not aware yet.
Yet we use experiences in order to seek a universal truth, shared by all, everywhere known.
No wonder that a lot of folks think about suicide, or act violently in response to their suicidal thoughts or particular background.
Because 1) people are, have been or will be overwhelmingly dishonest with them, for all the above reasons, and
2) they lose a big part of their hope, as a result.
A situation that can act like a virus within us.
And spread rather quickly.
The remaining subjects are the ones that are “completely” disatisfied with themselves or the situation(s) they faced/are facing currently, for which I can’t do much other than try to wake them up, to help somehow, if it’s even possible (depending on the case/stage/level of technology) or my responsibility to do so.
And no, I’m not religious, not affiliated with any culture nor slave of “society” as we may call it, and for a good reason.
I’m just trying to be honest,
living well in — hopefully — what will become an all-around responsible and sustainable world.
* * *
That’s a goal, obviously, not truly shared by many in this day and age.
Or not thought thoroughly.
Like it should be.
Since it affects deeply our kind, and life around.
Proof: look at the content posted on this website.
“Hopefully, one day, suicide will be a thing of the past.”
*Feel free to comment, to add on the subject, to share your story, etc.*
And please, decent English so people can read — not decipher — what you’re saying! 😉
Well, its come to my attention that there is a ton of misconception about DID especially on the internet!
If any of you have any interest in speaking to someone suffering from the disorder I encorage you to feel free to comment here, follow me on Tumblr (http://alltheperksofbeingus.tumblr.com/) or i have a KIK (theperksofbeingus) which of course is more personal! I really look forward to hearing from anyone, if I can educate just one person I feel as if I’ll be making a difference!
Hey Suicide Project!
I’m new to the site and I’m kind of hoping that keeping a blog will be a good outlet for me. I’m Elizabeth and I suffer from a mental disorder known as Dissociative Identity Disorder or (DID). What does this mean? Well formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder or (MPD); DID is a mental disorder on the dissociative spectrum characterized by at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities or dissociated personality states that alternately control a person’s behavior. But, what does this mean for me? This means that I “host” several other alternate personalities. I refer to myself as the host because although there are several of us, I was born into this body. When alters come in I lose mass amounts of time, I wake up in strange places, I get random charges on my credit cards and worst of all I don’t know what I’ve done. It’s pretty scary and until now I didn’t think I’d ever find love or happiness, but I’ve just recently met a man who like me suffers from DID. He however is integrated and doesn’t fade in and out as I often do. He claims to love and support me and he hasn’t ever done anything to make me believe otherwise but I just find it so hard to believe that anyone could love someone as unstable as me. I suppose that as far as introductions go, this is fine. If you’re at all interested in what I had to say here today, then perhaps you’ll stay interested and continue reading. My alters and I share a journal where often they write to let me know what they did and experienced while in control of the body. I plan on sharing future journal entries and blogging as each of my alters, if they’re willing to perticipate and if the public responds well to my posts. Well, thats all for now. Hope to see ya soon!
Before you convince yourself that now is the time to leave this world and enter a whole new dimension of an unknown abyss, ask yourself these questions. (and feel free to answer them yourself in the comments):
What makes it so hard for you to stay?
What do you view suicide as?
How would you commit suicide?
On average, 6 people are intimately affected by the suicide of a friend, family member, etc.
Who do you think would miss you the most? (Can be more or less than 6 people.)
Why would those people miss you so much?
What is your favorite thing about your everyday life?
What are some goals you have for yourself? (Doesn’t even have to be big goals)
What are 4 positive things that you would miss?
I did something similar to this before, and as a result I noticed a lot of people thinking more about their situation, myself included. I think it’s a good idea to ask yourself some personal question where you realize the value of your life. I don’t know many, or really any of you personally, but what I have seen from past and present post on this site, is that you are all lovely people, that seem to have very realistic goals in life, and I would hate for those goals to be demolished by suicide. Even if you don’t feel as if you have people in your life that would be affected if you left, and even if you really don’t, you have yourself, the person you were given to take care of and watch over. I know this is such a strange perspective to look at your own life as, but you received your own body, your own thoughts to nurture and grow with. And I understand that some days you just fall so deep into such a dark place it never seems like you’ll recover, but days always get better, I’ve been through some shitty days, days I didn’t want to recover from, days where I spent the entire time laying on the floor, incapable of even crying, but it got better, it always gets better, because when you hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up. I hope this post helped someone, even if it helped you a little tiny bit, that would brighten my day, and make this one of those better days. 🙂 Feel free to comment, I respond as much as possible! And I love reading what you guys have to say, positive or negative. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I really do appreciate it.
From one person struggling with suicide thoughts to another.
This is my first time doing this and thanks to those who read it. I dont really share my feelings but i thought i should give it a try. I don’t know why someone at age 20 feels the way that I do. Ever since my dad passed away when i was 11 I have felt empty. I was my bestfriend and my role model. He suffered from drug abuse and was clean for a year, then went to a hotel off the parkway, overdosed, and killed himself. Every time I think about it I blame myself(& I know many people say that there is no reason to but I can’t shrug the feeling off). I felt like maybe I wasnt a good enough daughter or just not enough for him, its a selfish thought but I still feel this way.
