General

fuck, fuck.

I’m doing a bit better. I always have to keep that sentiment grounded; most days I mask pretty hard, to look like I’m doing well, when I’m just holding on…. not sure if that’s fair either. The point is, I got a very small amount of positive movement;

Friday I saw my prescribing doctor, and we collectively decided to introduce another anti anxiety, two days in I feel better mood wise.

I was able to hold it together for my wife’s birthday, important because her dad always lets her down, she needs my support more during holidays. This is in spite of a few awful moments that […]

If you put someone with schizophrenia on an island, they will still hallucinate.

If you put someone with BPD on an island, the symptoms will diminish significantly.

Why shouldnt i be alone??

Every now and then I get a little flash of memory – a small reminder of a long forgotten moment when I was someone completely different. All of this random shit is still lodged in my brain, but it’s mostly lost. It’s been archived, dumped in the recycle bin, and the links are gone. But the memories are still there, just waiting for a reminder.

It’s the strangest thing, having this random link to someone who long ago disappeared. He didn’t know any of what I know now. Had none of the worries or cares. He’d never felt despair, or even real sadness. He cried when […]

Good question.

I feel confined to be what you are, when really i am so much more.

But when i have to sit there and listen to you being a judgmental prick…. Its a little difficult to honestly feel like i can spread my wings.

I sit there and listen to you bash people that use discord and twitch….. But im one of those people. Youre insulting me.

Yeah, sure, i love you, whatever.

And you want me to fucking be open with you….

Overthinking + Judgements = Me

Hi

What is the most comfortable way to go? Going away in your sleep or just dosing off in your couch and then just go. That’s just the natural way.

I went to the doctor and they put me on antidepressants and anxiety meds but I feel like they do don’t shit except make me binge eat because I feel hungry all the time. They don’t make me feel better I just feel numb and empty, I can’t cry or anything. I went to a counselor too but I didn’t even know what to say because I just felt so numb, my mind went completely blank. Also the session is supposed to last an hour but I was waiting for 15 minutes and then her computer froze for like 30 minutes and she was trying […]

I feel so needy. They say its fine. They say its not annoying them. They say they dont mind. But i cant shake it….. I wish id just shut the fuck up.

I feel like this disorder makes me stick out. I can be standing perfectly still in a crowd of people all dressed the same, and ill stick out.

within a few hours ive had 4-5 triggers. i just started calming one down and another one pops up.
why the fuck would i want to continue living through this!?

6

I’ve been sober now for a little over 3 1/2 years. I’m 32. These last few years have only confirmed a big part of why I used to drink so much.

My eyes have been opened even more to all the damage going on in the world, both in the environment and within ourselves. What a horrible fucking species we are as a whole. So many egotistical, careless, selfish, over-consuming, seemingly know-it-all, good-willed talkers but will never make real change, parasites. I’m not saying I’m perfect, nowhere near, but fuck how can so many people not know that their day to day choices are damaging and […]

What do you do when you’re socially dead? When you’ve killed the part of you capable of relaxing or enjoying being around others? Whatever capacity I had for fulfilling relationships or friendships is gone. To just be in the moment with someone, to relate. To let go. I can’t interact without this constant shadow hanging over me. I can’t bring myself to be likable, or fun, or interesting anymore. I was never exactly the life of the party, but when I was a kid I at least had some semblance of personality. There was still something inside my shell that I would occasionally let out. […]

People seriously fucking suck. Including the “smart” ones thats suppose to know shit!!

I’m getting so tired of reading everything negative about bpd.

They can point out its mood swings, emotional instability but it’s always fucking negative shit people talk about. You know it effects happiness too. IT’S RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKING SYMPTOM LIST!!!!!!!

It’s true, you fuck up the pace of your life once and it’s all over. I see now why Japanese schools are so strict and have so much of an influence in student’s lives, if you slip up even once in life, it really is all over. They’re not making it harder, they’re just bringing reality to the forefront of the equation. I left my hometown 9 years ago because of a condition, and trying to make any life out of the pieces is impossible. No one contacts me. It strikes me how competitive life really is. I missed out on some crucial experience time […]

I don’t have any friends, so when my parents die of old age. I will be punching out my own ticket out of this horrible world.

Again? Again? I have to do this all again for God knows how long? Again again agaiin again again, the shittiness of knowing Im contributing nothing, she knows I am,  im just shit and oh god now i have to  pay tbose publishing places out of my bloody universal credit so…. Great. I shouls kill myself. I know thst. People in better places than me right now have. God knows ive got enough pills, or maybr even – stop. I HATE SARBJIT. Does she fucking for one second know what shes done? I wonder if she’d like to knowmy gf chucked me and told me […]

so i relapsed. but i was drunk so does it even count? fuck man. i tried so hard and i had gone almost a fucking year without purging. shit just never gets better does it

Does anyone know how to make homemade opioids? Anything that has the same effect that medicines like tramadol or morphine? I only have access to pills that are not prescription by doctors and alcohol, but I need a strong painkiller that also helps me to sleep. Any recipe?