General

Hello.

So basically, I had poison and drank it slowly (I was really scared to say the least) and my brother found me. I had my stay in the hospital and ward and back to my place a few weeks ago.

I came out as transgender to my family and since then I want to attempt again. Its awkward to talk to anyone. I became paranoid (much more than I was before) and now I’m absolutely terrible.

I don’t know what to say. I just want, I dunno, someone to talk to, or something to get my mind off of everything. Also I hope toke is still around […]

Presumably I’m resisting suicide because of some kind of survival instinct. And I can’t convince myself it would be best to try and overcome that – at least while my parents are still alive and so invested in me.

Which leaves me trying to make my life less miserable. And I honestly don’t have a clue. My body leaves me uncomfortable most of the time – my digestion, skin, back, teeth – all cause me pain. I’m constantly tired – even when I get lots of sleep. It’s like there’s nothing in the tank. I wake up, have breakfast, and I just want to go back […]

Last time I was on this site it was on July 11th (my birthday) when I tried to kill myself (I failed) and then I found a tiny glimpse of happiness. Now almost exactly 5 years later I find myself even more broken and on the verge of suicide yet again. That tiny glimpse of happiness I was talking about was my girlfriend we were together for 5 years. We were on and off but still remain close and basically still dated even tho we were on and off (if I’m making sense). Being with her filled me with so much happiness and I fell […]

I’m so lonely it is painful. 2020 has just been loss and a pit Three days out of 7 I’ve been thinking of just not existing. I’m stock piling my medicine because really what is the point. I just want a solid reboot.

Except there is no redo. No reboot. Just trudging forward.

…one of those rare days when I wake up and not feel the inconceivably vast feelings and emotions that usually bothers me every day, and I feel that I can do something productive today; like I’m feeling actually ‘fine’ but then I know as the day will grow with time, this emptiness takes over along with a strange numbness, which is not painful so it’s kind of bearable but at the same time, I don’t feel anything at all, not even joy or happiness. And so I want to get hold of the pain just to validate my existence. I don’t know what I’m writing, […]

For the past ten years, I’ve wished that I were dead nearly every day.

I’d have moments of light. Sometimes they’d last for weeks, maybe even a couple of months at times. Months where I’d be happy, where things would seem brighter. But even on those days, I’d still have preferred to die. I just wasn’t actively yearning for it, at least not as much.

This past month or so, I’ve finally gotten to the point where I’d rather live than die. Where there’s enough that I want to do, enough that I care about, that I wouldn’t really mind continuing to live for a bit longer…

There […]

Approximately 40 hours ago, I consumed 20,000MG of Tylenol PM in an attempt to end my life. My research led me to conclude that anything above 4,000 mg in a 24 hour period, could cause liver disease and if left untreated, liver failure and death. The first 48 hours are indicated to be mild flu like symptoms like nausea, loss of appetite and diarrhea which I have.
From 48-72 hours post consumption, symptoms of liver failure damage begin to show. Things like jaundice and confusion.
It would seem to me that I am such a successful failure that I cannot take my own life. This […]

I can’t stop thinking about death. Maybe I would stop if I would find something nice to do, to feel good and to do some nice things that would take my death thought away. I don’t know exactly what things I should do that would make me feel better.

I don’t think I’ve been this bad in a while. Thankfully I have more self control than previous years. I can mentally fight myself to stay clean. I just wanna see blood. I wanna slice my skin everywhere. I’ve been clean for 5.5 years from cutting. I really don’t want to back pedal. I know I wouldn’t be able to explain it to my fiancé if he saw it. I’m just so trapped in my head. I miss the support I used to have with people and a lot of people here. I feel alone. On top of the desire again to cut, I want […]

Does anyone else ever feel too numb to cry? It sucks. I feel like crying often but it’s like I don’t have the energy to do so.

This is about someone I know though, but it gives some backstory on why I’m here. I feel most people here think it’s not worth it to share their stories, or too hard. Read if you want. So long story short my mom is an incredibly fucked up broken person who can’t drive hasn’t had a job since she was 40 anxious obsessive compulsive chain-smoking paranoid-avoidant depressive greedy selfish sadistic masochistic etc. you name it who abused manipulated stole from lied to and didn’t feed me when I was a kid… She’s not exactly… Aware? of what’s going on around her? She’s.. She’s