When he passed so many things started happening. My mother had open heart surgery and almost died. My grandma passed away, my aunt passed a year later, my friend got into a car accident and passed away the next year. I tried to be so strong and not cry for my mother, because she has medical problems and I didnt want to stress her out. My uncle took advantage of the moment and started to touch me.. I never told anyone because i thought noone would ever believe me.. then again in highschool i went to my “bestfriends” house and got piss drunk and her father started to touch me.. no matter how much i tried to push him off he wouldnt stop touching me.. and did much worse. I woke up the next morning feeling disgusting and walked out of the house and never spoke to her again. Is this what I am good for?
I was bullied in school for many years due to the way i walk. (I walk on my toes.. I have has surgery but it is now a habbit). I used to cry myself to sleep all the time for the littlest things. Im not going to bore you with sad highschool stories so ill skip to when I graduated. I started working at some amusement park and actually ended up meeting my boyfriend who i really do love so much. It was a rough relationship and we ended up breaking up. College was not for me, I could not concentrate on anything and worked 2 jobs as well. Eventually I decided to join the Army Reserves. While away for training I actually met amazing people and was actually happy. Then i got back and remembered why I left in the first place. Now I work in an insurance company – dead end job. I am trying to get back to school but I am in debt from my first year. I have nothing.. My self esteem is completely gone. I lost all my friends – and regained my boyfriend but he lives far away so i barely get to see him. I feel like i have noone to talk to .. I feel like a disappointment to my father & to myself. I have thought of the sweet escape many times.. I just can’t bring myself to do it.
I hate business !
I hate money !
I hate capitalism / capitalist !
The main reason is because business kills creativity & ideas . money kills creativity & ideas . capitalism / capitalist kills creativity & ideas !
There are a LOT of good ideas , creativity , imaginations , inspirations , dreams , & even good deeds that business / money kills ! simply because of a petty, shallow reason “it doesn’t make a lot of money or profits ! ”
money makes the world unfair ! business makes the world unfair ! capitalism makes the world unfair !
plus , the world becomes a boring place !
everything is all about MONEY , business , and profits only ! even though actually Life is SO MUCH MORE than that ! ie: imagination , dreams , creativity , Love , education , inspiration , helping each other , Heart & SOUL , genuine things , sharing , laughter , collaboration together , science , philosophy , and mankind / humanity / civilization make a great jump / leap forward in progress to a totally NEW era / civilization / Mankind / Humanity ! instead of only repeating the same , stupid, shallow, superficial, ignorant , narrow minded , dull , boring , petty , miniscule , & meaningless things like politics, wars about who has the most MONEY , fighting over religion , race differences, etc etc !
I used to have hope for Humanity , hope for Mankind , hope for humans , hope for people , hope for human race , hope for Mankind ‘s civilization … but now unfortunately / sadly I lose hope in humanity , lose hope for mankind , lose hope for humans , lost hope for people , lost hope for human race, losing hope for Mankind ‘s civilization ,.. Humanity is hopeless , Mankind is hopeless , human race is hopeless , human beings is / are hopeless , mankind ‘s civilization is hopeless .. !
I hate people / humans / humanity / society sometimes !
anyone also feel the same ? anyone can relate ?
(PS: have you guys also heard of some alternative movements / solutions like for example : Resource Based Economy (RBE), The Venus Project , the Zeitgeist Movement , Thrive movement , Paradigm Shift , Basic Income movement , Equal Income movement ? what do you think ? will it work out as an alternative / solution for our current society ‘s problems ? )
“Endurance” what does endurance mean? Hi everyone! I’m new to this site, but I’m sure we are all here for the same reason. We have suicidal thoughts or have actually attempted to take our life. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 9. At age 11 I was diagnosed with depression. I was never abused nor was I bullied in school, but I was always lonley when it came to socialize with others, I never thought that being alone was a bad thing. I actually liked being alone, but I came to realize that I had no friends. I have a family who cares A lot for me, but little did I apreciate that. I attempted to take my life 4 times. Hospitalized in 3 different hospitals, little did I know how it would affect me when I arrived at the hospital. I was 12, I had the ugliest feelings about myself, I literally hated myself. But upon arriving to the hospital, I was scared, I couldnt believe that I was there because I tried to kill myself. I cried every night for my parents. But something changed when friends and family came by to see me…I had about 7 visits in one day. And everyone would just stare. Afted visiting hour was over, a boy came up to me and asked, “were all those people your family? Why are you here if you have all these people coming to see you, they love you.” Boy did that make me think. Why am I deppressed? Till this day on I still have thoughts of hurting myself. But thats why I have to keep on enduring! Keep my hopes bright. We all have a cloud raining on us, but eventually a beautiful rainbow will come out. Do not feel scared to talk to someone about how you feel, be honest and just pour out your thoughts. No one can judge you, we are all imperfect human beings trying to be good. Suround yourself with positive thoughts. You are a precious jewl to those who love you!
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