General

People always tell me that I’m a musical prodigy, that I’m very talented in music. People also often say that I’m smart. I have always been that weird, strange, socially-awkward nerd/geek, even though people also say that I’m a natural good-looking guy, that I have a baby-face for a person at my age. I’m 37 years old now. I’m from Indonesia, btw, I’m a Chinese-Indonesian.I have always been interested in the ‘bigger-picture’, things like philosophy, asking stuff like what is the meaning of life? also why does everything exist? Who are we in this vast, limitless universe? Are we just a tiny little speck of […]

We’re all enslaved. Just look at the pandemic…
We are all just puppets to the world’s elite.
The world is a complete joke. I really don’t want to be part of this world anymore. It’s so easy for governments to take all of our ‘toys’ away. The months are going to drag on forever.

I wanted to travel this year (yes i know first world problem lol). Well no. I guess that’s not happening. In fact the government will probably start allowing foreign students in here again long before we can even leave our own country. Lol how dumb is that…..

I don’t really want to […]

I can’t tell if i’m alright or losing it. I’ve blocked out so many emotions i’ve forgotten what its like to be sad.  I don’t understand what i’m feeling now, or why im feeling it. I just feel like i’m nothing. I wanna go away I really do. I can’t help but feel like nothings ever going to get better and i’m just going to be the same piece of shit for eons. Sorry for this  self deprecation but I have no where else to go.

i fight myself at every turn. i cant fix wrongs because its wrong to do so. i cant help because it hurts. i have had to restrain myself from myself my entire life. i dont like what i see or what i have to allow. i’m tired of giving free passes to everyone who intentionally causes harm to those i care about. i’m tired of feeling like i’m the only sane person here. nothing makes sense anymore. i want to die, and then i dont because i shouldnt have too. they should. they are the cancer that has spread into every crevice and metastasized destroying […]

I’m pulling myself in two different directions. I can barely just stop myself. I almost did it. I flipped a coin to decide. It stopped me. I’m just writing to keep myself from being rash. It helps to put my words on screen so that I calm down a little. I can feel myself releasing the tension. I don’t really feel like doing it now. I stopped myself for now. How long until I stop for good? I don’t know. I’m really stubborn.

I need a break. Or else give me the courage to kill myself. I repeat the courage, not just these thoughts about killing myself or the ability to come up with a plan for suicide, I need the courage to execute that plan without any loose ends. And if it can be obtained from somewhere, then do tell me.

I really can’t cope with loneliness, I’m really down, this quarantine got me crazy, and make me realize that my life it’s not that great everyone just like me because of my money not even my parents give a f about me, we are not very close all my life I only saw them like an hour per day and they get very mad at me if they see me sad or down , I don’t even want to go to medicine school but everyone expect big things from me I just want to scape from everyone’s expectations, the boy I liked dumped me and […]

my friend doesnt make any sense. maybe im just missing something. with him…i could get away with murder. literally. like i actually asked him about this and he said yeah. but everything i do….if anyone else were to do it, hed hate them. he hates alcoholics. he hates druggies. he hates anger. he basically hates everything i am but he doesnt hate me. he just lets it roll of his shoulder like its nothing. yeah it upsets him and he wishes i wouldnt but he doesnt hate me for it and he never gets annoyed with me. ive even tried and the only thing i […]

I know they’re bullshit, but I can’t help but be fascinated by them. I mentioned before that I have a way of asking questions when flipping a coin. A simple yes/no test to answer my question. I know that it’s a coin and flipping it doesn’t actually answer anything, but I do it anyways. Tarot is a long winded form of this. You pick cards that apparently have some deeper meaning that you picked it and then you think “real hard” about something when you pick one, and apparently that means something. I do that tarot readings from a […]

I feel tired and exhausted all the time… My body aches badly… I feel like I’m moving slowly, time is moving slowly… I try to daydream most of the time… But sometimes I think I am normal like last evening when I was studying math (yeah, maths and I get very engaged whenever we meet)… Sometimes my mind runs faster than it should… Like I feel like everything is moving very fast… Like I have a genius mind who can solve everything and I am like the most happy and excited version of myself (although this happens rarely)… Sometimes I look at my childhood […]

so things are going better for me I finally communicated with my family and told them how I feel. so they are helping out a lot more so theirs less stress for me so I’m grateful for that. my depression hasn’t been that bad lately with me being able to communicate better so at least life is better so always stay positive and know you’re loved by so many people.

I didn’t ask for life, just like everybody else it was imposed upon me. I can’t get suicide out of my head, it’s omnipresent within my train of thought, that’s the way a guy like me thinks, that’s my mentality, I tried everything to no avail, at the end of the day you cannot escape from yourself. I always knew deep down there was no hope but I procrastinated, the fruits of procrastination are intense punishment, life punishes procrastinators relentlessly. Why didn’t I take my life years ago? What the fuck was I thinking to continue with my life, I continued so my family wouldn’t […]

I had my second therapy session yesterday. Still feeling a bit strange about it. Don’t know how it’s going to turn out. My main reason for doing all this is to try and improve myself in regards to my fear of failure. To be ok with trying things and failing and stop passing up opportunities because I feel like I’m not good enough. The thing is, is there even a way to do that besides just forcing yourself. She told me that no matter how much she wants me to go for things, no matter how much my family […]